Jokes

[JonathanL]

Not long after the Ark had landed on Mt Ararat one of Noah's daughter-in-laws noticed him sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, Noah would chew on a particularly hirsute hide, smile and make a notation on a tablet. The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes."

*groooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaan*

[rogue06]

*groooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaan*

The best reaction that one can hope for when it comes to a pun

[rogue06]

How do you organize a space party?



























You planet

[Cerebrum123]

How do you organize a space party?



























You planet

[Faber]

There are three problems with growing old.

There's loss of memory..... .... I forget the other two.

(2) You tend to repeat yourself.
(3) You tend to repeat yourself.

[Jedidiah]

A blonde just texted me asking, "What does 'IDK' stand for.

I texted back saying, "I don't know."

She answered "OMG nobody does."

[Truthseeker]

OMGNK = OMG, nobody knows. Not funny, but maybe I will be the first to coin that.

[tabibito]

A blonde just texted me asking, "What does 'IDK' stand for.

I texted back saying, "I don't know."

She answered "OMG nobody does."

Reminds me of the time that a mate and I were watching TV when the old bloke wandered in and asked what "MYOB" stands for. Both of us replied "Mind Your Own Business". I had to chase the old bloke up and tell him that it is an acronym for Mind (as in "Take care of") Your Own Business.

[rogue06]

I think I want a job polishing mirrors.

It's just something that I could see myself doing.

[rogue06]

If you ever get cold try standing in a corner.


They're usually 90 degrees

[rogue06]

Why do you never see elephants hiding in a tree?



Because they're really good at it.

[rogue06]

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?



They each got six months.

[rogue06]

Civil War jokes?


I General Lee don't find them funny

[rogue06]

Earlier today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the jailhouse wall.

As he turned and sneered at me I couldn't help but think...




















































...that's a little condescending

[Jedidiah]

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.


On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!


Jerry said, We've got to give it back.


Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?


Sally said, No.


Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.


Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile


The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.


One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.


–Andy said, “Well Sir, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .”

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “Come on partner, let’s get outta here!”