The support thread for divorced parents of teens.

[Rahab]

Bonjour all!

You would think that after having delt with the adolescence and teen years of both of my daughters now 21 and 18, I was equipped and trained to undertake the teen years of my son!

This mom is in need of advices and tips as to how to deal with a provoking and arrogant 14 year old. There is not a day when my son is at my home that we have an argument. I feel as if I am being "set up" by him. Buttons are being pushed over and over again. His advantage is that he knows his mother's emotional profile. He knows what to pronounce which hurts.Statements that are outragious at times. The type that makes you sob.( I wonder which mom has never cried over cruel words from her children).

I feel as if I were dealing with a stranger. I have to make some considerable mental efforts to recognize in him anything familiar with the sweet little fellow he used to be. I know. He is struggling with his own identity crisis in his passage from childhood to adolescense closing to adulthood. I know. Hormonal changes. I know. Affirming his "malehood". I know. The "I know everything there is to know" teen syndrom.

A lot of the current situation with him is my own fault: at the time of my divorce with his father, I felt awfuly guilty for the children and focused on compensating. My son was the one child who was always most dependent on me rather than his father. I was often a "single parent" because my ex husband's job took most of his time away from home. I was also the disciplinary element in our couple as dad was the type who was afraid to lose his children's affection if he were to be the disciplinarian.

Having shared custody of the minor child (my son), both his dad and I parent with the help of our respective spouses.However, my son is also "playing one against the other" and has become quite manipulative. I stopped being the disciplinarian after the divorce as I was so afraid my son would play the card of " I do not want to be at my mother's home". And honestly I cannot entrust my ex husband to be objective and realize that our son is very self centered and determined to control his parents. So, I gave in to many of my son's ungrateful demands.

Somehow I need to find the proper parenting balance with him. I have gone from one extreme to the other. Now, as I try to reaffirm discipline with him, I hit rebellion and almost constant uncooperation.Including phone calls he will make to his dad "begging him to come to pick him up". I do not give in though to that most recent manipulation. I tell dad that our son will come to his home at the prearranged time and day.

The only two other parenting elements who are not subjected to such manipulation are his step parents. My husband's emotions cannot be exploited or manipulated by my son. He "fears" both of them. But he does exploit the negativity his step mother has towards me. He will complain to me about her being so controling over his dad. A topic not to touch with a ten foot pole. When I express my reluctance to discuss such topic(though I must admit he does relate to me an existing reality), he then plays the card of "you are my mother and I need to be able to talk about those things with someone".My usual response is to encourage him to discuss those issues directly with his father. At the same time. I also know that my son may not recieve the heart to heart dialogue he needs to have with dad.


About divorce, I need to state here that anyone who may contemplate a divorce has to introspect on the reality that the children will undoubtly grieve their broken up family. We can only do so much "damage control" even as their initial family was dysfunctional with two parents as uncompatible as a fish mating with a bird!

To go back to my son, I have to ask myself these questions some of you may be able to help me answer and apply in practical ways:

Could he possibly still be angry about the divorce and his repeated provocations towards me be his way to obtain a heart to heart talk with me?( he did benefit of professional counseling at the time of the divorce and seemed according to the counselor to be doing OK).

Or is he simply begging for someone to step in firmly ( a male ) and give him a direction towards his affirming his "malehood"? (step dad is more than willing to spend "guy stuff time" with him. To add that my son is predominantly in a female dominated environment at his father's home, with step mom and two sisters and dad still often gone.Step brother is now gone permanantly and was never a male interaction support for him as he was withdrawn and to himself a lot).

Am I dramatizing his current attitudes and ought to consider them to be the product of the difficult teen years? If yes, parents who have had similar experience, feel free to offer some recommendations on how I can be a support to him while removing myself from being a target of his manipulations.(more so what can I do so that I do not react emotionaly and give him the "upper hand" each time he becomes contentious with me). The sarcasms and mockeries being the most difficult to deal with. It is almost a form of "verbal terrorism" at times.

Do not suggest to have any communication with his father as to aligning our discipline and parenting methods. Unfortunatly, my ex has given such control to his wife, removing himself from such responsibility.Wife, who by her previous history of 3 divorces, may be very well so insecure and afraid of any failures in her 4th marriage that she has such a need to control her new spouse's response to any issue. And as the mother of her three step children, I remain a "threat" to her degree of control over how my children think and feel. It is not the best case scenario to envision her and I coordinating parenting efforts.

Basicaly I can only work with my son in my own home with the support of my husband. My philosophy at this point is that any issue to be happening with either parent is to be solved within the household it occured and by the parties involved. Feel free to be critical of my point of view on that matter. I may be totaly wrong.

My son has a great potential to be a productive and heplful person to his fellow human beings. He has a heart of gold and shows signs of being a generous individual. He does not nurture any prejudice and tends to defend those who are oppressed or discriminated against. He had really enjoyed working in an ambulante soup kitchen for the homeless last year. Often, he would undertake conversations with some of them and would comment on how enlightening it was. He is very comfortable interacting with adults. He is very bright and too often relies too much on his intelligence while procrastinating on his school work. Which means that he will get a low grade such as a D in a subject when he is material intellectualy to be a B or A. He is also very verbal and chatty in the classroom.

At times, I feel myself being drained by his incessant need to interject and interrupt in the midst of conversations. He definitly does not listen but expects full undivided attention. Such as complaining that I am not looking at him when he chats in the car while I am driving!!!!!


I honestly try to make him happy. But I simply cannot fulfill all of his demands. I often feel like a failure as he so quickly shows his disappointment when I cannot meet his demands. They are too often formulated as demands rather than requests. I have often wondered if I am the only parent who does not make her kid happy!

[Rubia Warren]

Rahab,
I am not really qualified to analyze the situation- for one, I am not there! So maybe you should take what my opinion is with a grain of salt and do what you will with it!

But it kinda sounds to me like he actually has issues with his father, and is sort of taking it out on you. Either that, or I am projecting my own issues that I had as a child of divorced parents. Divorce is hard for any kid- even if they seem like they are okay later, there is still this "thing" that kinda stays with them, I think. The wound heals but it leaves a little scar there. That is normal in divorce cases, I think, and IMHO there just isn't much one can do after a certain point. I think time and a maturation finally make the end steps of it "okay" in the end.
He is with you, and my mental image that I have of you is one who is an involved, caring, approachable mother. Regardless, you and I both know that our kids will try stuff with us that they won't with other people- maybe cuz we're so close to them and we know each other so well as mothers and they know us as well? I dunno. BUt I think that is just normal, too, out of any kid.
What seems, by my observation of others and experience, to be the more tricky relationship is the father-kid relationship because they miss out on time together compared to mother-kid, usually. What threw up red flags to me was that first, you said his dad isn't around much (that can't feel good- even if your son is used to that all of his life) that must mean that he has to hang around his stepmom a lot? That can't be too great for him. Then to be able to see his dad controlled by another woman in ridiculous ways... yeah I think he is having issues with his dad because he is getting older now and is becoming more mature to recognize things like this. Only he is 14, and he doesn't know a Schwinn from shinola yet and cannot really sort it all out like an adult can. He's about at that age where kids realize how imperfect their parents are, so maybe he is realizing stuff about his dad and is sorting it out.

I don't think he's an out of control kid by any means, so don't get me wrong. I think this sort of thing is just very normal and common in a divorce-remarriage situation. And it does pass, he will get through it.

Obviously though, he can confide things in you, and this is a good thing. It is good when a kid seeks his parent when he is troubled.

A word of caution though, speaking as a child of divorced parents and having been a teen: be careful not to get too involved in their bochinches. You are absolutely doing the right thing in being a listening ear but not reacting by going and starting a war with the stepmom or your ex. This is something I did to my parents and they failed at. I would be having issues with my dad because he wasn't around much, so I'd get my mom all riled up so that she'd go tell everybody off and do my bidding. Only I didn't realize at the time what I was really doing. Then, I'd go to my dad out of frustration with my mom, and get him to go after her for whatever reason. I totally played them against each other- not because I liked to manipulate or anything, but simply because I was young and didn't have maturity or skills yet to go to whomever I had a problem with and confront it maturely and civilly to solve the problem.
In that area, I'd suggest to keep doing what you are doing, listening and laying it off on him to tell his father directly how he feels about it. In this way, he will learn the right actions to take in order to solve problems in life by dealing head-on, lest he slip into passive-agressivity (which is easy to do).
One thing that might be good for him to do would be to write his dad a letter and you could offer to proofread it. You know the kind of letters I am talking about: where he tells his dad the things that are bothering him, taking great care not to say things like ,"You make me feel....", and things like that. Because his dad can only be responsible for his own actions- he can't be responsible for how another person reacts to it (well that's kinda debatable, but you know what I mean, and it puts the reader to be less defensive and more open to what the writer has to say when excessive charges are not made), but just to gather up all of the things that bother him, and let it be known in the letter, without saying, "Your wife controls you!". Instead he could say, "When you and she do this and this, it appears as though she is controlling you and it seems like you love her most of anyone. I feel lost as a result and I wish we had more time together" That way his dad isn't aggressively being accused of something (even though it might be true), he has the chance to do some self-reflection- the ball is in his court. And because the letter is just simply stating grievances, it should be non-threatening. He may find this to be a relief as he throws that ball into his dad's court. He just has to have it be known to him that he can't control what his dad's reaction will be- it may be one that he doesn't like. But nevertheless, he did what was well within his right, and that was to state that there is a problem. We can't force others to fix it immediately how we want them to, but it's important to get that ball back in the other person's court because if your son has to hold the ball, it can lead to bitternesss and pent-up stuff. It's best, I have found, to write the letter, toss that ball back in thier court, and move forward knowing that I did what I had a right to do. I did that with my mother, actually. And while she denied my letter as a "misperception" on my part after not speaking to me for a few months after I sent it, slowly, she has actually changed and I see her making an effort toward correcting the things that were bothering me about her behavior. I never got a formal apology or anything, but that doesn't matter. I let go of a lot of stuff by writing it to her, I was internally making a decision not to carry the weight of it around and hate her for it- even if she brushed it off or hated me for it and never changed. It's kinda a hard thing for a 14 year old kid to do for the first time, but it is very relieving. (I'm sure you are already familiar with this since this is commonly suggested by counselors for people to do).
But like I said, you are already doing the right thing in that area I think. It's important for him at his age to, as he is becoming aware of the imperfection of others, to learn how to accept that he cannot control other people, he only can control himself and what his response to the world around him will be in terms of problem-solving. This is important for everybody, really.

There are a couple of things that I want to reassure you about though:
It doesn't matter now if your divorce was the "right" thing, or the "wrong" thing. You don't have to justify it or explain it for the rest of your life. You made the decision that you did, and it is in the past. It is exactly whatever it is. Let it be exactly that with your family- you do not have to justify it anymore. Resist that temptation. Even if you awoke tomorrow and realized you had done the wrong thing all those years ago (hypothetically speaking), there's nothing you could possibly do to change it now! This is something I am right now starting to learn, as you can see from my other thread. The past is the past. It is our jobs and obligations to let it go, and show these kids how to move forward regardless of whatever they think it was. This is the important thing. If you wanna get this kid moving forward positively, mom has to move forward too and not keep looking back examining the past. It's okay if you do! I promise! Whatever you did, whether it was right or wrong: own it, and let it go. Resist the urge to treat it like carry-on luggage. It's place is in the past.

Also, it is typical of teens to use sarcasm and mockery with their parents. This is not a sign of something really bad going on with your son, I don't think. But as a mom it can be hurtful. And I suspect that his issues with his dad at times probably cause him to lash out at you- simply because you are there and are closest. Try not to take it personally. And another thing: you do not have to tolerate it. It doesn't matter what others are going through, it doesn't give them the right to cut YOU down and disrespect you. It is not unreasonable if you make that demand- that he not speak that way to you- and you've got every right to establish consequences for that behavior. It is one thing to feel badly for your son and his stage of life, what he is going through, etc. but it doesn't mean that because you feel bad, that he may now treat you with mockery and sarcasm. I'm not saying to go punch him in the mouth! But when the conversation gets to the point where you are mocked or sarcasm spewed at you, then "Woah there, buddy. Here's where the conversation just ended." and dole out whatever consequence you feel is appropriate- even if you think that the appropriate response is simply to end the interaction and not a big grounding or something. It is perfectly reasonable for you to expect to be spoken to with a certain degree of respect.
Something similar happened the other between my mom and my brother (who just turned 18). He has always, when he gets frustrated, freaks out and gets very dramatic- even cries (in the past). The other day he had to fix some things in his Senior Research Project and my mom was asking me if I'd look it over for him. I heard him yelling in the background- really loud- at her (which is weird because I'd never heard him yell like that before- they are not a yelling household, BTW). He was going, "GAH!!! I can't take it anymore!! I hate this stupid crap!!! I can't do it! I can't do it! I dunno what my teacher wants from me and I'm sick of everything!!! I'm just gonna flunk! Forget it! BAAH!" So here she was, on the phone to me, asking if I'd help him format his paper in Word, and to look it over and point out what he should do to make it better. I said yes, but I also told her, "Mom.... y'know, I realize he is stressed out and has a lot on his plate and all..... but you have a right not to be yelled at."
While that is a different situation entirely, the same thing applies here. You, Rahab, have a right to not be mocked. And it's perfectly okay if you draw the line about it. I give you permission!

Sorry this post was so wordy! And I may be wrong about much of it. Like I said, I'm not there, nor do I have all answers. But lately I am thinking that we mothers make the "damage that has been done" to our kids out to be something horribly big, allowing ourselves to be manipulated a bit and walked on by them. I think we gotta just let stuff go, own it and move on. That's the best thing.

[Rahab]

Rahab,
I am not really qualified to analyze the situation- for one, I am not there! So maybe you should take what my opinion is with a grain of salt and do what you will with it!

Bonjour ((((Rubia))))

Your input is very much appreciated especialy as you were the child of divorced parents.

But it kinda sounds to me like he actually has issues with his father, and is sort of taking it out on you. Either that, or I am projecting my own issues that I had as a child of divorced parents. Divorce is hard for any kid- even if they seem like they are okay later, there is still this "thing" that kinda stays with them, I think. The wound heals but it leaves a little scar there. That is normal in divorce cases, I think, and IMHO there just isn't much one can do after a certain point. I think time and a maturation finally make the end steps of it "okay" in the end.

If any issue with his dad, it would be that he was used to a dad who was very devoted to his kids, the "fun loving "type, who spent most of any free time he had interacting with them. He was used to a household where mom would look forward to dad spending fun time alone with the kids. It was a brutal change for my son as step mom from the get go was sort of "glued" to dad, owning the majority of his free time. There has been some changes recently where my son has been able to spend a day with dad alone. Dad taking a day off from work just for that purpose.Which I am so grateful for.I think it took for the kids to confront the issue of dad non availibility to them and since two of them are young adults, they were better equipped to voice that there was an issue.

IMO you are right about the "maturation" process. Both of my daughters (especialy the oldest one) have moved on. Especialy as they have both discovered the distinct individuality of each of their parents.It is as if they can now benefit thru those vast differences between their dad and me.

He is with you, and my mental image that I have of you is one who is an involved, caring, approachable mother.

Unfortunatly, Rubia, it is only recently that my son has been able to spend more time with me. At the time of the divorce, we decided that all three kids should have their father's home as their primary residence as he had a stable income and financial means to provide for them I certainly did not have. I was the typical case of having been a supporting military career wife for many years and mom at home. I had no work experience (except as a volunteer) in the US, no personal wealth, absolutly nothing. It was very important for me to know that the kids would not be removed from their house, their schools etc...I also did not want to cause any financial burden where assets would have to be divided.It was one of those divorces where both parties sit down and establish as much damage control as possible and make verbal arrangements IRW custody of the kids.

One thing I need to say is that under no condition, no matter how much one believes to trust and know the character of the other spouse, is anyone to rely on verbal promises. Within two months of my ex remarriage, I was presented with a "Visitation Plan" for my son instead of the liberal and frequent plan of shared custody. Reducing his time with me to two week ends a month and one evening a week. I was facing two people generating above 100,000 dollars yearly, whereas I was cleaning people's houses during the day while attending school in the evening to get my certification as a nurse's aide. To top off the "deal", I was also informed by the wife that I was expected to start paying child support. I had no means to hire a lawyer and fight them in court. It is only for about a year now that my son can spend as much time as he wills (instead of his dad/step mom's will) in our home. Being older, he was able to voice his needs to be with his mother. All those plans were always presented to me as "being in the best interest of the child".

Every single step I had to take to protect and preserve time with my son, I later made it a point to avoid court battles. I had to remind my ex that according to the shared custody status in Fla. ,any time he is out of town, the second residential custodian becomes the home where the minor child is to be offered to stay. Until then. my ex would disregard such legal status. I had to remind him that any official document IRW my son requiring signature of either parent, his wife is not to sign for me. It is as if he considered that our divorce also meant I were to be restricted by him from my legal status and rights as the mother of our minor child. I do realize that the majority of those moves on his part were the product of the very controling character of his new spouse.

And that is where my warning stands for anyone contemplating a divorce. Do not rely on what you think you know of and can entrust your future ex with. Once he/she will remarry, there is a strong possibility he/she will be largely controled and influenced by their new spouse.

As far as the "mental image" you have of me. Let me say that it is a goal for me to be a nurturing, caring and approachable mom to any of my children. There are many things I need to fix and repair as I was far from being a functional and nurturing mom in my first marriage. There is no doubt in my mind that it is extremely difficult to be that succesful parent when a marriage is so dysfunctional. I am so much more "myself" now. No pretenses anylonger. I do not have to "fit in" anylonger in any type of pressuring environment my ex husband would so blissfuly expect me to just adapt to. The military environment and career focus of my ex having taken a great toll on me.

Regardless, you and I both know that our kids will try stuff with us that they won't with other people- maybe cuz we're so close to them and we know each other so well as mothers and they know us as well? I dunno. BUt I think that is just normal, too, out of any kid.

I agree.

What seems, by my observation of others and experience, to be the more tricky relationship is the father-kid relationship because they miss out on time together compared to mother-kid, usually. What threw up red flags to me was that first, you said his dad isn't around much (that can't feel good- even if your son is used to that all of his life) that must mean that he has to hang around his stepmom a lot? That can't be too great for him. Then to be able to see his dad controlled by another woman in ridiculous ways... yeah I think he is having issues with his dad because he is getting older now and is becoming more mature to recognize things like this. Only he is 14, and he doesn't know a Schwinn from shinola yet and cannot really sort it all out like an adult can. He's about at that age where kids realize how imperfect their parents are, so maybe he is realizing stuff about his dad and is sorting it out.

I think he is realizing things on both sides of his parents. I also think that he may be in some ways rebelling against the image of a dad who is being so controled by a woman. Recently, he shared with me how his sisters and he confronted dad about his wife controling him.Which could only have been met with great defensiveness. On my side, he is realizing that his mother is quite a different person than the image of "perfection" I was struggling to maintain. In an environment when so many times, it was about supporting his dad's career. Most of my being was always irritated by my ex focus on maintaining his "Mr Nice Guy" appearances.

I don't think he's an out of control kid by any means, so don't get me wrong. I think this sort of thing is just very normal and common in a divorce-remarriage situation. And it does pass, he will get through it.

Obviously though, he can confide things in you, and this is a good thing. It is good when a kid seeks his parent when he is troubled.

He eventualy regains a better disposition after our arguments. We always patch things. That is another culturaly driven thing with me, Rubia. In my cultural background, we can go to the extreme of "yelling at each other" and hugging a short while after everyone has vented their frustrations etc... We tend to "vent" rather than seeve (seethe?). That is another drastic difference between how his dad and his mother confront issues. I am the type who will bring it up in the open so that we deal with the issue. Dad is the type who remains in that "blissful ignorance" status and uses lip service as a pacifier! I think that it has been difficult for my son to readapt from one style of communication to the other as he goes from one home to the other. He gets two different signals and methods to communicate.

Does that give you a hint if I tell you that my son has told me he will not discuss sex matters with his father and is only comfortable asking questions to his mother? Again, there, we have no taboo discussions in our home. No prudish response.We are open in our displays of affection. My husband will grab my son as he comes home from work and hug him. Sadly enough, my son shared recently that his dad and he hug very rarely. He used to have a dad who was the hugging and cuddly dad by excellence. I can definitly see the cultural influence in both homes where both of his parents project their so vastly different cultural upbringing.

A word of caution though, speaking as a child of divorced parents and having been a teen: be careful not to get too involved in their bochinches. You are absolutely doing the right thing in being a listening ear but not reacting by going and starting a war with the stepmom or your ex.

I came to that conclusion after making the repeated mistake to get involved. It never helped my son's issues in the other home. When he would complain to me that his dad was never alone with him and any talk he wanted to have privately with his father had to always be in the presence of step mom including activities of any kinds, I made the mistake to approach his dad and suggest he does set aside time alone with our son. Ouch! The level of defensiveness was extremely high. It did not matter I was trying to be helpful to my son. There were other instances when I "took the bull by the horn" with a couple of not so pleasant conversations with step mom over the phone and did tell her "you are too controling with my son". Ouch! That resulted in rather "blasting" phone calls from his father to me. IOW, honest and sincere dialogue will never happen. It did not happen for 19 years. I wonder why I continued to pursue the ideal of ever having "heart to heart" communications with my ex when our communication as married people was reduced to "lip service".

This is something I did to my parents and they failed at. I would be having issues with my dad because he wasn't around much, so I'd get my mom all riled up so that she'd go tell everybody off and do my bidding. Only I didn't realize at the time what I was really doing. Then, I'd go to my dad out of frustration with my mom, and get him to go after her for whatever reason.

That is pretty much the scenario we are dealing with. However, my son is getting to the point where I have expressed to him that I never get a favorable response. That at his age, he needs to have the courage to bring up those issues to the concerned party. The problem for me is that I know his father hates confrontations. He'd rather "sweep things under the carpet", deny there is any issue or become defensive. Usualy, "keeping up appearances" prevails. But his most recent efforts to spend time alone with our son indicates to me that the kids going to him directly is working now.

I totally played them against each other- not because I liked to manipulate or anything, but simply because I was young and didn't have maturity or skills yet to go to whomever I had a problem with and confront it maturely and civilly to solve the problem.

I think that is the case for my son too.

In that area, I'd suggest to keep doing what you are doing, listening and laying it off on him to tell his father directly how he feels about it. In this way, he will learn the right actions to take in order to solve problems in life by dealing head-on, lest he slip into passive-agressivity (which is easy to do).
One thing that might be good for him to do would be to write his dad a letter and you could offer to proofread it. You know the kind of letters I am talking about: where he tells his dad the things that are bothering him, taking great care not to say things like ,"You make me feel....", and things like that. Because his dad can only be responsible for his own actions- he can't be responsible for how another person reacts to it (well that's kinda debatable, but you know what I mean, and it puts the reader to be less defensive and more open to what the writer has to say when excessive charges are not made), but just to gather up all of the things that bother him, and let it be known in the letter, without saying, "Your wife controls you!". Instead he could say, "When you and she do this and this, it appears as though she is controlling you and it seems like you love her most of anyone. I feel lost as a result and I wish we had more time together" That way his dad isn't aggressively being accused of something (even though it might be true), he has the chance to do some self-reflection- the ball is in his court. And because the letter is just simply stating grievances, it should be non-threatening. He may find this to be a relief as he throws that ball into his dad's court. He just has to have it be known to him that he can't control what his dad's reaction will be- it may be one that he doesn't like. But nevertheless, he did what was well within his right, and that was to state that there is a problem. We can't force others to fix it immediately how we want them to, but it's important to get that ball back in the other person's court because if your son has to hold the ball, it can lead to bitternesss and pent-up stuff. It's best, I have found, to write the letter, toss that ball back in thier court, and move forward knowing that I did what I had a right to do. I did that with my mother, actually. And while she denied my letter as a "misperception" on my part after not speaking to me for a few months after I sent it, slowly, she has actually changed and I see her making an effort toward correcting the things that were bothering me about her behavior. I never got a formal apology or anything, but that doesn't matter. I let go of a lot of stuff by writing it to her, I was internally making a decision not to carry the weight of it around and hate her for it- even if she brushed it off or hated me for it and never changed. It's kinda a hard thing for a 14 year old kid to do for the first time, but it is very relieving. (I'm sure you are already familiar with this since this is commonly suggested by counselors for people to do).

That's an excellent advice, Rubia. I am very thankful for your willingness to relate your personal experience. In fact, I will consider encouraging my son to write me a letter in which he can present what bothers him about my behavior. I know he must have issues on my side too.

But like I said, you are already doing the right thing in that area I think. It's important for him at his age to, as he is becoming aware of the imperfection of others, to learn how to accept that he cannot control other people, he only can control himself and what his response to the world around him will be in terms of problem-solving. This is important for everybody, really.

I do see him attempting to exercise control a lot. He even attempts to control my own emotional response to various things. He becomes critical of how I am so easily moved by other people's circumstances. He becomes cynical with me and sarcastic when I show emotions.

There are a couple of things that I want to reassure you about though:
It doesn't matter now if your divorce was the "right" thing, or the "wrong" thing. You don't have to justify it or explain it for the rest of your life. You made the decision that you did, and it is in the past. It is exactly whatever it is. Let it be exactly that with your family- you do not have to justify it anymore. Resist that temptation. Even if you awoke tomorrow and realized you had done the wrong thing all those years ago (hypothetically speaking), there's nothing you could possibly do to change it now! This is something I am right now starting to learn, as you can see from my other thread. The past is the past. It is our jobs and obligations to let it go, and show these kids how to move forward regardless of whatever they think it was. This is the important thing. If you wanna get this kid moving forward positively, mom has to move forward too and not keep looking back examining the past. It's okay if you do! I promise! Whatever you did, whether it was right or wrong: own it, and let it go. Resist the urge to treat it like carry-on luggage. It's place is in the past.

I am starting to get to this point, Rubia. Your words are very kind and realistic. And everything in my life since the divorce has proven to facilitate a moving on motion. I do not think any of my children had ever known me happy as I am now. My beloved and loving hubby, our recently purchased house, my being in remission, my job I so very much find contentment and fulfillment in it as it places me in the life of needy people, all those things and more ought to confirm that the moving on is in fact a great improvement over what the past used to be.

Also, it is typical of teens to use sarcasm and mockery with their parents. This is not a sign of something really bad going on with your son, I don't think. But as a mom it can be hurtful. And I suspect that his issues with his dad at times probably cause him to lash out at you- simply because you are there and are closest. Try not to take it personally. And another thing: you do not have to tolerate it. It doesn't matter what others are going through, it doesn't give them the right to cut YOU down and disrespect you. It is not unreasonable if you make that demand- that he not speak that way to you- and you've got every right to establish consequences for that behavior. It is one thing to feel badly for your son and his stage of life, what he is going through, etc. but it doesn't mean that because you feel bad, that he may now treat you with mockery and sarcasm. I'm not saying to go punch him in the mouth! But when the conversation gets to the point where you are mocked or sarcasm spewed at you, then "Woah there, buddy. Here's where the conversation just ended." and dole out whatever consequence you feel is appropriate- even if you think that the appropriate response is simply to end the interaction and not a big grounding or something. It is perfectly reasonable for you to expect to be spoken to with a certain degree of respect.

It is like a battle of the wills. If I communicate that I will leave the house to remove myself from the argument, his response becomes" fine, I will call my dad (step mom) and have her pick me up since you do not want to spend time with me". Ouch. When he knows I spend all my time with him. I modify my work schedule to make sure I am not entangled in a shift when he is home with us. Times I could not find someone to cover me with a patient at the last minute, he has held it over my head big time! When I know like many teens he loves to be able to have the house to himself at times and warm up in the oven the special pizza I bought for him or meal I fixed for him. I have always tried to compensate for the very few times, I had no choice but to do my pre arranged shift or leave the patient without any care.

I do have to think about coming up with real consequences with him. Considering he has both a computer and TV in his room, it should not be too hard. The next time, he does the " I will throw a major fit to get what I want the way I want it", promise, Rubia, I will yank TV and computer out of his bedroom for a set number of days! My husband has told me already "you need to set real consequences for his behavior with you".

Something similar happened the other between my mom and my brother (who just turned 18). He has always, when he gets frustrated, freaks out and gets very dramatic- even cries (in the past). The other day he had to fix some things in his Senior Research Project and my mom was asking me if I'd look it over for him. I heard him yelling in the background- really loud- at her (which is weird because I'd never heard him yell like that before- they are not a yelling household, BTW). He was going, "GAH!!! I can't take it anymore!! I hate this stupid crap!!! I can't do it! I can't do it! I dunno what my teacher wants from me and I'm sick of everything!!! I'm just gonna flunk! Forget it! BAAH!" So here she was, on the phone to me, asking if I'd help him format his paper in Word, and to look it over and point out what he should do to make it better. I said yes, but I also told her, "Mom.... y'know, I realize he is stressed out and has a lot on his plate and all..... but you have a right not to be yelled at."
While that is a different situation entirely, the same thing applies here. You, Rahab, have a right to not be mocked. And it's perfectly okay if you draw the line about it. I give you permission!

Thank you, Rubia! It is quite pathetic, is it not, that an almost 50 year old mom finds herself being criticized, mocked by a youngling of age 14! Maybe it is because I am not a serious looking person..... I can be silly, very funny and I usualy love to be in the company of teens. I do not inspire the "wisedom of the silver hair woman" image. Even my voice is "little girl like" at times. My son will often refer to me as "you are so cute, so french....". And it bothers the heck out of me because none of those terms reflect the type of qualities I would expect a son to admire in his mother! Give me a " you were so strong mom when you got your diagnosis. You were such a trooper." "I am proud of your job, mom. " " You make things go a long way with limited money" etc etc.... But "you are so cute".... I feel like he is going to pat me on the head and hand me a lollypop! I can imagine him describing me to his school buddies as " my mom is so cute and soooooooo french" What is "so french" supposed to mean anyway?

Sorry this post was so wordy! And I may be wrong about much of it. Like I said, I'm not there, nor do I have all answers. But lately I am thinking that we mothers make the "damage that has been done" to our kids out to be something horribly big, allowing ourselves to be manipulated a bit and walked on by them. I think we gotta just let stuff go, own it and move on. That's the best thing.

Dearest, you have just hit the nail on the head! I do realize I need to dedramatize whichever has happened or will happen. Maybe a touch of humor when he starts the preparations for a major fit will work! Or the next time, he dares to complain that he does not like what I cooked for him at the dinner table, I can just take his plate and serve him a can of cat food! I need to be able to laugh at those things, Rubia. Recently, I tried a new trick : in the midst of an argument, I switched into French and declared that I will not use English anylonger with him. Oh man! You would think he would back down... nope! I was amazed at how much vocabulary he has in French and how he managed to argue his case in a language which is not his native language. He got an A on his french test the following day.....no wonder! I will corner him with Italian or German next time!