Submit Your Candidates for March 2006 Screwballs of the Month

[jpholding]

And make 'em good and screwy.

[Sparko]

Provoker:

Since we know that the christ resurrects the kingdom of Israel at the end of the book, and we know that there is no such scriptural doctrine as "the second coming of christ", then whoever is perpetuating the belief that the dead Jesus is "The Christ", would appear to be the anti-christ...don't you agree?
I'd be happy to debate the point with anyone:-)

http://www.theologyweb.com/campus/sh...27&postcount=8

(the whole thread is screwball material)

[Spheniscine]

Would this count?
http://www.christianspacemission.org/

Some of the stuff there seems somewhat New-Age. Hadn't had the time to read it in detail yet though.

[jpholding]

Would this count?
http://www.christianspacemission.org/

Some of the stuff there seems somewhat New-Age. Hadn't had the time to read it in detail yet though.

I think that deserves a bronze at least!

[Sparko]

I think that deserves a bronze at least!

It's priceless. He references Marcus Borg in his footnotes too.

I really got a kick out of his plan to shoot a few diamonds (6 oz) into interstellar space:

If and when they approach other stars in our galaxy or beyond, their brilliance should make them visible to alien telescopes or spacecraft even before they enter the atmosphere of any planets, moons, or other possibly inhabited celestial bodies.

LOL! Yeah, a 1-inch diamond will make itself noticable in the vastness of space by "its brilliance" -

Greelok1: "Flizbin2! Look! What is that brilliant star in the sky?"

Flizbin2: "Why it must be another one of those gospel diamonds from earth! Quick destroy it with the Plutonic Laser Destructo-beam!"

[themuzicman]

And make 'em good and screwy.

http://www.theologyweb.com/campus/sh...ad.php?t=72739

This is just the epitome of what appears to be an obsessive-compulsive disorder over President Bush. The salient quote in this post is:

You know the country is upset when a Minnesotan is leading the charge for regime-change on the homefront.

Like Garrison Keillor is going to lead a political charge for anything.

Michael

[Cynic Sage]

Some responses to a Christian blog entry from Slacktivist.com:

http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slack...mment-14369269

"And the congregation sent 12,000 of the valiant warriors there, and commanded them, saying, "Go and (F)strike the inhabitants of Jabesh-gilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the little ones. "This is the thing that you shall do: you (G)shall utterly destroy every man and every woman who has lain with a man. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabesh-gilead 400 young virgins who had not known a man by lying with him; and they brought them to the camp at Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan."
--Judges 21:10-12

There's your divinely-sanctioned infanticide AND your divinely-sanctioned rape/sex slavery too.

...

Plus it always seemed like a pretty good moral sop too: A Christian is, say, sexually torturing Iraqi prisoners, and the better angels of his nature whisper in his ear, "This is wrong!" the man can simply deactivate that voice by think, "Wow this does feel really wrong . . . But you know, I bet the fact that lots of sexular people oppose it means that it must secretly be something GOOD!"
And he goes right back to torturing.

I think by "sexular" he means "secular".

And also a nomination for Duane's reply to Robert:

http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slack...mment-14540987

If a certain group wants to legalise prostitution, for example, then surely it's equally valid for another group to lobby for outlawing it??

Sure, but don't claim that is what Christ wants or you are somehow working on the side of God. God has a rich history of consorting with prostitutes. Let's say, hypothetically, that you are successful at outlawing prostitution because you don't like it, and a hopeless young woman is unable to provide for her small child and that child dies. Do you honestly think that God is going to slap you on the back and give you a cigar in Heaven and thank you for making sure that young child suffered the wages of "sin"? Or do you think God will have a little consternation that you assaulted what Jesus referred to as the "least of these"?

Pimp: Fo' Faive-hundred-dollas I hook you up wit' one of ma first-class hos.

Potential john: Five-hundred dollars? Hmm... I don't know.

Pimp: C'mon, man! Think of da children! Think of Jeesuz. You think he want Cheyenne's children to starve. "What would Jeesuz do?" He'd do Cheyeene.

[Spheniscine]

Here's more:

Eight centuries ago, as we reckon them, one of those fellow humans whose memory I most cherish, a saintly monk called Francis of Assisi, preached this love’s gospel to the birds, much as I am now, following his example, preaching it to you, who may, for all that I can tell, resemble birds.
He also loved all that he believed that God, the highest and the greatest object of his love, the Lord of Love, had made. He loved the Sun, the Moon, the stars. He loved water, wind, and fire. In celebration of this all-embracing love, he addressed to the Lord of Love this canticle, which many of us still sing most worshipfully today:

O most High, most powerful, good Lord,
To you belong the praise, the glory, the honor and all blessing.
To you alone, most High, do they belong,
And no man may fitly speak your name.

With all your creatures, Lord, be praised,
Not least for our Brother Sun, who daily brings us light.
Beautiful and radiant in his great splendor,
How well he tells of you, most High.

Be praised, my Lord, for Sister Moon and for the Stars,
Carved by you, clear and rich and fair.

Be praised, my Lord, for Brother Wind . . .

Be praised, my Lord, for Sister Water . . .

Be praised, my Lord, for Brother Fire . . .

Be praised, my Lord, for our Sister, Mother Earth . . .

Sounds like a Native American religion hymnal. Just replace 'Lord' with 'Great Spirit' and you're done.

Oh, I also found another website: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/5606/litha.html . Look at the third paragraph.

It is interesting to note here that the Christian religion has also tried to usurp this holiday by decreeing it the birth of John the Baptist, and declaring it his feast day. Now, other Saints in the Church are only remembered for the day they died (usually in martyrdom) so it is very curious that St. John the Baptist should be the only one recognized on his natal day. Also, the original birth of Christ was moved from late Spring when he was actually born, to December 25 to coincide with the birth of all the other "Sun" Gods. So even the Christian religion has rotated to the Pagan cycle of the Earth, with their births lining right up with our Solstices. The natural cycle, what we call the Wheel of the Year, is evidently highly compelling!

[Spheniscine]

It's priceless. He references Marcus Borg in his footnotes too.

Don't forget Elaine Pagels and... wait for it... John Shelby Spong!

[Christy]

Some responses to a Christian blog entry from Slacktivist.com:

http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slack...mment-14369269






I think by "sexular" he means "secular".

And also a nomination for Duane's reply to Robert:

http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slack...mment-14540987



Pimp: Fo' Faive-hundred-dollas I hook you up wit' one of ma first-class hos.

Potential john: Five-hundred dollars? Hmm... I don't know.

Pimp: C'mon, man! Think of da children! Think of Jeesuz. You think he want Cheyenne's children to starve. "What would Jeesuz do?" He'd do Cheyeene.

I am feeling mean. I don't see how the story in Judges 21:10-12, or the other Old Testament passages that were quoted, prescribe Christians to kill newborn babies

[Cynic Sage]

I am feeling mean. I don't see how the story in Judges 21:10-12, or the other Old Testament passages that were quoted, prescribe Christians to kill newborn babies

The "OT biblegod is a meanie" is a rather common objection. What weirded me out the most was the "if you don't support prostitution you cause children to starve".

[Christy]

The "OT biblegod is a meanie" is a rather common objection. What weirded me out the most was the "if you don't support prostitution you cause children to starve".

Yeah that was weird.

[Cynic Sage]

Some responses to a Christian blog entry from Slacktivist.com:

Made a mistake. I meant to say "at Slacktivist.com" not "from Slacktivist.com". My Bad.

[Cynic Sage]

A nomination for Amenlover and his blog:

http://amenlover.livejournal.com/2617.html

I received an e-mail this morning from someone named Katie who asked: "What do you think about Matthew Chapter 7?"
...

For those of you who only keep a Bible around to impress your in-laws when they come over for the big game I would like to remind you that Mathew 7 is that great work which concludes the Sermon on the Mount and includes such well-known passages as:

"Judge not, that ye be not judged."
"...neither cast ye your pearls before swine..."
"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you."
"...wide the gate, and broad the way, that leadeth to destruction..."
"Ye shall know them by their fruits."
"Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven."
"Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock..."
It is truly a Scriptural gem. Amen!

...

The Gospel according to Matthew although clearly written after the resurrection of Jesus Christ is of course a history of the events before His crucifixion and therefore that book although a member of the New Testament canon is in fact doctrinally a part of the Old Testament Dispensation of Law.
As such the Sermon on the Mount applies not to contemporary Christian Gentiles but to the nation of Israel which was still suffering under the works as well as the rituals and sacrifices of the law. Amen.

...

Therefore it is simply not good Biblical hermeneutics to use this passage to justify sodomy and substance abuse and witchcraft and environmentalism and other such sins of the flesh which is how Matthew 7 is commonly misused. Amen!

And it appears he has woman trouble as well:

http://amenlover.livejournal.com/10479.html

Free of the sticky trap of the harlot
Well my friends and detractors I lack the words to express just how good it is to resume this ministry which is of course God's ministry although unfortunately this time my absence was not due to anything as simple as a jail term for defying a protection order on behalf of an abortion clinic but instead my absence is due to a failed love relationship with a woman who claimed to be a Christian (as if! which means I will not be peeking over the Lord's shoulder at the Final Judgment to see if her name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life as the feigned curiosity would only be an irritation to Him) although her definition of "Christian" turned out to be as loose as her moral integrity but then again it is not my place to judge her or her ornamental window-dressed impression of what she thinks a Christian is supposed to be as the Lord will surely take the time out of His busy schedule while He's judging the quick and the dead at the Great White Throne to explain it to her before he spits her lukewarm carcass in the direction of that massive funnel which empties into the never ending fires of HELL. Amen.

[attachment]

However for you younger and less Biblically literate Christians I would propose three ways in which you can determine whether your girlfriend is a True Christian or a harlot in sheep's clothing:

She tells your mother she's excited to be courting you because she will now have a date to the upcoming Creed-impression karaoke night. No amens over this brood of vipers who don attire not unlike the rest of the hedonists and seducers of MTV and VH1 and engage in the vernacular of the same.


She claims that homosexuals are born that way and should be accepted by the Christian community as long as they repent of their wickedness and refrain from engaging in sexual relations with each other.

She reads from one of the new age Bible per-versions like the New American Standard or the New International Version instead of the Authorized 1611 King James translation.

All I can say is: Good for her for leaving this dud.

[Cynic Sage]

Hey JP, when you gonna post the Febuary Screwballs on your site?