Fear of Service

[Meh_Gerbil]

I'm poking around with the whole servant concept - the idea of loving your neighbors and all of that nonsense. I've stated several times I'd be willing to 'mow a lawn' if my neighbor was in the hospital - that sort of thing. Pretty basic stuff really.

As it turns out I have a neighbor one house over that is 'retarded' on some level. She is an older woman who has been abused by men for several years now - or so the neighbors say. She lives in a dumpy house which looks like something out of a ghetto - the missing shingles, the missing windows (basement) - junk piled in the yard - broken down cars in the driveway - you know what I mean.

Now what?

Here we are in a middle class neighborhood and there is the one house on the block - surrounded by well kept yards and so forth - surrounded by moral people who've jobs, family, and Tuesday Nite softball games.

I feel like I should do something to help but I've several fears:

1: Fear of Getting Used
You know the bit - I don't wanna go over there and mow her lawn just so she can be sitting in the house all day watching TV. Maybe she should get off her butt and do something already? On the other hand, getting used is an occupational hazzard when trying to serve others. This is likely my fate, but so what?

2: Fear of Getting Rejected
What if I knock on her door and she tells me to get the heck off her property? She has a mean dog - what if I get bit and laughed at?

3: Fear of Being Patronizing
I just know if I get involved I'll look down on this person. Frankly, I'd rather get bit by her dog then be a partronizing twit. I SO HATE that atttitude of partronizing - it is so easy for me to do and it is so very ugly.

4: Fear of Being Self Righteous
As soon as I help her out I'm gonna get all self righteous about it. I hate that feeling as well. I honestly don't wanna go into it for selfish reasons and I wish I could help someone out without getting all haughty about it. Sheesh.

5: Fear of Being Distracted
I've got a wife and kids, they need my attention as well. I don't wanna be one of those guys who is so busy helping others that his own family suffers.

Anyways, I'm considering making this person's lawn my 'ministry' for this summer. Just spending a couple hours a week helping her keep her yard up and that is it. I've got about 5 weeks before I'd be able to start this project so I'm gonna ask G_d for the strength and courage to either walk away from it or dive in and get busy depending upon his leading.

This is so basic I know - but it is new territory for me.

[Rubia Warren]

I'm poking around with the whole servant concept - the idea of loving your neighbors and all of that nonsense. I've stated several times I'd be willing to 'mow a lawn' if my neighbor was in the hospital - that sort of thing. Pretty basic stuff really.

As it turns out I have a neighbor one house over that is 'retarded' on some level. She is an older woman who has been abused by men for several years now - or so the neighbors say. She lives in a dumpy house which looks like something out of a ghetto - the missing shingles, the missing windows (basement) - junk piled in the yard - broken down cars in the driveway - you know what I mean.

Now what?

Here we are in a middle class neighborhood and there is the one house on the block - surrounded by well kept yards and so forth - surrounded by moral people who've jobs, family, and Tuesday Nite softball games.

I feel like I should do something to help but I've several fears:

1: Fear of Getting Used
You know the bit - I don't wanna go over there and mow her lawn just so she can be sitting in the house all day watching TV. Maybe she should get off her butt and do something already? On the other hand, getting used is an occupational hazzard when trying to serve others. This is likely my fate, but so what?

Getting used is part of helping others out. Part of you helpng out others, in a way, if you really think about it, is to help yourself out, too.

Chances are, if she is mildly retarded, she doesn't live that way simply due to laziness. Unfortunately, you probably won't spark a change in her living habits simply by seeing the place cleaned up a couple of times-- I mean, she's mentally challenged. There's no pill for that, it is what it is.

But the hard work and humility can be good for you, it can be good for her, as she won't have to worry about doing it herself or something, and your neighborhood will prolly appreciate it more than anybody if this is the only junky house in the area. It will affect literally everyone on the block if that place is cleaned up. You never know- it may inspire other neighbors to come later and do other types of work for her- even if they are doing it really to keep up the neighborhood and not so much for her, specifically (hey I am speaking realistically, here, we are humans).

If she is mentally competent enough to use you and rely on you to get her stuff done, then there's not really a whole lot you can do about that. You can decide later about that and set up some limitations, but you can't not help others based on your own prediction that they might use you. Truth be told: most people, regardless, are gonna use you if you help them. That's been my experience anyways. But that's not the whole point.

Part of the point to helping out others is to learn how to not expect or anticipate something from the person you are helping. Too often we help others, and then get bummed cuz they turned right around and crapped on something we just worked all day at making beautiful for them, or they didn't even say "thank you", etc. and we feel like getting bitter or cynical. The thing to remember is: this is only what you can see right here and right now. If you know you are doing God's will (by loving your neighbor), then He will work all that other stuff out, and sometimes that takes time, and their response is on them. That's why I tell you later in this post to not wait around for a thank you, and to try to make it a stealth mission so you won't get yourself in a position to sit around and stew over her response to your hard work-- or be pleased with her response. You can't control other people and it's too easy to base service to others on what they will do with it.

People place their expectations on me when they give me things, and they later get mad at me when I don't live up to them. Many friends & family members say, "Ehhh don't give it to r00bz. SHe won't keep it- she'll prolly give it away or sell it for a profit." And it's true: I prolly will, if I am given something (not just with things given to me though). I think it's good that things are moving constantly at my house, but others don't understand and become cynical. I will give the example that I use on my stepdad, cuz he razzes me the most: If God has a purpose for an old heavy candleholder sitting in your basement, and you give it to r00bz, don't expect it to end there. You may see with your eyes that r00bz gave it away to some chick down the street like it was nothing, but it doesn't stop there. That candleholder may get passed to 5 different people before it gets to where God wanted it to go. The last person who receives it, could use it to defend herself against her abusive, drugged-out husband to get away from him one night, starting a new life for her. If the candleholder had not been sitting there, she may have been killed, or beaten down yet again. All of the things you have given me, you think I do not appreciate them because I don't keep them & treasure them for eternity, but what I do is let them loose & keep them moving, so that they may get to wherever God wants them to go- that's not for me to work out. If you could trace everything you've given me, you'd prolly be shocked at how far they traveled--- but if they are part of God's plan, they will get to where they should go. They don't get there if they are being stored up in the attic, or in the basement of people's homes."

That's an extreme example, with the woman & her husband, but you get the drift. If we love our neighbor, and we don't hold on to material things, and don't worry about the response from those we help, God works out all things and keeps a balance, and will use it in His plan. We just may not see it directly most of the time, but we aren't big enough to see it.

3: Fear of Being Patronizing
I just know if I get involved I'll look down on this person. Frankly, I'd rather get bit by her dog then be a partronizing twit. I SO HATE that atttitude of partronizing - it is so easy for me to do and it is so very ugly.

I think you are right by starting out in her yard. Just go mow it. There's no need for a lot of words..... unless her dog is outside that day. Then when you are done, leave. That usually works for me. I don't like to get into the idle chit chat, and hearing the thank you's.... or even worse: chit-chatting until I find myself waiting to hear the thank you.
Do it with no thanks in mind- try to do it where you won't hear a thank you, and you won't get compliments. Try to do it as stealth as you can- for your own ego's sake (not that I think you are an ego-maniac, it's just you seem to be similar to me sometimes in those areas).

4: Fear of Being Self Righteous
As soon as I help her out I'm gonna get all self righteous about it. I hate that feeling as well. I honestly don't wanna go into it for selfish reasons and I wish I could help someone out without getting all haughty about it. Sheesh.

I have that same problem, too.

5: Fear of Being Distracted
I've got a wife and kids, they need my attention as well. I don't wanna be one of those guys who is so busy helping others that his own family suffers.

The greatest thing you can do is take your kids down there with you to work alongside you. They need to know, in this world, how to help others withoutexpecting anything in return, especially gratitude. The best way for that is to see how you work through it. Plus it's a family thing you can do together. You don't have to take on the neighbor's entire life to fix- you're not God. Just go mow her lawn sometimes or something.

[serapha]

Hi there!



Pray about it. If God lays it on your heart to do it, then do it. If you have a fear of neglecting your family, tell them to pray about it also. Maybe God has a family project in mind.


Where God guides, God provides. If it's God's project to help this neighbor and be an example of Christian service to your community, then know this... maybe this isn't your test of servitude, but rather an example of those watching your Christian walk.


~serapha~

[Rubia Warren]

Hi there!



Pray about it. If God lays it on your heart to do it, then do it. If you have a fear of neglecting your family, tell them to pray about it also. Maybe God has a family project in mind.


Where God guides, God provides. If it's God's project to help this neighbor and be an example of Christian service to your community, then know this... maybe this isn't your test of servitude, but rather an example of those watching your Christian walk.


~serapha~

This is curious to me as I am right now trying to figure out what it means to do things such as "waiting on God", "letting God lead", etc. So I have some questions.

Why would helping others be something that one should wait to hear from God about? Why wouldn't helping someone out be "God's project"?

It seems to me that we have already been commanded to love our neighbor. Why would we need to check with God to see if it's okay with Him to put that into action? Isn't that sort of redundant if the command to give freely and love one another was already laid out thousands of years ago? How are we going against his "project" or his "plan" if we commit selfless acts for one another? Is that really something we should be praying about, whether or not we should do His will??? It seems to me to be some human invention to "pray and see if God lays it on your heart to do it". It seems to me He already laid it on our hearts by those 2 simple commands. To me, Christians should just do it. All the other details regarding a CHristian example for the community are for God to work out.... or not work out.

[Meh_Gerbil]

This is curious to me as I am right now trying to figure out what it means to do things such as "waiting on God", "letting God lead", etc. So I have some questions.

Why would helping others be something that one should wait to hear from God about? Why wouldn't helping someone out be "God's project"?

Too many people go out and do stuff in their own strength.
I'd like to avoid that.

[Rubia Warren]

Too many people go out and do stuff in their own strength.
I'd like to avoid that.

Maybe, but I'm not sure I am fully convinced of that. Their strength still comes from God, and His will is still being carried out when we help one another. You out of all people have shown me how simple it really is.

It seems to me that asking God in prayer if you should help someone or not is sort of like feeling like stealing and asking God in prayer if He still disapproves of stealing.

By helping those around us, we aren't making an investment and later waiting on the return. You mow a lawn here and move on. You give some clothes there, and move on. Over here, you help someone struggling to carry something heavy, and ya move on. Over there, you make some kid a sandwich and you move on. If love is to be unconditional, then loving your neighbor by doing helpful things is not an investment that has a direct return, and is not dependent on variables and outcomes. Nor by helping a neighbor are you committing to taking on another dependent.

It is the commandment He already laid down. It is the example He already lived that we read about. Asking Him in prayer and waiting on a sign as to whether or not you should give to someone is actually one's own self trying to get out of it, most of the time, IMHO.

[luv1another]

have you considered organising some people from church or your neighbourhood and doing a busy bee? (hmm not sure if thats what it's called in USA, where you gather like 5-10 people and just spend half a day tidying up and fixing things for her)

[Gideon Brown]

It seems to me that we have already been commanded to love our neighbor. Why would we need to check with God to see if it's okay with Him to put that into action? Isn't that sort of redundant if the command to give freely and love one another was already laid out thousands of years ago? How are we going against his "project" or his "plan" if we commit selfless acts for one another? Is that really something we should be praying about, whether or not we should do His will??? It seems to me to be some human invention to "pray and see if God lays it on your heart to do it". It seems to me He already laid it on our hearts by those 2 simple commands. To me, Christians should just do it. All the other details regarding a CHristian example for the community are for God to work out.... or not work out.

Well, I agree, r00bz (in fact, I almost think that's worth another POTD... almost... ). I don't get this 'wait to hear from God' stuff either. We hear from God through the bible, don't we...?

[Meh_Gerbil]

Well, I agree, r00bz (in fact, I almost think that's worth another POTD... almost... ). I don't get this 'wait to hear from God' stuff either. We hear from God through the bible, don't we...?

I know more missionaries and pastors whose kids are wrecks because daddy was too busy running around helping others. Often, the Spirit of G_d has us do things so much different than what we'd imagine.

[Rubia Warren]

I know more missionaries and pastors whose kids are wrecks because daddy was too busy running around helping others. Often, the Spirit of G_d has us do things so much different than what we'd imagine.

Really, gerbz.

It doesn't take committing one's whole life & sacrificing one's family to simply walk 2 yards down after you've mowed your yard, and cut some grass that's high, turn around when you're done, and walk your lawn mower back home.

Self-sacrifice and loving our neighbors is not as grand and organized a thing as many people imagine. There's a big difference between cutting grass once in a while for someone, and becoming a missionary. And if we can't decide on whether or not to do a favor for a neighbor in small stuff, how do we expect God to lead us into some big-time organized dedication to helping out others? This is how people get led into being pastors and missionary work who prolly shouldn't be there.

Handle the small stuff and you'll be given the big stuff.

[Gideon Brown]

I know more missionaries and pastors whose kids are wrecks because daddy was too busy running around helping others.

Really? I'm sorry to hear that. I mean, I wouldn't suggest not budgeting your time wisely.

[mossrose]

There's a balance that we have to find between service to others and service to our family. To me, mowing a lawn for someone else once a week and perhaps a little more yard work would not be neglecting your own family for someone else.

My feeling is, Gerb, is you are already sensing that this is something you might want to be doing, then God HAS placed in on your heart and in your hands. Roobz has given you some very good advice.

What's the worst thing that can happen? She gets her lawn mowed at least once, you might get yelled at or the dog sicced on you, not much worse can go wrong.

But the eternal significance could be great. She may not know about the Lord, and your act of kindness and grace might open the door to more.

You never know.

[Meh_Gerbil]

Really, gerbz.

While I realize the act is very minor the issue of it being service to G_d and not service to myself is a HUGE issue for me. I know mowing a lawn does not a martyr make but I simply refuse to do another thing 'for G_d' that is really 'for me'. I'm so tired of that legalistic pOOpie.

It is a simple act, but the considerations in my own head are huge.
I want to begin to genuinely love this person and that is something that only comes with the power of G_d.

If these simple acts were so easy everyone would be doing them.

I've got a couple of weeks to consider things and get my heart right.
I'll let ya'll know how it goes. =)

[mossrose]

We had an interim pastor once who told the story about neighbours that they had. The neighbours were really messy and the yard was horrible and the kids ran wild. They didn't seem to have much income.

The pastor and his wife found it very difficult to feel any sort of love and compassion for them, but knew that they needed to be kind and to do what was practically necessary, even though they didn't feel like it.

So they began to bake cookies and take over casseroles, and help with the yard, and every once in a while, they would add a little paper money to the pot. They began with almost a begrudging and whiny spirit.

But as they came to know the people and realize that they were indeed, eternal beings, either to glory or to damnation, they began to really feel a sense of love toward them, and the ministry that started out with totally wrong motives became one that truly glorified God.

We do things all the time "because we have to", not necessarily because we want to. But if we are acting in obedience to the pull of the Spirit (which I think you are feeling, Gerby), then the proper motives WILL fall into place. Maybe later than sooner. But, eventually, they will be there where they belong.

Don't try to overthink it all. Just act on what you feel is right, and it will all work out in the end the way it is supposed to.

[Gideon Brown]

If you want, you can feel free to mow my lawn. And wash my dishes. C'mon, c'mon, I also need my toenails cut. :eyebrow: