Don't know what to do...

[WhenImOnFire]

Hey guys, what's up?

Well, I'm going to church here in a bit, so I'll get to the point.


I've grown up in a Christian household all my life, my parents and I both are God-fearing, but anyways, they don't allow me to date. Around the beginning of the school year, I met a girl, who'm I had no attraction to at first, but gradually, I started having feelings for her, and I ended up telling her so. She said she had them too... From that point on, we pursued a relationship. By now, my parents have found out, and my Dad, has decided that I'm going to send her a letter telling her that I can't keep this up, and that my parents have found out and all that stuff... I've finnished the letter, and I'm planning to ask my Dad if he'll let me call her instead, because of how strong my feelings are for her, and how serious thing were. I just feel like it's too much to leave at a letter.

She has no idea what's going on right now with me. Her parents took her out of the program I saw her at every week, and I don't see her anywhere's else, so she doesn't know thay mr parents have found out.

Just recently, I was talking to a friend, and he said that she had called him, and that she had been trying to call me a bunch, but couldn't get through. I figured out it's because the phone is off the hook at the time she calls, because my Mom and the little kids in our family try to nap at that time...

So I'm in a dilemma... Do I put the phone back on the hook so that I can ansewer next time she calls? She's probably going to get through at some point... And it would certainly put me in the situation I would be in if she randomly called me and got through. I can't ignore or be rude to her, so if she calls, I have ot talk, but I don't know what my parents think. I'm tempted to go to my Dad and tell him she's been trying to call. I can't really afford any more trouble with my parents, but I don't know that that would cause it....

I could really use some advice.. Even though I'm pretty sure I know what you all will say, I'd appreciate the input.

Thanks,
Marty

PS. If you have any questions, please do ask them, I couldn't put the full story in here, cause I'm leaving in, like, literally 5 minutes...

[Teallaura]

Hi!

Sorry you're having such trouble.

I'm assuming, given your age, that it will be a couple of years before your parents will permit you to date. That’s a long time to wait for anyone.

I admire that you want to talk to her personally - the biggest mistake most guys make is not talking personally with the difficult stuff. It's really hard on a girl when you do that - making it even harder to accept what you have to say. That kind of character will serve you well in the future.

As to the issue at hand, I think you should talk with both of your parents. Set up a time when they aren't busy or distracted so you can talk to them without more stress (you'll have enough as it is). You might want to make up a list of things you want to say - that will help when the pressure's on and you get tongue tied (as most of us do).

The reason I say both is that your mom will understand the girl's point of view better than your dad will (fact of life - not a critique). Explain that you are willing to obey them, but you don't want to hurt the girl anymore than necessary. Explain (assuming you agree) that you feel she deserves to hear it from you personally, not via an impersonal letter.

Do be truthful about her attempts to reach you. If your parent see that you're being up front with them, they'll likely react a lot better than if they think you're holding back important stuff. But bear in mind that she is probably confused and hurt and that is why she's trying so hard to reach you. She doesn't have a clue here (as you pointed out) and she's probably thinking the worst. Your mom will understand that. It's all the more reason why you need to speak to her in person rather than by letter and soon.

If your parents give you permission, call her immediately. That's gonna be harder than you imagine, but she, and later other girls, will respect you a lot more for it.

Now, for the details you left out - you need to deal with anything else that might have damaged your relationship with your parents (I suspect there is something just from the way you describe it). That's not easy - in fact it's a royal pain, especially for a teen. But you've got at least four more years of the 'teenager' thing - it can be a nightmare if you let your relationship with your parents deteriorate. But it doesn't have to be - it just takes work. It's hard, 'cause your changing, more than you'll realize at the time - but contention and strife in your home will only make things worse. Your parents have part of the burden, but many teens make the mistake of thinking that that burden is all the parents, when in fact it is also theirs.


I do admire your forthrightness and the way you wish to handle the situation. I think that if you keep dealing with people (unfortunately, this includes your parents, as I suspect you just learned) as directly that you will find people respect you. You're already showing signs of becoming a man of good character - and I commend you on that.

Some of the parents around here may have better advice on how to handle your talk with your parents. My advice is not to wait too long.

Best wishes and God bless!
.

[WhenImOnFire]

Hi!

Sorry you're having such trouble.

I'm assuming, given your age, that it will be a couple of years before your parents will permit you to date. That’s a long time to wait for anyone.

I admire that you want to talk to her personally - the biggest mistake most guys make is not talking personally with the difficult stuff. It's really hard on a girl when you do that - making it even harder to accept what you have to say. That kind of character will serve you well in the future.

As to the issue at hand, I think you should talk with both of your parents. Set up a time when they aren't busy or distracted so you can talk to them without more stress (you'll have enough as it is). You might want to make up a list of things you want to say - that will help when the pressure's on and you get tongue tied (as most of us do).

The reason I say both is that your mom will understand the girl's point of view better than your dad will (fact of life - not a critique). Explain that you are willing to obey them, but you don't want to hurt the girl anymore than necessary. Explain (assuming you agree) that you feel she deserves to hear it from you personally, not via an impersonal letter.

Do be truthful about her attempts to reach you. If your parent see that you're being up front with them, they'll likely react a lot better than if they think you're holding back important stuff. But bear in mind that she is probably confused and hurt and that is why she's trying so hard to reach you. She doesn't have a clue here (as you pointed out) and she's probably thinking the worst. Your mom will understand that. It's all the more reason why you need to speak to her in person rather than by letter and soon.

If your parents give you permission, call her immediately. That's gonna be harder than you imagine, but she, and later other girls, will respect you a lot more for it.

Now, for the details you left out - you need to deal with anything else that might have damaged your relationship with your parents (I suspect there is something just from the way you describe it). That's not easy - in fact it's a royal pain, especially for a teen. But you've got at least four more years of the 'teenager' thing - it can be a nightmare if you let your relationship with your parents deteriorate. But it doesn't have to be - it just takes work. It's hard, 'cause your changing, more than you'll realize at the time - but contention and strife in your home will only make things worse. Your parents have part of the burden, but many teens make the mistake of thinking that that burden is all the parents, when in fact it is also theirs.


I do admire your forthrightness and the way you wish to handle the situation. I think that if you keep dealing with people (unfortunately, this includes your parents, as I suspect you just learned) as directly that you will find people respect you. You're already showing signs of becoming a man of good character - and I commend you on that.

Some of the parents around here may have better advice on how to handle your talk with your parents. My advice is not to wait too long.

Best wishes and God bless!
.

Wow, thanks! I really appreciate you not talking down to me about my feelings. I was half expecting responses telling me that I don't have strong feelings for her, or that I don't really care if she's happy. Thank you for not looking down on me because of my age. :)

Anyways, back the subject at hand, I think you're right about telling my parents, and urging them to let me talk to her. I think sending her a letter would be the worst thing to do, and I'll see what I can do to convince them of that.

The problem is, her parents don't allow dating at all, until she turns 18 (which is the same story for me and my parents), but her parents are super-worried that, like her older brother, whom ran-away from home, she'll begin to hate them. As a result, they punish her too much, over little things, to squash it out of her. She's not even allowed to talk to guys on the phone, which is understandable, I guess, but her Dad gets extremely angry if a guy even calls... This is bad, because my parents don't know/refuse to believe half the things I've found out about her parents (there's a lot of bad history there..), and so my Dad may absolutely refuse me talking to her on the phone. The thing that no one besides me seems to see, is that it's going to have to be worked out eventually, if not now, then whenever I see her again (that's likely to be around a year, when her brother gets out of the boy's home they sent him to, and comes back to see me)....


There are some things I haven't been totally honest with my parents about.. Feelings mostly. I haven't really shown that I want this woman to be happy, so they tend to think that my feelings are hormonle. My Dad said her realized that I love her, and because of that, he's not making me talk to her parents, but they don't really understand how badly this is, being torn between them and her. But you're absolutely right, I'll be honest with them, and maybe they'll see what's going on, and let me call her.

As for the stuff I left, it's mostly what happened between her brother and I. I became friends with him a month or two before I started thinking about his sister. Thier parents won't let him play music (rock music specifically), but I urged him to keep up with it, and in the end, they threatened sending him to a boys home, so he ran away to california, and I lied when his brother called looking for him. So, yeah, that's mostly it, and that's where the trouble with my parents began. It's never quite been fixed, because, knowing the things I know about thier family, I can never agree with thier parents, for what they've done to thier kids.

Thanks so much for your advice, I probably seem like I'm going all over the place with this issue, but it's been turning into a fire for the past 6 months, and it's good to get some mature opinions on it.

Thanks,
Marty

[Teallaura]

You're more than welcome. I hope things go well for you - I know this must be a very hard time.

We have a Chaplain's Office for prayer requests and the like. You might consider posting there because it sounds like both you and she can really use the prayer support.

And no, you don't sound like you're going all over the place - you sound like someone who has a lot to deal with that's been brewing for a while. I think you've expressed yourself well and are showing some real maturity. And it's okay to just talk it out - sometimes it really helps (okay, we girls abuse the priviledge ).

God bless.

ing

[Darth Executor]

Wow, thanks! I really appreciate you not talking down to me about my feelings. I was half expecting responses telling me that I don't have strong feelings for her, or that I don't really care if she's happy. Thank you for not looking down on me because of my age. :)

I'd like to thank Teal for this as well. I'm not "too young" anymore but due to some really bad experiences in my past, I usually feel like throwing up when people say stuff like "you're too young, you don't know what love is bla bla bla". I'd send her pearls but I already sent a bunch in the last two weeks and if I send more the universe will implode.

[Teallaura]

Thanks for not imploding the world, DE. I just had my hair done and an implosion would just ruin it.

Seriously, thank you for the compliment.

[Larry Ancil]

Marty,
Seems like you've got a lot going on here. Even if you settle everything on your side, it sounds as if her family is still going to be working things out. I recommend being upfront and frank, which sounds like your current plan. As for the dating thing, I have some insight about restrictive parents and backlash. But from your side, I would ask if you have considered marrying this girl. Not to kick this over to the "I kissed dating good-bye" thread (I haven't read it yet), but in general, I would say don't even make the pretense of getting involved with someone unless you think it could work out for marriage. Investigation is fine, but you can do that in a really public setting with a bunch of people. If you get to a point where you think she's someone you'd want to marry, consider that. Not that you need to do it now, but you can start looking down that road. (In a number of ways, the earlier you start looking down that path, the better)

Check it out with your parents, and see if they are ok with you doing this. Then, think about who you are, and what you think God wants to do with your life. Go to her parents and say that you think she might make a good wife and you are interested in seeing if you guys share a common vision and if she can join you in your purposes. At this point the less emotion you can exchange between the two of you, the easier this might be. Ask her parents about their plans for her marriage. What sort of spouse are they looking for? What kind of bounds would they want to set on your relationship. Approach them with respect, honor them, and ask them about God's purpose for her.

If you are willing to wait, tell them that. A year and a half might be a fine period to plan for marriage. It will give you some time to make a serious evaluation. We all hope that emotions last, but you can't build and maintain a relationship on them. You need common ground and purpose. Practically you can also use this time to prepare, financially, spiritually, etc. There's a whole lot to learn about marriage, having some clue before hand helps.

I could go on, but I might prefer a more personal interaction. PM me if you'd like.

Larry.

[john-philip]

Hey guys, what's up?

Well, I'm going to church here in a bit, so I'll get to the point.


I've grown up in a Christian household all my life, my parents and I both are God-fearing, but anyways, they don't allow me to date. Around the beginning of the school year, I met a girl, who'm I had no attraction to at first, but gradually, I started having feelings for her, and I ended up telling her so. She said she had them too... From that point on, we pursued a relationship. By now, my parents have found out, and my Dad, has decided that I'm going to send her a letter telling her that I can't keep this up, and that my parents have found out and all that stuff... I've finnished the letter, and I'm planning to ask my Dad if he'll let me call her instead, because of how strong my feelings are for her, and how serious thing were. I just feel like it's too much to leave at a letter.

She has no idea what's going on right now with me. Her parents took her out of the program I saw her at every week, and I don't see her anywhere's else, so she doesn't know thay mr parents have found out.

Just recently, I was talking to a friend, and he said that she had called him, and that she had been trying to call me a bunch, but couldn't get through. I figured out it's because the phone is off the hook at the time she calls, because my Mom and the little kids in our family try to nap at that time...

So I'm in a dilemma... Do I put the phone back on the hook so that I can ansewer next time she calls? She's probably going to get through at some point... And it would certainly put me in the situation I would be in if she randomly called me and got through. I can't ignore or be rude to her, so if she calls, I have ot talk, but I don't know what my parents think. I'm tempted to go to my Dad and tell him she's been trying to call. I can't really afford any more trouble with my parents, but I don't know that that would cause it....

I could really use some advice.. Even though I'm pretty sure I know what you all will say, I'd appreciate the input.

Thanks,
Marty

PS. If you have any questions, please do ask them, I couldn't put the full story in here, cause I'm leaving in, like, literally 5 minutes...

Hey man, I wouldn't doubt for a second that your feelings are sincere and strong. God has designed you this way and even at your age those feelings are real and meaningful. With that said...

I know this sounds harsh, but I think the best thing you can do for your own well being is repent to God for keeping things secret and surrender it to Him in word and action by submitting to those He's placed in authority over you. And please please please be honest and open about what is going on. God has established principles in His word to be the means to accomplish His ends, and trying to work things secretly by our own hands is not usually one of them. Trust in Him and see how He desires to work His plans in His timing for your good, which is infinitely greater than what we can work by our own hands.

I'm not saying you haven't done any of this already, but it's all I have to say.

[Fizban]

I have to echo what has already been said here for the most part. Just pray through this and be completely honest with your parents about everything in regards to how you feel and the situation. If you are up front with them, they'll be much more likely to work with you. Definitely push for calling her instead of the letter--as someone said earlier, it'll be hard enough for her to hear, and sending a letter could really hurt her. I went into a period of depression partly because of how this one girl broke up with me, so handle this with wisdom, as it can have severe consequences.

That being said, don't worry too much about this. God will get you through it. It'll be tough, but you'll come out stronger on the other side.

[WhenImOnFire]

Hey guys. Thanks for all the advice.

To put it shortly, I've been upfornt with my parents about everything. I still have to work everything out with her, but on my side, with my parents, things are going pretty good.

Thank you for all the encouragement. I wish I could respond to you all, but the moment isn't too good, so I'll just say thank you. The advice has helped loads. =)

[Jin-Roh]

I have a few questions I guess.

What kind of Christian tradition are you raised in? Some might be more stringent then others on this matter.

Second, do you understand that the kind of affection you're feeling now is not quite grown-up love? In otherwords, do you realize that you are and adolescent?

I think the best thing you can do is talk it through with your parents, but others have said that already.

[Dee Dee Warren]

Jin, none of the love we feel is grown up love. Yes, his love will feel and look differently ten years from now but so will mine. In the last five years of my marriage, and I am nearly forty, I realized that it wasn't grown up love for over ten of it! And probably ten years from now, today will be quite immature.

We tend to restrict the period of immaturity to only the teen years but we are so immature in love, all of us, and that is the heart of even the journy of faith.

But I echo what you are donig and everyone has told you to do - talk to your parents. Be honest with them. You will be so glad you did, a life of coverup and deception is a bigger drain than the situation attempting to be covered up.

[WhenImOnFire]

Second, do you understand that the kind of affection you're feeling now is not quite grown-up love? In otherwords, do you realize that you are and adolescent?

This is the stuff I'm talking about. I realize that most of the teenage population thinks love is all feelings, but I know better. I know love is forgiveness, sacrifice, action. Of course my feelings aren't grown up, but there's a lot more there for me than feelings. This whole experience has helped me understand what love is (I'm not just talking about being in love, I'm talking about loving people in general). Love isn't a feeling. It makes me sad how people drive the word into the ground. But, I guess, to answer your question, yes, I do know feelings aren't always on fire, but I do also know there's more to love than feelings... And yes, I do believe I love her. Thanks for your input. Try to understand I'm not angry with you, I just can't stand for others placing me with the immature children surrounding me as piers. Basically, I hate being called a teen.