Jokes

[OldManZangetsu]

Let's hear somes jokes, I'll start.

A flood has hit a neighborhood near the coast, and is slowly rising. At about noon the waters have reached house level, and there is about three feet of water in each home, and the water is still rising. At this time, there is a local preacher standing on top of his van, reading his Bible. Some of his neighbors come by in a paddle boat and call out to him, "Preacher! The flood waters are still rising, hurry up and jump in the boat!"

The preacher responds, "Oh no, I'm alright, don't y'all worry about me. The Lord's gonna save me!" And the neighbors continue on. About two hours later the waters have risen to the first floor cieling of most homes, and by this time the preacher is standing on the roof of his garage. A few moments later a police motor boat comes by and they call out to him, "Preacher man! The waters are going to continue to rise until late tonight, please get in the boat!"

But the preacher insists, "Naw, don't you boys worry about me! The Lord has promised He's gonna save me! I'll be alright!" And so the police continue. Now at about six in the evening, the waters have risen all the way to the second floor ceiling, and the preacher is left on a little patch of the roof of his house. At this time, a helicopter comes by and calls out to him, "Preacher! The flood waters are not going to stop, you will drown! Please get into the helicopter!"

But still the preacher insists that the Lord will save him, and he sends the helicopter on it's way.

The next day the preacher finds himself standing before the pearly gates, and there is an angel standing next to it with a book in front of him. The preacher said, "Well howdy there, angel, this must be heaven, how'd I get here?"

The angel looks confused and starts flipping through pages and says to the preacher, "I don't think you're supposed to be here..."

The preacher is also confused and says, "Yeah... I could have sworn I had heard the voice of God telling me he would save me. It seemed like just a moment ago I was on my roof and the flood waters just kept risin' and... I was so sure the Lord would come to my rescue."

The angel flips to the right page, points to his name and says,
















































"Well yeah! We sent you two boats and a helicopter! What more did you want?"

[OldManZangetsu]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself
a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed..
"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

[norwegen]

Ha ha!

The first joke is kinda old and tired. The second one, though - very funny.

[Elegy]

Well...this one is sort of old, but not everyone has heard it before.

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, I just got checked in. Everything is completely prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Your Loving Husband

"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"

[OldManZangetsu]

Well...this one is sort of old, but not everyone has heard it before.

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, I just got checked in. Everything is completely prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Your Loving Husband

"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"

That's horrible!... but absolutely histerical

[OldManZangetsu]

I'm out of religious jokes, but here's some more that I know.

How do blond brain cells die?


























Alone

[OldManZangetsu]

What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and walks back?

A dirty double crosser.

[sylas]

Nigel was a rather small, quiet boy. All the other kids thought he was, well, a bit slow on the uptake. They used to tease him a lot. Sometimes they would prove to people watching how stupid he was. They would hold out to him a nickel, and a dime, and say: "Nigel, which one would you like?"

Nigel would snatch the larger coin, the nickel, and run off. Then all the other boys would laugh at him. How stupid, not to understand that the smaller dime was twice as good!

Mr Wilson was a kindly owner of the corner store. One day, after the other kids had played this trick on Nigel, he found Nigel coming back in to ask quietly and politely for a small 5c lollie. Mr Wilson gave him the treat, and then gently told him, "You know Nigel, the other coin is really worth more,"

Nigel laughed. "I know that", he said. "But if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it."

[OldManZangetsu]

Nigel laughed. "I know that", he said. "But if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it."

[Elegy]

Smart kid.

[Elegy]

Oh, I have another one. It's a pun, actually.

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...

"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."

[OldManZangetsu]

"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."

[sylas]

It was a crowded long haul flight, but the old lady seemed to have been fortunate; seated by the window with an empty place beside her. Then one of the last passengers came down the aisle and squeezed in beside her; a black man.

The old lady immediately rang for the steward.

"This is not right.", she complained. "I'm not accustomed to this. I'd tolerate it for a short flight, but you can't really expect me to set next to this kind of person all the way to Sydney!"

The steward pointed out that the new arrival had a ticket for the seat, and turned to leave.

"Wait", the old lady called after him. "I know it's not usual, but this is a special case. I see there is still a vacant seat up in the first class. Surely it would be no trouble to let me go there. You shouldn't require me to put up with this kind of company. I demand you speak to your captain about this."

Two minutes later the steward returned.

"I've spoken to the captain, and though it is certainly very unusual, he agrees that this is a special case. It would not be at all appropriate for you to have to put up with this kind of person, when we are able to move you to that empty place in first class."

"So sir, the captain sends his compliments and asks that you will please come forward with me..."

[Elegy]

justice

[luv1another]

...The Baptist Church Camping Vacation...

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have it's own 'B.C.?'"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was letterhead on the paper, which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply.

Dear Madam:

The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of giong regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at a time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interst you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and intrduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.