Jokes

[Tanakh Keeper]

Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"

"Abe, I'm into racehorses at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money already."

"How can I get into it, Moishe?"

"Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine of them. I'll let you have it for $150,000." Abe agreed and gave Moishe a check for $150,000. Three days later, Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.

A month later, Abe runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
"Moishe, nu? What's new?"

"Umm, things are well. And with you?"

"Things are great!"

"Abe, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"

"Not at all Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money."

"How is that? It was dead!"

"Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at $5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."

"Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"

Abe shrugs, "so, I gave him back his $5!"

[Tanakh Keeper]

The thunder rumbled and lightning flashed; the Israelites were waiting at the base of Mount Sinai for Moses to return. At last, in the distance, they see him returning bearing two stone tablets. The people hold their breath waiting for Moses to speak.

Moses exclaims to the crowd, “I have spoken with our Lord for 40 days and 40 days. I have bargained, pleaded, and negotiated. I used all of my wisdom and I can announce to you that I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down from 15 commandments to 10. The bad news is that adultery is still in.”

[Johnny MacManky]

Ha! In 1631 an edition of the Bible omitted the word "not" causing Ex 20:14 to read "Thou shalt commit adultery". (Oxford Companion to the Bible.)

[Tanakh Keeper]

This guy once received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't were, to say the least, rude. The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. He was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto his extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour." The guy was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Johnny MacManky]

[Tanakh Keeper]

This fellow going down the road sees a hotel advertising “Joke Tellers convention!” He figures that would be fun, so he stops and goes in. He sees a room filled with people. He hears a person call out “56!” and the room dissolves into laughter. Then a lady says “143!” Again everyone laughs.

This fellow is mystified and asks someone standing near him “What’s going on here?”

The person says “We are all professional joke writers. We like to get together and tell jokes. However, we found that it takes too long to actually recite the joke. So we shout out the catalogued number of the joke, we remember the corresponding joke, and have a good time of it.”

The fellow thinks to himself, I can do that. So he steps forward and shouts out “89!”

The room falls silent.

The fellow turns to the person standing next to him and says “What did I do?”

“You didn’t tell it right.”

The professionals resume calling out numbers. The fellow thinks, maybe I should give it another try. So, he shouts out “24!” This time, everyone starts to laugh. However, one guy keeps on laughing. He is literally rolling on the floor. “What’s going on with this guy?”, the fellow asks.

“He never heard it before.”

[Tanakh Keeper]

An American, a Spaniard, and an Israeli are hunting together on safari. Unfortunately, all of them get captured by cannibals, who start preparing for the feast and getting the cooking pots ready. The chief comes over and tells them that they can each have one last request.

The American says that he’d like to have a steak. So, the cannibals go kill a zebra and serve him a steak.

The Spaniard says that he wants to smoke his cigar. So, the cannibals light it for him and let him smoke it all.

The Israeli says that he wants to be kicked in the butt, as hard as the chief can do it. The chief looks puzzled and says that is a crazy request. However, the Israeli insists. So, the chief winds up and kicks him as hard as he can on the Israeli’s butt. The Israeli then pulls a pistol from underneath his shirt and shoots the chief and a few other cannibals as the rest run away.

The American and the Spaniard are furious. You could have done that in the first place, instead of letting us think that we were about to die.

The Israeli replies that there’s no way that he could have done that because then the UN would have condemned him as being the aggressor.

[Tanakh Keeper]

Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see a big sign posted that says: - ‘CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $100.’ Abe stops walking and stares at the sign. Shlomo turns to him and says, “Abe, what are you looking at?”

“Shlomo,” replies Abe, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Shlomo says, “Convert? Are you crazy?”

Abe thinks for a minute and says, “Shlomo, I’m going to do it.” With that, Abe strides purposely into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Shlomo, “did you get your $100?”

Abe looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think of?”

[Mr Minder]

A Norwegian, a German and Bellman were involved in a contest. They wanted to see how long each one of them could stay inside a pigs' house.

The Norwegian went in first. After ten minutes he stumbled back out, saying: "Eww, how the pigs stink!"

Then the German went inside. After twenty minutes he staggered back out, saying: "Oh my, how the pigs stink!"

Then Bellman went inside. Ten minutes went, and Bellman did not come out. Twenty minutes went, and Bellman did not come out. An hour went, and Bellman still did not come out.

The Norwegian and the German began, naturally, to wonder what was going on in there. Then, suddenly, the pigs ran outside their house and screamed: "Oh, pew, how Bellman stinks!"

[Jedidiah]

Who is this Bellman? Television again?

[Mr Minder]

What?! Television?! No your ignorant, Bellman is one of the most famous fictional folks in fair Sweden-land!

[Tanakh Keeper]

This man went to see his rabbi. “Rabbi, rabbi. You must help me. I am completely distraught. My only son, the light of my life, has decided to convert to Christianity. I gave him a good Jewish education, we followed the traditions and he has lots of Jewish friends. Why rabbi, why does he want to convert?”

The rabbi says, “Funny that you should come to me. This happened to me some years back. My son, to whom I gave an excellent education in Judaism told me that he wanted to convert to Christianity. I too was distraught. I prayed to G-d for an answer. I asked ‘Why G-d, why is my son converting to Christianity?’, and G-d responded to my prayers. G-d said “Funny that you should come to Me…”

[Johnny MacManky]

that's one of my favourite religious jokes... erm, I mean parables..

[Mr Minder]

What do you say when an important person from the Far East rings you on the telephone?

"Oh, it's the Chinese Call!"

[Tanakh Keeper]

I received this a while back in an email, but it’s still funny.

Differences between Men and Women.
• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have only two - everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A man is a person who will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
• Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn't.
• There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Men are like animals, but they make great pets.
• Most men fantasize in having a relationship with many beautiful women at the same time. For a man, commitment to a woman means giving up his fantasy. Most women fantasize in having a relationship with one man who can provide economic security. For a woman, commitment to a man means achieving her fantasy. Conclusion: commitment means that a woman achieves her fantasy, while a man gives his up.