Jokes

[Mr Minder]

Oohh... I'm not that into marriage jokes, though, since I find marriage to be such a blessed commitment.

[Tanakh Keeper]

I can't take another limitation. Not being able to post any jokes related to sex or body parts is already crimping my repertoire.

[Tanakh Keeper]

Morris, the art dealer, is walking down the street one day and sees a mangy cat lapping up milk from a saucer. Something about the saucer catches his eye and he moves closer. He realizes that the saucer is a rare artifact and is worth a lot of money. Morris goes into the store and asks the owner "Is that your cat outside?

"Yeah" says the owner.

"I'd like to buy that cat from you" says Morris.

"The cat is not for sale" says the owner.

Morris cries out "Please sell me that cat. I know it looks a little mangy, but I have a thing for cats. I'll buy that cat for $300".

The owner replies "If it means that much to you, then I'll accept your offer".

"Thanks", says Morris. "Obviously, I'll take the saucer, as the cat is so attached to it."

The owner replies "No way! That's my lucky saucer. So far, I've sold 28 cats from that saucer!"

[Mr Minder]

Oh. Wait, don't listen to me, I thought it was funny; I hope you won't take my comment to you so personally.
Consider "blessed commitment": that's what I think about families too...

[Tanakh Keeper]

This American guy goes to Paris on a business trip. While he’s there, he meets a beautiful French woman. He doesn’t know a word of French and she doesn’t know a word of English, but they still manage to hit it off. They have a nice dinner together followed by some dancing. Afterwards as they are sitting and sharing a drink, the woman leans toward the man and jerks her head, winks, and smiles. The man was confused and shrugged his shoulders. The woman gets a napkin and draws a picture of a bed on it.

“And to this day”, says the man to his friends “I have no idea how she knew that I was in the furniture business.”

[Tanakh Keeper]

During most of his adult life, Morris had blinding headaches. Over time, the headaches grew more and more stronger. He had seen many doctors, but none seemed able to help him. One day he hears of a new specialist and goes to see him. The doctor tells him that his headaches are the result of a rare condition, where his testicles have ingrown and are pushing against the base of Morris's spine. The doctor says that the only effective treatment is to remove his testicles. Morris is frantic over that option, but he decides that his life is agony with his persistent headaches. So, he proceeds with the operation.

After the operation, Morris feels like a new man. His head is clear and he feels euphoric. He walks around his town rejoicing that condition is finally cured. He decides that since he is a new man, that he will splurge on a new wardrobe. He goes into a fancy men's clothier and asks for tailored clothes. The salesman says "Sir, I'm an expert on clothes. I don't even need to measure you to size you up. I'd say that your hat size is 14."

"That's exactly right" says Morris.

"And your shirt size is 36 sleeve length and 18 collar."

"Right again" says Morris.

"Hmmm...your pants are 38 inseam and 40 waist"

"That's right"

"Your shoes are size 10 and your underwear is size 18".

"You got the shoes right, but you missed on the underwear. I wear size 14. I've been wearing the same size underwear since college".

"Ridiculous", says the salesman. "You can't wear size 14 underwear. If you do, it would press your testicles against the base of your spine and cause blinding headaches."

[Tanakh Keeper]

Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed. Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." His mother agrees.

The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

[Tanakh Keeper]

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to G-d, saying, "Please G-d, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! G-d gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to G-d, saying, "Please G-d, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! G-d gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to G-d saying, "Please G-d, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! G-d turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

[Tanakh Keeper]

More marriage one-liners

- Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

- “I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.”

- “I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.”

- Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

- The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

- In the beginning, G-d created earth and rested. Then G-d created man and rested. Then G-d created woman. Since then, neither G-d nor man has rested.

- Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.

- A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping in at a mall and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."

- Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

- Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: "Not just in Africa, son. That happens in every country.

- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

- First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

- Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

- If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

- Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

[Tanakh Keeper]

Moishe goes up to a beautiful woman he sees in the mall and says to her, “I’ve lost my wife in here and I would be very happy if you could find some time to talk to me for a few minutes.”

She asks, “Why on earth do you want me to do that?”

Moishe replies, “Because every time I talk to a gorgeous woman, my wife always appears out of nowhere.”

[Tanakh Keeper]

Q: How does a blind man parachuting know that he is close to the ground?







A: The leash goes slack.

[Tanakh Keeper]

A plain looking man and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the man says. So the furrier goes into the storeroom and comes out with an absolutely stunning full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes over to the man and discreetly whispers in his ear, "Ah, sir, that particular fur coat goes for $20,000."

"No problem!", says the man as he pulls out his checkbook and writes a check.

"Very good, sir," says the furrier. "Today is Friday, you may come by on Tuesday to pick it up after the check has cleared." Then the man and the woman leave. On Tuesday, the man returns to the shop, on his own. The furrier is outraged to see him.

"How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your bank account."

"I just had to come by," grinned the man, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life."

[Tanakh Keeper]

Back in the old country in a small village, the rabbi died. There was the traditional mourning. The townspeople wondered about the late rabbi's wife. Who would take care of her? So the matchmaker got to work and arranged a marriage with the local butcher. Soon after the wedding, the butcher approached his new wife and said "This is Erev Shabbat. My father always said that Erev Shabbat is the perfect time to make love." So they did. After evening services, the butcher said "My uncle always said that making love after Friday night services is the best." So they did. The next day, the butcher said "My Grandmother always said that making love during Sabbath day is always the best." So they did.

Later that evening, the new bride goes out to shop in the market. While there, she meets one of her friends. "Nu, so how is your new husband", the friend asks. The bride replies "Well, a scholar he's not. But he has a wonderful family."

[Tanakh Keeper]

It's nearly four o’clock in the morning and Sadie wakes up to see her husband pacing up and down the bedroom floor. "Moishe, come back to bed, it’s not yet morning" she tells him.

Moishe replies, "I can’t go to sleep. You know the $20,000 I borrowed from our next door neighbour, Bernie. Well, it’s due to be repaid tomorrow and I don't have the money. I just don't know what I'm going to do."

So Sadie gets out of bed and opens the bedroom window. "Bernie!," she shouts at the top of her voice, "Bernie!, Bernie!"

Finally a very tired looking Bernie opens his window and shouts back, "You’re crazy, Sadie. Don’t you know it’s nearly 4 o’clock in the morning? What the heck do you want?"

Sadie shouts back, "Bernie, you know the $20,000 my husband owes you? Well, he doesn't have it."

Then she slams the window shut, turns to Moishe and says, "Now you can come back to bed and let Bernie pace the floor."

[Celtic moon]

knock knock

who's there


armageddon

armaggeddon who?

armageddon out of here