5-Word Story Compilation Thread

[The Melody Maker]

In this thread, I'm going to periodically post compilations that I've made of long stretches of the 5-Word Story thread.

The story so far, encompassing posts #1-140...


The dark and stormy knight sailed in on white breakers. Feeling the call of nature, Fred sat down to think and he said to himself, "What? Where's the fire truck?"

Suddenly, distant sirens are heard as firemen extinguish the bacon. "Dang, that's the third time this week I lost my fireproof trousers. Maybe Dino can dig up some more."

As Fred stood to call "Therefore," US Americans, such as Wilma, can be very proud of the dryer lint, so she cleaned out her bellybutton and ate a French fry because she had no bacon.

Meanwhile, Captain Airy said to the parrot on his shoulder, "Where are me leg, boyo?" Just then, the Rubbles came with Bamm-Bamm carrying his parents all the way to the car wash.

After a shower, they rode home on Dino, leaving Fred the Dark Knight to fight crime with Dynomutt who had abandoned Blue Falcon over licensing issues and was borrowing equipment from Inspector Gadget and Inch High Private Eye to remove dye from pies, which is why Dick Dastardly fainted and fell into the latrine and probably what Fred intended all along.

But, then a strong wind came along causing everyone to move upwind of Pigpen who came to get Snoopy's ball from Fred while the stormy knight offered free pony rides on his elephant.

Next door, the gardener was busily planting seeds of doubt among the neighbors about that dark and stormy knight.

Meanwhile, Penelope was tied to a huge mountain of debt thanks to Dudley Do-Right who pranced off into the sunset in the stormy knight's tutu because Nell and Horse had no reason to suspect that DVD collection of Mad Men could be used as a doorstop in Tennessee Tuxedo's house beside the one legged lamp that absconded with the five o'clock shadow of a doubt straight into the dawning of the age of Aquarius, which arrived immediately after the dusk causing the angry mermaids to pluck off all their scales and give them to Libra so he could use them for making weighty decisions concerning the Blue Falcon's latest book on barbecuing snail shells in vinegar.

Meanwhile, in the lair of the Pussy Willow dragon flea, a horrific itching has commenced for which RogueTech would recommend bacon grease be liberally applied all over the storm window using a brisk circular motion. "You scoundrel!" shouted Captain Airy.

Meanwhile, down on the farm, Old McDonald still can't spell which is why we are doomed to forever repeat burps that can be heard all over the TV Land prairie, including all the little houses that Shaggy and Scooby had painted in psychodelic colors with peppermint, tapioca, sardine [and] jalapeno pizza, then sat back to admire their artwork, which they promptly ate, then got into the Scoobymobile, which everyone else called the Mystery Machine which Fred had souped up with some Campbell's, hated by Scots everywhere, but used by meddling kids everywhere.

At that moment the old bucket belonging to Daffy Duck kicked itself in the head, which is odd since buckets only use their hands when someone calls them a buckethead and they go into Jackie Chan mode, striking anything that even attempts to tip them or the cows they were hiding under.

But, wait! What's the dark and stormy knight doing back on the beach? The descaled mermaids probably know. But they aren't snitching on him or Baney and Betty Boop. Along the way, though, Fred decided that he needed to hide his toes in the world of too many words which makes absolutely no sense!

Waking from the weird dream, Shaggy looked at Scooby and poked him in the belly and giggled, "Grits and bacon," then thought, Hold the grits. "I'm tired of bacon!" he said in patently obvious jest -- whereupon an entire plate of dark chocolate with almonds appeared but got trampled by Fred's elephant.

The pony rides were better, thanks to Bugs Bunny who volunteered Porky to replace the incandescent bulbs with CFLs. "That's... that's... that's... wrong," said Bob the Builder, laughing heartily.

But Bob didn't see Bugs take a left turn at Milwaukee because the old turnpike used to be in Albequerque. But, there was a harepin to compile the first post.

[The Melody Maker]

Continuing on with posts #141-259...


"Never!" shouted Captain Airy's parrot!

"Always!" shouted his peg leg.

So, being sneaky, Wiley Coyote decided to run for political office, promising a roadrunner in every pot.

"Yeah, right," said George. "Dino smoked all my pot. And nobody can catch a elephant in a butterfly net with catfish for bait."

But, coyotes are faster than roadrunners so the elephant will likely lose to the Road Runner just like Marcel always does. Whenever they bet on tiddlywinks, they lose all the winks which is as good as a maple leaf drifting lazily down during a category five hurricane on the west coast of Kukamunga.

Meanwhile, the Rescue Rangers zipped over to Monterrey's largest nuthouse, disappointing Chip and Dale when they didn't bring back the dark and stormy knight. They would have but Goofy accidentally knocked Skipper into a large vat of chocolate and then yelled "Fire!"

Suddenly, his brother asked him, "Why would you give Bam-Bam a colander to sift out Skipper after I used it for Garfield's litter box strainer which makes a lousy lasagna pan?"

However, what happened next dwarfed the neighboring Frost Giant's expectations in a rather teensy, weensy yellow polka-dot bikini. Fred traded his unicycle for a new carpet (with) which Wilma could begin her new plan for world domination, which she would need knitting needles for since Mossy "borrowed" her pin.

(But) mossy said, "I did not!"

But everyone else loudly shouted, "That's right, mossy! As always!"

High-divers in the desert nibbled on sandwiches and desert which was a bit sandy, because Sandy cut her finger while she was knitting a scarf with pins rather than needles and needed that wool from the Meloi Khryseoi as they fell off the tree and hit Newton on the head causing Leibniz to laugh and pontificate the philosophy that Newton was a big poopiehead, and golden sheep and/or apples aren't exactly a good diet as detoxicating in painful.

Meanwhile, the dark and stormy knight carried a candle to his peddle-powered speedboat so quickly the candle went out. So, he lit a blowtorch and scared his noble Friesen into pooping on his elephant who screeched and ran away. This caused the horse to gather his mane and gallantly cook up some crispy bacon, which was consumed faster than that Friesen can gallop away from a cello playing weasel.

Finished playing weasel, the cello decided to get a new mulberry bush. Around that time, Conrad ate an entire bowl of porridge from the table, wishing it was nine days old and not too hot, filled with light green mold.

Carry on with the story now that the knight had sold, because the wimpy Sliver Surfer bought roller skates for the buffalo herd visit while whistling, "Can too rollerskate in here!" whereupon he tripped over an itsy bitsy polka-dot bikini, causing Wonder Woman to grab Fred's club which was laying underneath the aforementioned bikini.

Batman found the secret entrance to the He-Man Women Haters Club, which was weird because She-Ra was yelling like Tarzan and bothering Archie Goodwin, which was strange since he wasn't there, which was why the case never got solved after all.

Therefore, the Rainbow Fish was waiting at the bus stop sharing some gal's umbrella. The bus left, she stayed, love caused them to give each other love. Meanwhile, back on Planet Kebob, men were beginning to wonder what umbrellas had to do with dark chocolate and love at a bus stop.

Meanwhile, back at the circus, the elephants greeted their long-lost trainer, who always fed them dark chocolate, bacon and umbrellas.

[The Melody Maker]

Carrying on with posts #260-397...


"How fair, thou yonder horse!" shouted the strange little man with the umbrella and the cat litter stored together in his matchbox ambulance and clown car combo, that the Matron Sisters traded for a shoebox full of IRS receipts from Donald Trump along with with hair styling tips that Fred had bought when he still had hair.

While all this was happening, Marcia and Jan went to the windmill bazaar to shoot some groovy chicks for Greg, named Breezy and Windy, who shared a brain, if any. Both were a couple of airheads but not dumb enough to tilt at the windmills although they tilted the pinball machines, which made the silver ball crash right through the plexiglass hamster cage releasing all of Hamtaro's buddies, who scrambled, screaming "Banzai Buckaroo!" as they crossed the Eighth Dimension.

But, suddenly the Matron Sisters snatched their wimple off and shook their gilded rulers at all the little Katzenjammer truants who were sledding downhill in mid-August in Canada. But, south of the North Pole where Rudoloph the Red knows rain, dear, along with his new friend Frosty the Snowman's wife, (nicknamed) Freezy, a volcano erupted! Running for the backdoor, Fred hollered to Shaggy and Scooby to grab the dark chocolate and bacon which they had already eaten when Crystal, Frosty's wife, was baking ice cubes in the dishwasher.

The elephant wanted to wear Silver Surfer's roller skates right through the buffalo herd. Proving that a recurring theme is only funny until someone but Crystal, Frosty's sweetheart, said "Where is the bacon and chocolate," which was not very funny meanwhile, down on the farm Old McDonald told Young McDonald, "Learn how to spell 'cow,' dag-nabbit, or else Deputy Dawg will have one and that silly wabbit who's hiding in the briar patch will get all tarred out, which is silly, considering that Trix are overrated and icky to eat!"

About this time Dynomutt returned for baby goats which prefer crosspost and disparaging Trix to wander the mountains of Colorado, the lair of the dreaded Stony Grassman of Weeds, the teetotaler who once said, "Life is like... uh, what?"

Meanwhile, Fred decided to be more stormy, because women like Aqua Velva men and Wilma had a stormy nature herself, why Fred loved her so, aside from their mutual passion for dinosaur racing, which is pretty rare these days because of the decline of jockeys due to their eating losing dinosaurs -- or dinosaurs eating them, maybe.

At this point Charlie Chan was as inscrutable as ever, until Number Two Son brought the elephant back into the Jacuzzi while Pixie and Dixie went to the car wash for a bubble brush to alleviate the bubble shortage in the Jacuzzi. But they forgot the ultra-extra-strength new-and-improved better-than-before scientifically-proven-and-Mother-approved RogueTech(TM) Deluxe Bubble Bath -- and industrial solvent, which makes absolutely no bubbles at all; just one enormous bubble that floated into the sixth dimension -- one more than intended.

But it didn't matter to the elephant when the mice arrived because he was already out of his mind wanting peanuts.

Meanwhile, on the flip side, Pixie and Dixie returned and the Bedrock Drive-In was packed with terrified elephants and mammoths dancing on the head of a bowling pin made out of Feta cheese which was quite mixed with elephant toe jam, because Rogue dared CP to prod some bovines with a tuning fork, which Toro the living lawnmower uses to recalibrate his microwave cellular set of electric bongo drums that Scooby-Doo gave Velma on her birthday because Shaggy was too shy.

Meanwhile, at WKRP, there was plenty of pachyderm pandemonium pertaining to Les' ill-fated attempt to remove his bow tie and his Band-Aid until Johnny get his fever down and Jennifer got it back up until the Big Guy got Venus in a flytrap.

Then, Dynomutt lifted his leg, watering with his new watering can the fire-breathing snapdragonflies that Venus flytrap had hoped to grow on the dark side, but were instead growing in liquid sunshine and moonbeams which had disastrous effects on immature, genetically challenged, belted frogs wearing knee socks and sandals.

[The Melody Maker]

Posts #398-553...


Raising her umbrella skyward, Jackie said, "Sun is bad for bushbabies! Didn't you know that?!"

"Yes!" said Mandarin the delicious orange. "But the elephant forgot!"

Luckily, Pepperidge Farms remembers and reminded Mandarin that horses should only speak when spoken to regardless of how Strong Bad impotently stomped his little foot and angrily brayed in protest.

"Shall we hunt poachers?" queried Egghead on a scrambled frequency. "Let's find bacon and chocolate and party like it's 1999 until tomorrow. Then we might be hung over until next week."

Amidst watching animations of cows, Clara had a brilliant revelation. So she got a glass menagerie of mechanized happiness that managed a miniature motorcycle.

Meanwhile, Melody sang in harmony with Marcie who mixed muffin batter instead of making gingerbread men for Christmas. In the background, Cynthia went to visit Tess Trueheart and Gravel Gertie via flying car.

"Horrors!" cried the Moon Maids in unison.

"Zoinks!" shrieked the porridge maiden, as Scooby-Doo and Dyno-Mutt were sneaking contrary to Smeagol's wishes. "Sneaking?!"

As the Dark Lord ate Oreos and drank cold milk, Saint Nicholas rolled over in his footed pajamas because he got poked by Rudolf's cold ruthless moneygrubbing foul smelling greedy Aunt Mabel, whose nose was longer than Pinocchio's left foot.

Running to the rescue, Ivan stopped to smooch with Tess but his hesitation cost dearly. Aunt Mabel didn't care, though, allowing Scooby-Do and Dyno-Mutt to race through Marcie's kitchen unhindered hence successfully carting off all Cynthia's teal hair bows.

Suddenly a giant lava wave approached! Frankie grabbed his asbestos surf board and made a mad dash that made Dash really mad, but someone shouted "Surf's up!" But the ocean was a sea of lava so it frightened Miss Muffet away. Spiders of the "Lavalantua" variety can do that to a person.

In other news, Indiana Jones drank some Jones Soda and prompty threw up, gagging and drinking from Minnesota Fats' pool table. Digesting it was hard.

Marcie was quite offended by how Shaggy and Scooby-Doo refused to wear kitchen hats in lieu of dining on bacon bits in the Ninth Circle K convenience store north of the kitchen.

Once in stock, lock and barrel the cactus until you can make jelly. But jelly don't jam so well in the radar, thus rock and roll was invented to destroy the souls of the soulless stones and bread which had no souls anyway -- which brings us to realize that the Kaiser was on a roll.

Sandwiches being a past thing, the wicked vizier lopped off all their heads with his vorpal butter knife, which he then used to butter his vorpal. However, the vorpal was sliced to fine quality, as no sound was made when the tree fell right where the bear pooped.

Meanwhile, Velma lost her glasses in the aforementioned lava wave, confounding Hitler's plot to bomb the beach where the knight who said "Ni!" made lava which no one really needed.

Because the lava lamp industry was suffering, Alex invented a disco mirror ball for pet dogs to entertain themselves with as Fred and Barney drank Fred's latest soda pop "invention" with reduced burpicity and increased iridescent flatulence (they fart rainbows) -- which is why... um... never mind.

In other news, Betty Boop and Ally-Oop decided to get their hair braided, so they called the Catbus for a trip to the justice of the Unicorns concert down at city hall. There Betty became wrestler of the year after drinking the Incredible Hulk's protein shake when suddenly Barney burst in and said, "Wrong Betty."

"Wrong about what?!" she replied. Barney pulled out a list. Meanwhile, Dino, having eaten chili, turned on Netflix to chill said chili. The chilly chili from Chile and Chili's Restaurant, that is.

But -- an epiphany! "Pineapples aren't apples or pine," retorted Charlie Brown as he listened to Schroeder play Brahms on the xylophone his aunt played in the Russian army with Pavlov's dog who rang the Salvation Army kettle bell the day of Schoeder's birth.

Suddenly a wild Chrawnus appeared, his blue hair flowing in the wind of winter around his left armpit which was sprouting orange colored hair and smelling oddly of lightly toasted Lekkerbrot.

"Needs butter!" he cried, but got cream cheese instead and immediately launched into a diatribe on why Papa Smurf held his breath until he passed out and Gumby painted him mint green and yellow, causing severe depression amongst the shrinks.

Having shrunken Gumby, they decided to enlarge Pokey who thought it was hokey and stuck his left hoof out the window to check if the ground was still salted caramel and dark chocolate, until someone wiped their nose with some poison ivy leaves. Then Betty Boop married Ally-Oop.

[The Melody Maker]

Carrying merrily along with #554-731...

[The Melody Maker]

I've been neglecting this for a while, and it took me all morning to put together, but here be posts #732-1080...

[The Melody Maker]

Continuing the lunacy with posts #1081-1457...

[The Melody Maker]

The insanity ensues with posts #1458-1899!

[The Melody Maker]

Yet more craziness with posts #1900-2648!Ardaggio on a Ukelele accompanied by nose flutes and world-famous kazoo soprano Antonio Banderas along with his all girl electric oboe orchestra with Neon Genesis Evangelion-styled wardrobe plus tiger-striped kazoos which were played by leopard skin wearing seals who juggled geese while riding on six white horses while horsing around the mulberry bush above the Bush's shrubbery sought by Rubber Shrubber Scrubber Brothers Inc.

Personable personal personnel personage's personailty persuades suede shade braiders to sway away the day and pray they're here to stay. The gnu knew new news unglues blue shrew shoes through the sound of moos. Sick freaks chuckle knowingly when the dreaded undead thread is revived by using potent thread necromancy.

"Begone, foul and unnatural revenant!" cried Gandalf, brandishing the light sabre wondering why it's not switching on, then finding that a mile long extension cord had been chewed through by Chewbacca's nephew Chewbackatya, known for his impressive dental gymnastic feats including balancing five chainsaws on his 426 Hemi-powered unicycle with a pitchfork in his teeth holding a sumo wrestler's mawashi daintily, sprinkled with crushed Carolina Reaper -- which explains the look on the hippo's face as he hyped his herculean hypnotic handshake.

"Hark! Hungry hordes hurry hither!" harped Harold Hardrada, holding Helsinki Hannah's huge hairy hound Hellen hostage.

"Help, he's hurting her!" hollered Henry Higgins, hurriedly hanging hastily wasted paste at face recognition sensors, releasing the Kraken From Outer Space that comes but once a year, on Intergalactic Pancake Day, celebrated throughout the Pancake Galaxy since the Titan attacked the wall of Jericho, but while in Toledo everything seemed calm, until Jaltus divided by zero and the unicorn navy swept up from their magical fortress deep within the dreaded Undefined Chasm where they encountered a vicious killer rabbit near Caerbannog with a death scythe owned by Hugh U. Ewe the Huge Hued Manatee, hewing human hubris he humbly helped hundreds have.

Revolted yet fascinated, Prospero couldn't open the jar of galactic space worms that chewed on Chewbacca's chewing tobacco that turned them into enormous spine-chilling jellied-filled killer donuts who say "Ni" simply because they can. Girding his loins, and lining his girdle, Bad Vlad Putin broke into a rousing rendition of Van Halen's "Jump" while playing air mandolin and his galactic fans leaped toward him on steam-powered pogo sticks, juggling depleted uranium chainsaws with pink polka-dots and poison dripping from their pointiest protrusions.

"Party on," moderators moderately moderating moderations proclaimed over the clamour of clam clique's clicking chilly chili castanets dancing down the daring deserted desert streets sans dessert and desperately dehydrated. Dick Dastardly decided to take two titanic torpedoes to trash the Turbo Terrific into a thousand pieces of productive produce purportedly prolifically produced per Paragraph One of Ordinance Six.

You have to carry ads for four adze, adding additional adder-based additives to taste for toasted tasteless Taoists tickling ten tense tenderloin tenders tenderly taxed tachs tacked to the tachometers of tachyons tackled by teeming Thai teams tying tense tennis shoes twice, to taunt terrified tarantulas trying to tell twenty bars of Amway soap to rather lather another brother with interpretation into Arachno-American Sign Language.

Triggering Bill to build billets billing Sybil "Duck-billed" Vanderbilt's Bilateral bailing, bawling bald bailiff's bailey, "Below the belt!" bellyached Belinda aloud as she allowed Art Blart to park his cart by the Art Part Mart resulting in the world's biggest consignment of permitted Romulan ale in the ailing isle's aisles causing multiple smiles for miles for Miles Forman's forty-fourth foreward to Forewarned Forewards Ford WatersNautilusroguetech

[The Melody Maker]

Still continuing the insanity with posts #2649-3410...roguetech quality control officer, hence the burned-off eyebrows and artificial skin grafts, peg leg and eyepatch.

"Hey, I think he's Sparko!" said Pinky, guarding his rum with a toy poodle named Mr. McFluffins, scourge of the field mice in the meadow of Shadow (and Ludo dojos, where the Foot clan were afraid to stand on Legos unless they're in high heels) in which case metal grilles are their nemeses.

Ramses cackled, as Derrick's derelict dirigible failed to avoid crashing into the dangling participials left unintentionally unattended by the Grammar Nazi Luftwaffe Generaloberst Waldo Stroopwafel, known for guillotining grunters of garbled gerunds for making deliberate illiterate alliterations and literally littering linguistics with Limburger and linguine landmarks which stunk like a skunk.

Hunky punk "Uncle" Duncan McGunk clunked junked trunk on his bunk banking on the clanking tankards masking the stealthy approach of the tap-dancing elephant herd for Hellen Keller's birthday party aboard the S.S. Minnow as the Purple People Eaters invaded Pepperland with the Blue Meanies, Green Grouches, White Whiners, Mauve Four-Headed Bulldogs and Storm Bloopers who tripped over their own sentence fragments and misplaced commas headfirst into an angry crowd with a thick German accent: "Vatch your schtepp you dumkopf!"

This caused studdles to strut proudly from the rafters to the foundation footings and through a can-do attitude, and plenty of moxie and Pepsi, stayed awake all night playing Spin the Bottle with the friendly facehuggers from planet X-4036G and not those clingy face-huggers from planet X-4036F, who just loathe their kin from A6-454 for being too soft and publicity hounds seeking fame and fortune for their comedic talents of imitating jack-in-the-boxes and yodeling through recently ventilated chest cavities with toothy grins and giggles that could charm an eldritch witch into watching which of her car's scritches of itches amused the mewling mobs of malodorous meercats meandering more morosely over Melody's marvelous music.

Mellowly, Mossrose made musical maps, meaning very verbose violinists vindictively vied for first fiddle fame and the timpani tuners tediously tried to fiddle with the fiddle of Styx.

Melody groaned. But unfortuantely, the run-on sentences continued unabated, and without a hint of Charon at the three crossings of the Delaware (they forgot the tippy canoe at Tippecanoe and got their sandwiches wet), Melody groaned further.

"Alas! She turned me into a newt!" Sparko paused. "I got better," before slithering off into the fire swamp gift shop run by rodents of unusual sartorial tastes: a black eyepatch which was soaked by Thirsty the Possum in his personal stash of rum substitute (otherwise old lao boot wetter '99 and favourite "flavor enhancer" of highly questionable ingredients and preparation H - ghost pepper edition, causing "pucker factor" to take on a new depth of meaning making it a WMD without roguetech's patented Pirate Pant Protector and deluxe fly fishing reel of caesium thread for those casting through holes in ice for extra warmth and explosions not an unforseen consequence of the "It's so Fluffy!" movement which started in the "Summer of Liking Someone Enough to Not Steal Their Coat" which came too late for the launching of Major Tom who was floating in his ethersphere waiting for the phlogiston from Captain Janeway's skull-throne, where she met the Heterodyne she got on sale from Wal-Mart, 50 for only $10 which was half off the usual price of your firstborn yak's first haircut at "Chainsaw Clip 'N' Curl" which is a subsidiary of roguetech although far too focused on safety, like the wimps they are.

In order to regain respect, they gargled razor blades while juggling radioactive porpupines and riding turtles all the way down the giant mine train from Hogwarts.

All of this commotion gave Cthulu a headache, and that lead to the evacuation of the velociraptor pen in from the nursery school's basement into the piranha petting zoo which proved fortuitous when the 86th OSHA inspector got eaten by the 87th OSHA inspector who was, in actuality, a T-rex in a squirrel suit, which was a tight fit -- but he pulled it off, thanks to his chiseled abs which were made with real chisels.

His stomach turning, the result of smelling tofu nearby, Ivan fainted. Still standing, Tess wondered why she'd been forgotten in the race to the combination septic truck taco stand and pet wash emporium owned by Sparkco as a tax dodge that the IRS wouldn't acknowledge. Her inattention cost her a coupon for a free surgery at her mother's hands.

Unexpectantly, Fred and Daphne dropped the Scooby snack that Shaggy had bronzed causing it to weigh more than fifty of Saturn's moon, pulling them all into a conga line led by the sombrero wearing socialite J. Edgar Hoover, who arrested the puppet Lambchop for unlawful cuteness which Sherri was forced to admit was more than he could handle while driving N Cryin's tour bus past roguetech's latest theme park and rabid animal petting zoo while the cages were upgraded to balsa wood from tissue paper while the resident safety officer was busy escorting the few, the proud, the brave, the maimed for life and the roguetech clients that mutated into interdimensional AI paint which covered Sparko's pirate ship (The Guppy) which roguetech hacked into and replaced most of the crew of the starship Voyager with squirrels in "human suits" drastically improving crew performance.

Suspicious, Hans Solo abandoned the Nostromo

[The Melody Maker]

I've fallen behind with the compilation posts for well over a year, so I've got my work cut out for me attempting to catch up. That said, I'm going to split up everything new into more than one post and put them up as I have time.

This time around, here's the contents of posts #3411-3618 including the longest lament in history over a toilet paper outage.


That he left the oven-baked artillery shells on roast in the double-barreled broiler and freezer was a travesty. Fragments of fractals were used to frag Fraggle School of Rock which Fred Flintstone found flagrantly lacking in barbecued brontosaurus ribs, cactus juice and Fruity Pebbles -- so upsetting Bam-Bam that he changed his name to Boom-Boom and began using a Roguetech-designed thermonuclear club that evolved from a frozen canteloupe stored in a secure shoebox stashed in Roguetech's Special Chemicals Locker, otherwise known as the Girl's Sock Drawer and Reptile Hatchery stashed deep down in the xenomorph hive's broom closet on a Yautja Prime blood-pig farm run by Shelob's twin sister Ungoliant, wielder of the pastries of Melkor's Mount Doom Bakery and Muffler Shop.


Suddenly a Nazgul dropped his sun screen when a bikini-clad Baba Yaga escorted by Imhotep's faithful servant Onibaba, the Demon Hag, after the Medusa's optometrist lost a Cyclops' reading glasses when she was playing poker with a fireplace. Trogdor was mighty pleased. The burninated villagers less so.


"Alas! Poor Trogdor!" cried Yorrick. "I knew him newly made of vibranium thread toilet paper with eyes wide shut because they saw what cannot be unseen without having roguetech eye bleach injected into your brain stem."


"That's what mind bleach is for," said Rogue, dunking another delightful glazed donut into the mercury from the missing thermometer that MelMak had mistaken for the T-1000 nursery and funhouse (putting the fun into funerals and the laughter into slaughter).


Fred and Daphne especially enjoyed Niles' consternation over the short ingredient list of muffin bottoms while Frasier rolled his eyes when Eddie buried Norm's stool softener pills.


"Alas!" he cried. "Someone stole the toilet paper and we'll have to remortgage Hillary's 'Scooby van' for salsa and hot sauce to replace nitroglycerin-loaded suppositories dispensed by rocket-assisted trebuchet (far more user-friendly than spleen-fueled catapults, whip-powered ballista nose hair clippers or horse-drawn and quartered paint-by-numbers whirligigs and swirling figs for curing pigs forcing the Green Lantern Corps to talk to their therapists, the brain-devouring Illithids vacationing on a raft on Tidbury Creek where the Balrogs danced merrily, singing a death metal lullaby accompanied by vuvuzela-playing banshees to add some delicate artistry to the intergalactic pie-eating contest that sparked civil war (that was anything but civil) among the Smurf overlords of New Snork City, Snorkland Province, Connecticut (right next to Podunk Hollow, famous for their rocket-propelled chainsaw rickshaw taxis and snipe-flavored chow mein with curry-enhanced leaf blowers to generate sufficient wind velocity to wind-up Wendy's clockwork squirrel launcher, to enable the hover dog air corp."


To liberate Krasnovia from Pinelandian despots determinedly disposing deposited descendants, Daily Dairy Doily Diary dowries essential expecting early extra effort for foxy ferrets to further gather garnets for gruff goats hauling huge heavy hemp harnesses into ignoble igloos intermittently irrigated with jerrycans of juicy jelly.


Klondike Kat's Kentucky kin's kerfluffle lost Lucy "Lightning" Lane loads mangling my marmalade motown mixer now nefarious newsmen never need obvious obscure obits on Orville preferring to preach pretentious piffle instead.


While grating a lemon, Lemony Snicket graded Sourpuss' surplus sarsparilla station stash as smashingly simple steam-driven synchronized scroll saws sent Steven Strange skywards, somersaulting through Tropospheric turbulence toward twin terrifying towering tornadoes teetering to-and-fro under undulating depleted uranium umbrellas the double-dealing Dick Dastardly denied, dusting down with dental detergent underneath umbrage unbalanced urchins unknowingly vehementing vexing viscious Venusian voles which wound up worrying Wendy who wearily wrapped wanton Willie Wonka Wurlitzer Wagon Wheels with xenophobic Xiaolin Xavier's Xanaduvian xylophone's X-rated Yellowstone Yak yarn yearbook.


Yodeling "Yikes!" Yolanda Youngblood yearned zealously, for zero zebra-zoned zambonis were all actively and anxiously attended by Bavarian barbarians bearing Rhababerbarbarabarbarbarenbartbarbierbier with their rhubarb. Snoopy sighed, slinking sullenly southwards since Samwise refused to share his potatoes, and Gollum's reaction to lembas and hummus with a cup of vegmite ice cream was summarily upended when the delegation of tea leaves got steamed.


The dark and stormy knight threw yet another tantrum after Penelope Pitstop snubbed his proposal to open an Arby's in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota where Ethel the Aardvark goes quantity equation economics while pricing Q-Tips at two strips of latinum-plated gold (redeemable for two holosuite bookings) per metric tonne.


Using her head, Valanice solved Doofenshmirtz's First and Last Theorem the first and last time he opened a portal to the Twilight Zone's Outer Limits. But unwittingly, Valanice lost her way shortly after leaving Kolyma to persue a career in adventure game design, along with applied military poetry and dance along with underwater basket weaving.


Prideful perverts perishing painfully proceed to alliterate themselves to death mercilessly, mainly on the plain in Spain in the rain with Shane "Insane Gains" Crane, bane of Jane Lane's train crane.


"Lame, Shane. Arcane Chains," exclaimed Blaine, blaming famed gamester Wayne "Campaign" Defontaine for detaining the pain of power outages. "Outrageous wages for salacious sages and mages aged in cages with enraged pages engaged in staged gauges to upstage Paige Greengage's Sage Bacteriophage Rage Page!" causing MelMak's head to explode.


"Categorically catalog the catastrophic catastrophies of cantering antelopes with canteloupes," caterwauled antagonistic anteaters anticipating antipasti antes in pantry poker games. "Poking games is forbidden," scolded Pokey Pokestein for obvious reasons.


Anchovy-infested pizza rolls are multiplying thanks to pineapples on pizza attracting man-eating anchovy swarms that caused the Lancastrian Singing Ringing Tree to rethink its existential philosophy and take up miming instead.


This outraged MIME (the Minstry of Mediocre Elephants), whose inferiority complexes were deemed too simple by Simple Simon's pieman the Pied Orthodonist and Gastrointestinal Psychoanalyst, who, oblivious to obvious observations, obfuscates e-mail addresses as useless to overly odious overtures of ontological visitors vexing vacationing Venusian vermin vying very viciously for verified vivacious vixens vaulting vaunting voles via vibranium velocipedes veering vastly away from MelMak's useless e-mail.


"Install a honeypot!" he cried to Honey Potts, the Russian honeypot from the Hun Knee Plot to corner the round market in hypoallergenic angling equipment.


"Keep on Truckin'," he archaically intoned, as did the great philosopher Jerry Garcia while tripping on psychedelic venom from the Hypnotoad that Frye thought was a fruit smoothie that Leela had mixed up in the Bender-style blender that sent her on a mystical journey through a long tutorial of Blender.


Still more to come!

[The Melody Maker]

Posts #3619-3770...

They then went to Narnia. Mr. Tumnus didn't appreciate the smoothies since they contained bits of talking ants that had become antithetical to Aunt Teefa's Antifungal Antifreeze and antidote to the Antarctican antagonist, Anthony Antacid, antler alterer to the stars. Suddenly scores of samurai swarmed the shimmering shawarma showroom, swinging into George of the Jungle.


"Watch out for that tree!" Shaggy warned Scooby, before he fell off the cliff into the perilous Pits of Perfidy piled with plush pillows of purple parakeet plumage pitilessly plucked prior to parboiling potential primadonnas predictably practicing prancing past poodles pilfering pearlescent parodies of Precious Pup's priceless, precocious sniggering snicker snack symphony, synchronizing sullen strings stolen by that copycat Muttley after gorging himself on inflatable Dick Dastardly decoy dirigibles designed to infiltrate the deepest, darkest chocolate made -- no -- even imagined.


The virtual machine disagreed, crashing headlong into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Memory Chip. The resulting cookies caught Cookie Monster's ravenous attention causing Mr. Rogers to blindside him with a slice of Humble Pie's "Stone Cold Fever" on the electric bagpipes and skateboard-powered mandolins backpacked in by ambidextrous pygmy elephant impersonators from Brobdingnagian stowaways aboard the Spindrift Spanish Inquisition that no one expected.


With comfy chairs cozier than William "Cuddles" McCosy, President of "Cuddle McCosy's Curious Comfy Chair Consortium" commenced in commercial commerce of Queenie's quintessential quixotic questions querying questionably quixotic quorum quotas to quintessentially quarrelsome quadricentennial quartermasters who quickly quashed Quebecois Quiche quail quesadilla quarantined since February for exposure to Xenomorph Banjo strumming secretaries secretly secreted so subtly that Superman's super senses obviating obvious observations obfuscating oblivion perceived a painfully perplexing paucity of marshmallows in Lucky Charms and marshy shallows on Kentucky Blue Grass during the Derby Day Ostentatious Oriental Ocelot Parade prepared by primpling pregnant poodles. "Prepare the purple pippette popper!"


Mount Cardassia's peak glistened. Dazzled, their eyes tangled together in an ocular wrestling match that blinded the participants to the ludicrosity of the narrator's description -- causing Uncle Jed and Granny to discombobulate Rogue's pet T-Rex, Elvis, enraged over mandatory push-ups, really got his teeth into the cement pond's rubber ducky -- and Bert and Ernie vowed vigorously, via venal villains, to motivate their answers. "Go, answers!"


Coaxing coquettish commas to cheer their conquering compatriot colon's colonoscopy carefully conducted by coke-crazed Coelacenths caused catastrophic containment collapse of caterwauling coconuts who constantly complain about Manuel's manual on manual manipulation near Janeway's throne of skulls, most of which came from copious clones of Harry Kim through successful subspace spatial scission of said subordinate's suffering synapses jamming Janeway's Jersey Shore signal to the relief of all the catgirls held hostage by Tuvix on Cardassia who were unharmed due to R2D2's voodoo which witty witches from Wichita watched on pay-per-view crystal ball casts the coven constantly coveted due to dubiously diligent dodo directors deviously delaying devote devotees doing detestable dances.


Data liked Denobulan lullabies over Vogon poetry since their rhymes didn't always make suicide rates to skyrocket to become mass extinction events.


Fortunately, the Swinetrek's crew sacrificed themselves to provide endless crispy bacon to Bene Gesserit Reverend Mothers, a subsidiary of Roguetech Daycare and Cheap Labor Rental Service, who were hired to officiate the Quidditch and Roller Derby events of the Arcane Pentathlon and Chili Cook-off sponsored by BLZ Bubba and Associates, specialists in infernal redneck deviled ham concoctions.


Saruman was disqualified for fielding Hobbit pastry puffs without actual taters in them, causing Samwise and Samdumb (the "Tater Tots") to sing a rousing chorus of "One Potato, Two Potato" in almost two-part harmony.


Frodo, flirting with Bellatrix Lestrange, caused an international incident with Latveria after the Thor Corps mistook Dr. von Doom's castle courtyard for a Marriot Courtyard in which their nemesis was partying at like it was 1999 and spilled coffee all over Moonbase Alpha's Superman action figures shorting out the hidden microphone in Gomez Addams' moustache when he danced a passionate flamenco accompanied by the Pevensie siblings which Reepicheep mistook for a bag of Cheetos after imbibing too much mead.


"En guard!" cried Puss in Boots, raising a frozen asparagus instead of a light saber he borrowed to cook the bacon before Mickey Mouse gave it all to Cow Poke because he was donating it to Charity Churchmouse.


"Eww, bacon!" she cried, when Miss Piggy and Babe's spaceship crash-landed into the Death Star orbiting Arrakis while picking up hitchhikers carrying guide books and towels and a line of Vogon conga dancers wearing Godzilla-themed underwear while reciting their favorite zingers from Harry Potter movie outtakes, accidentally summoning a patronus shaped like Patron Silver Tequila bottles, luring Rogue from his favorite pastime of heckling mossy.

More coming yet; will take a while.

[The Melody Maker]

Posts #3771-4000...


Then an explosion came from the underside of bacon vault PKS 2014-55 after Sparko discovered it emptied and licked clean by NSA agent "Harold the Herald" when he thought no one was looking since everyone else was searching through for a horse with no name, but after nine days he still didn't know where Hotel California could be since he left his map in Babylon 5's stolen holodeck that Bester used to train tribbles to form conga lines that would around the block of cheese that Flash Gordon left for the giant rodents that Westley and Buttercup fought Vizzini for in a rhyming game that involved copious amounts of rum and bacon which naturally pair together like fine Finnish fingers finished finding financial fins flapping flippantly for forty theives known as Day Winkers.


As they gyrated surreptitiously towards Thieves' World's Sanctuary, Shadowspawn lost his shadowboxing bout with Peewee Herman who kept yelling "I meant to do that," while sticking his tongue out to get pierced by a hail of cocktail sticks that were hidden under the garbage left from Han Solo's bachelor party held high in the Nightosphere where the sick freaks were frying floppy bacon and ignoring the deliciosity of crispiness which, since the war, has just not been the same.


As Jed often pointed out, when Elly May's critters snatched his flock of prototype spiderpigs by the cement pond and dragged them down into the Hobbit Hole, that Carrot Ironfoundersson had tried to reconstruct it out of scraps from the USS Palomino after its "mostly peaceful" jaunt along the Klingon-Wookie border to pick up some doughnuts from that little Dalek bakery in Betelgeuse's lovely Latin Quarter known for its Romulan Ale smugglers and hula hoop assassins working for Tleilaxian Face Dancers and morale saboteurs.


Taking up knitting after World War Z, Heinz Doofenshmirtz developed the Knitinator fueled with Mordorian Scooby Snacks inscribed with beautiful calligraphy: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."


One laid her eggs there until Samwise Gamgee made omelets and fried up some crispy pre-war bacon, attracting hordes of Hungry, Hungry Hippos banned by the Geneva Convention for their uttering "The Delporable Word" in Esperanto instead of Klingon, losing the parcheesi tournament to mice dressed as squirrels, who ruled the third branching on Yggdrasil with an iron twig.


Rebelling against Ratatoskr, Rama granted Mikew his dire bear form again after issuing a dire warning to never dye his hair orange, especially neon orange which to the Ferengi means that you're clumsy with sacred paint-by-numbers kits that Spider-Man personally autographed when he stole Goku's senzu beans so triggering World War 3.11, 32-bit which melted the dual-quad-hyperthreaded-overclocked-water-cooled-gold-contact-superconductive-flatulated-processor, causing a brownout across the tri-state run triangle overseen by Renfield's Natural Gas and Feed Store, open 24/7 except at night with FREE BEER tomorrow, and YESTERDAY but never TODAY or ANY day ending in "day."


Causing Danger Mouse to abandon all hope, he turned to intense curling matches that could curl the lip of a marble cake loving vampiric Lost Boy with type 2 diabetes and space herpes from ice, pirating Dilithium crystals available only at Starvin' Marvin's Five and Dime Barber Shop and Oil Change, roguetech's labs and bait shop's most brilliant idea executed flawflessly.


The dark knight, Stormy Daniels, showed up once again soliciting, or being solicited, for teeth-whitening commercials, to be sold to various other predators indicted for their run-on sentences that never seemed to end going on and on forever until the end of the "Infinity and Beyond" Neverland Tour which, oddly, has a sequel called The NeverEnding Story starring Keith Richards and Betty White, while making the Kessel Run look like a turtle race.


In other news, Flash Gordon interrupted Ming the Merciless' wedding to Penelope Pitstop's nephew's niece and stopped.


Beating up strangers is bad PR, but Great Danes began channel surfing but drowned when an unexpected Cartoon Network Toonami combined with an avalanche of apple pies, Syfy Channel's Zombie Tidal Wave and the typical seasonal sharknado seasoning.


Henceforth, Hans Forth IV hands four thorium ham forks to Handy Force's Fourth Formation For Formidable Forititude (and snack packs) for Thurston Thursday III The Thirstiest Thimble Thrower in thirty miles from Thurgood's Thermos Thaumaturgy Thrift Store and thoracic thermometers.


This in turn triggered the startup of the thermonuclear barbecue lighter, developed by roguetech, to grill whole herds of tasty meat on the hoof while simultaneously charring some wonderful Texas sage.


Brush and grasslands are the worst possible asymptotic analogous analysis, annually annulled in Andalusian articulated awning audits after Bugs Bunny swindled Captain Nemo out of his favorite gummy bear sculpture "Ooey Gooey Godzilla Meets Molasses Mothra's Mother."


Confused, Mr. T pitied the fool who didn't drink milk straight from the bottle/container but instead used a paper straw which then got soggy after the bottle was half empty, leaving the bacon to get crispy, but not as much as Biden's E.O.s have burned America, hopefully fueling an uprising in the hairs on his legs which he was shaving because they were getting in the intake manifolds causing uneven pyrolysis, resulting in a catastrophic fouling of the experimental supercharger disrupting integrated phased voltage-controlled-attenuator arrays and overheating the coffee by insisting on "shaken, not stirred" because the blender was, unfortunately, being used for nefarious purposes involving frogs spinning at high altitudes and low velocity resulting in extreme dizziness and incredibly painful re-entry impacts resulting in "toadly" bogus frogskins, which the IRS only found out later that Hollywood executives had been using Munchkin hobnailed wooden shoes for door stops, preventing the closing their mouths when they should.


But "Silence is Golden," sayeth the gold-laying goose, which the IRS taxed at silver dollar pancake rates. This caused a spike in eggnog spiking with the rum tum turn of the Christmas drum by RumTumTugger, annoying the Little Drummer Boy who stuck his thumb and it got bit off by the Cheshire Cat, mistaking it for a hot dog.


Note I didn't say "weiner," because THAT could be construed as conservatively constructing consequential conspiracy theories to divert attention from the giant booger forming in space as Frank Zappa blew his nose on the Star Fleet Charter and started a war with the Blue Meanies and Oompa Loompas backed up by previously undefeated Hobbit All Blacks rugby team whose kicking tactics thoroughly confused the Nazgul goalie playing for Barad-dur Buccaneers C team.


When Scooby-Doo and Dynomutt suddenly switched positions and broke through the Vulcan ambassador's icy demeanor by baking chocolate chip cookies in scores of Easy-Bake Ovens with upgraded wattage causing the Eastern Seaboard to experience blackouts, 9 months later it resulted in a spike in crib sales and diaper futures grew exponentially.


After the news got out that pinstripes were in again, yellow polka dot bikini manufacturers realized the agonizing sorry they felt after breaking itsy bitsy spiders climbing up water spouts.




Still more to come yet when I get to it.

[The Melody Maker]

Posts #4001-4244...


Naturally, Charlotte was devastated becoming a boy named Sue, who married a girl named Fred, and lived confusedly ever after somewhere over the rainbow near Angband.


It was a very dark and stormy night, with hail hailing the knight's nightly arrival of his rival to spar with rubber baby buggy bumpers in lumpy jumpers with sumptious gravy soaked mashed potato fillings in Smaug's teeth.


His dentist, Jeremy Hillary Boob, Ph. D., told him to eat more greens -- so he added food coloring and lots of Skittles to his moldy PBJ sandwiches and threw them out after smelling fresh hot bacon sizzling on the frying pan rogue uses to conk people on the noggin after they mention the Pin™ since it summons it to smite mightily the enemies of the Ancient of Afternoons, which number less than one million spammers and other advertisers laser focused on redirecting people.


Chinese data miners and tofu, neither of which are fit to tie the shoelaces of ballerinas with tiny feet which dance on tight ropes over troubled waters, when tears are hard to come by, since the drought of 1899 when men had to stop showering, Sparko still uses it as an excuse to remain unbathed, unwashed and generally filthy enough to house 1200 pigs in straw, sticks and brick outhouses right next to Wal-Mart as an emergency bacon source for homeless urchins and other people he pretends to be helping become the next Madonna so he can secretly film the Viking Vixens at Vic Van Vonnegut's Victorian Vineyard vilifying whatever witnesses were watching what x-rays of xylophone-playing xenopus' xysts yielding yesterday's yearnings yonder, yet MelMak wailed "no more run-ons!"


And the entire narrative instantly shifted into ludicrous speed and vanished into the cold night -- when Felix the Cat pulled yet another trick out of the bag you're left holding when my brudder runs out of Scooby Snacks meant for the children assembling in the school cafeteria to listen to the principal announce that now school's out forever.


The kids had to henceforth use Zoom, with which they soon grew accustomed to playing video games to the point that they had muscular thumbs and spindly necks.


Soon they organized to defeat the main boss in Stock Market, Phineas Fogg VII who never expected the Spanish Inquisition nor the Butlerian Jihad replacing the Steward Supremacy Syndicate's seasonal filings for bankruptcy jamborees and Concession Repossession Profression Depression Sessions held in Wal-Mart parking lots next to the "free dog" pens (but no paper or pencils).


To prevent grammar Nazis from korecting speeling misteaks yoo maid inn yore harry too bee edumakated, sum kornurs wur kut.


Distressed beyond measure, and grabbing at straws to snort antidepressants to offset the current round of edicts by the HOA for Moonbase Alpha's duplexes and the maximum permitted regolith depth for Tecciztecatl's zen rock gardens that the rock biter kept using as a swimming pool for his pet racing snail, he named Speedy S-car Go after the famous Polish inventor Grzegorz Speedski, famous for creating pre-blessed frozen microwave dinners for pressure cookers which famously or infamously get used for tofu disseminating devices, which ought to be banned under the Geneva Convention's rules concerning weapons of mass distastefulness, along with another abomination, turkey bacon.


Naturally raised hogs provide the very besterest taste, in contrast to those fed on the works of fallen angels and other inhabitants of Portland.


Suitably enraged, Oregonians and Mainers argued which of them was least mainstream resulting in the Hipster v. Oregano Spice Girls Tuba Hoedown and Jamboree.


After the dust was vacuumed by Mr. Monk, while wearing a HAZMAT suit he identified the murderer from among a murder of crows by the way he held said dust buster, busting felonious dust devils back to the Dustin, Oklahoma's busy bus station where buzzards buzz busts of busty debutants made of unobtainium that were wired to explode in a well-ordered manner to spell out "Unity" and distribute ice cream equally among all the court reporters present to partake in the First Frozen Food Festival for French Toast Jambalaya Jamboree at the Jamaican Jungle Jumble Sale, otherwise known as Monday.


The Pirates of Baconopolis, the most feared buccaneers (or is that baconeers?) on the gravy seas of Seasoning (a.k.a the Delicious Deep), plundered the Crabstickean Islands of Hy-Brasil seeking the Colossal Shrimp Cocktail of Doom, prepared by insane chef-bartenders intent on wreaking havoc on AOC's self-esteem by declaring Angela Merkle is cuter and can mix a better Highball than any barista/Congressperson could.


Determined to prove them wrong, Pelosi drank them as fast as her new teeth allowed and Botox permitted movement. Alas, she was outperformed by Vladmir Putin who could swallow "wodka" like it's free and clear of any hidden costs.


Unfortunately for him, it cost several dachas he brazenly stole from Bernie Sanders during his "mittens" episode last month at millions of locations simultaneously by leaving hammer and sickle lollipops at places he had never even dreamed of visiting before.


Biden mistakenly signed executive orders mandating wedgies for anyone spotted wearing a red cap and hoodie and aviator shades, causing The Flash to do a double-take cap to rethink his disguises, causing even the Wet Bandits to reconsider their life choices and consider underwater basket weaving for catching all the wild snipes necessary for the MacGuffin to phlebotinize the unobtanium into phlebotomized strands of pure Chroniton spaghetti, which goes best with dilithium-enhanced spicy meatballs and a soylent green ranch dressing.


Hungrily, the Hungarian Hippos leapt forth to monopolize the watermelon stockpile Darkwing Duck had stashed in the Thunderquack's internal bay for future generations to ponder when they mind-melded with the Vulcans, causing Spock to observe calmly that it's time to PAAAAAAARTY!!!!


This caused McCoy to seriously consider getting R2D2 to administer daily lessons on the necessity of keeping the flow of melange/spice going while intergalactic warheads closed the Perkins deal, profiting all except the hedge funds, who invested in shrubberies, banking on selling them short as bonzai to the Knights Who Say Ni in exchange for coconut halves on their knees needing needles to doodle poodles with noodles grown on Swiss spaghetti trees.


A favourite of Piltdown Man, as well as uptown girls whose musical ambitions were scuppered, the MinnowThat's enough work on that today; will work on the last just under 50 pages' worth another day (when I get my energy back).

[The Melody Maker]

Posts #4245-4432...


"Curses!" cried Cyrano. "Foiled again! I knew something smelled fishy trying to tuna piano."


Naturally, the man in the iron N95 respirator mask worried that it did nothing for his ventriloquism act, so he changed to alligator juggling, which only served to incense Wally Gator who called in an air of mystery to befuddle all the watchers out of their watches, which the watches were keeping track of with assiduity.


Although foretold in prophecy nobody bothered to read it, since it was too long, being over 3 pages, which is FAR too close to the centerfold photo of an A-10 warthog displaying a remarkable spread of flares, projectiles, missiles, and cannon fire that shocked and awed all who were expecting a floral muumuu designed by Jerry Garcia to go with the shrubberies the Knights Who Say Ni had commissioned from the Ever After cemetary and golf course whose hole-in-one deals are a dead giveaway that only a brainless zombie would be dying to take advantage of such an earthy investment.


Getting into the spirit, Igor rang the bells to summon the Tatooine Sarlacc to dinner for the next thousand-year celebration of getting gas from Chipotles bathrooms to fill fart guns, violating the Great Convention's unwritten rule against ridiculously overpowered weapons, putting a crimp into roguetech's primary research area and revenue stream that isn't bacon related or involves horrific genetic modification or swapping the big toes on velociraptors with those of squirrels, an experiment roguetech quickly halted due to too many volunteers getting simultaneously scheduled for experiments, provoking many duels to the pain, provoking Buttercup to call for Westley to talk them about Picard's My Little Pony obession.


"It is Plato's Republic all over again," Snoopy thought, after another dark and stormy absconding with Captain America's shield to help him with his school project involving vibranium-infused antiquated dishware for dining in the officer's club with Horatio Hornblower, well known by Hamlet for being between believable Mr. Bean Mini Changing Rooms, Inc. and Red Green's handy duct tape launchers for wrapping those awkward moments when the kids burst out of the box you made using chicken wire rather than the recommended adamantium blend bailing wire favored by Aquaman for keeping out those pesky Gungan conga lines from dissolving into square dancing or even line dancing doing the Watusi in a grass skirt and itching powder-laced hula hoops to encourage the fleas to abandon 10,000 camels to infest Sparko's left armpit to combat the lice's self-declared autonomous zone.


"Which makes my head itch!" grumbled Popeye, after Princess Leia used a lightsaber to light the spinach-filled blunt meant for scratching that itch in his discombobulated psyche resulting from Zeus' "enhancement" of his spinach crop which Huey, Dewey and Louie thought tasted great until everyone saw MIB's Worms.


Reminding him of Aunt Louise, the pet shoggoth Mr. Fluffkins, who won the blue ribbon at the most adorable reality-defying abomination contest short of toddlers getting tiaras to tout tickets to the SUNDAY MAIN EVENT next Thursday.


When Thursday came, the crowds stayed six feet apart because of a global deodorant shortage occuring shortly after Sparko heard that it could be used to reduce his odiferous presence and catch more bacon without alerting the neighborhood he's nearby 'cause he still owes Guido fifteen hundred dubloons for the tuna Charlie was delivering to the fishmongers throwing fish at Asterix's wedding to Cleopatra where Tintin punched Dr. Jekyll for interrupting his slow dance with Minnie Mouse while Mickey was getting a drink that Inspector Clouseau concocted back when Cato was ambushing him from armoires rarely linked to Narnia but that on occasion have.


Chestnuts roast over an open sewer from the magical land of Id where Sir Rodney Digglesworth McChing! makes his millions in the no holds barred greased pig relay in which OBP took home the bacon after CP only locked it in a poke with a set of 20,000 different padlocks opened by Houdini with only a pack of cards and a bag of chips with a gallon of ranch dressing and duct tape.


"Duct tape?" asked MacGyver. "How uncreative. I'd use paperclips and a used stick of gum to bypass the popsicle stick-based security system around the velociraptor pen where holograms dance brilliantly on the side of the cliff, drawing gawkers from far and near, men, women, children of all the foreign leaders who arrived expecting a riveting display of thumb-wrestling and ear wax sculpture, culminating in the highly suspect inclusion of a Borg queen to inspect the ears of Ferengi Quadrotriticale-like corn sold for a suspiciously low price of three farthings and a lock of hair from bald Medusa while whistling Dixie through a garden hose attached to a septic truck that had just come from Rogue's Party Supplies causing concerned looks among the NSA and penguin uber eats driver, since they had just come from there."


As the pink elephants arrived, they deposited their treasures into ponderous packets of pachyderm poop precariously piled on old oak pickle barrels now full of side products of a process of elimination which reduced secondary radiation to only mutagenic levels only affecting female platpuses named Wilhelmina, which was of course was just Fred in disguise to nab some brontosaurus steaks from Barney. But not Barney Rubble, since Bam-Bam would then go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs on Fred's new car, leaving it in rubble.


Fortunately, at that very instant, the whistle blew on the Chattanooga Choo Choo which carried the Chinese flu through Timbuctoo to Room 222 from which it flew to and over the cuckoo nest for True Blue Katmandu Stew in a can.


And that concludes Chapter 1. Chapter 2 begins with the next post (and page, I see).