Tell all your best jokes here! Clean jokes please!

[Prometheus]

How do you drown a blond in a pool?
Put a scratch n' Sniff stiker on the bottom.
OR
Put a mirror on the bottom

How do you sink a submerine full of blonds?
Knock on the door.

If your a blond, don't feel offended.

How do you confuse a blond?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.

How do you kill a blond?
Give her a gun and tell her it's a hair dryer.

There are five people on a plane, The pilot, the president, the first lady, an old man, and a little kid. There are four parachutes on the plane, and (go figure) THERE GOIN' DOWN!!!!
The pilot says,"I'm a pilot, I worked hard for this job, so I get a parachute." and he jumped out.
The president said,"I'm the president of the United States! I need a parachute!" and jumped out.
The first lady said," I'm his wife! Toodles!" and jumped out. Finally, the old man turned to the kid and said, " you can have the last parachute, kid. I'm old and gonna die soon anyway." Then the kid said," thats all right, you can take it." "what?" said the old geezer "why?"
The kid said," the first lady took my backpack."

Okay, same five people on a plane, and no, there not goin down.
The pilot says,"I threw a dollar out the window, I made one person happy!"
The President says," I threw two dollars out the window, I made two people happy!"
The first lady says," I just threw three dollars out the window! Now three people are happy!"
The old man says,"I threw four dollars out the window. Now four people are happy."
The kid picks up the president and throws him out the window."I threw the president out the window! I made the whole world happy!"

A blond, a red head, and a brunet find a genie in the woods. He said he would grant them all one wish. The brunet wished for a million dollars. The red head wished for a cool car, and then the blond said," I wish I was smart." The genie replied," I don't think I have that kind of power."

The same characters are trapped on an island. The mainland is only a 100 foot swim through the water. The red hed swam in the water 20 feet and drowned. The brunet swam 50 feet and got eaten by sharks. The Blond swam 99 feet, got tired, and swam back.

Note that, yes, I can barely spell and can barely type well. Burnet? Brunet? How do you spell it???

Okay! Gimmie some Jokes people.

[Lucy]

heh, I really gotta start looking at names! I got all the wat to the bottom, saw the sig, and was like "Who the heck is reading Anthem? I need to talk to this person!" And then I realize it's you...Thanks for getting my hopes up

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, and she does it standing still because the world revolves around her.

How many Actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's it's motivation?

How many audience members does it take?
4--one to actually do it, one person to cough, one baby to cry, and one person to say "Look, Harry, he's changing the lightbulb!"

How do you get an actor off your porch?
Pay 'em for the pizza.

What do you get when you turn an electrician into a carpenter?
A bad carpenter.

Now what do you get when you turn a carpenter into an electrician?
A dead carpenter.

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

[Prometheus]

Congress!!

A blond and a red head jump off a cliff. Who hits the ground first?
The red head. The blond would have to stop halfway down and ask for directions!

What do you call a blond with half a brain?
Gifted.

How many blonds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
100. 1 to hold the bulb and 99 to turn the house.

A blond, a red head, and a burnet are in a post office. The snuck behind to the back and don't want to be cought. A mail-person came walking by so they all hid. The blond jumped into a potato bag, the red head into a cat bag, and the burnet into a dog bag. As the mail-person walked by the bags, the red head said," Meow Meow" and the Burnet said,"Woof Woof."
Then, as the mail-person walked by the potato bag, the blond said,"Potato Potato."

That's all.

[SteveF]

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the landlord; "I can't find my parents." Landlord says; "What do they look like".

Tee hee.

[themuzicman]

A blonde and a brunette are watching the 11 o'clock news. Just before the commercial, they tease a story about a guy threatening to jump from a bridge. During the commercial, the brunette says, "$20 says he jumps". The blonde says, "deal"

They come back from commercial, and sure enough, the guy jumps. The blonde hands over the $20.

"Keep it" the brunette says, "I saw it happen on the 6 o'clock news."

"No, it's yours" the blonde says, "I saw it, too, but I didn't think he'd be dumb enough to jump again."

--------------------------------------------

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits next to a lawyer for a long flight.

THe lawyer says, "let's play a game. I'll ask you a question, if you can't answer me, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50, OK?"

The blonde is reluctant, saying that she's tired, but finally agrees.

THe lawyer asks, "What's the square root of 256."

The blonde pulls out $5 and hands it to him.

The blonde then asks, "What runs uphill on four legs, but downhill on three?"

The lawyer thinks and ponders, uses the airplane phone to call friends to ask, but after an hour can't come up with an answer.

"Here's the $50."

The blonde turns over a pillow to go to sleep.

"Well, can you tell me the answer to your question?"

The blonde pulls out $5 and hands it to him.

[casaba]

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the bartender gives her one.

[Prometheus]

A blond, a burnet, and a red head are standing on a magic cliff. When you jump off it, you get whatever you wish for. The red head jumps off and wishes to be a bird. The burnet jumps off and wishes for gold, and then the blond tripped and fell of the edge and shouted,"CRAP!"

[Prometheus]

A blond, a burnet, and a redhead are trapped on an island. They find a genie. The brunete says," I wish I was home." and is whisked back home. The redhead says," I wanna go home too." and has her wish granted. The blond says," Gee, I wish my friends were here."

P.s. SteveF, i don't get the joke. Please explain?

[Lucy]

P.s. SteveF, i don't get the joke. Please explain?

The bartender asked the PENGUIN what his parents look like. Guess what? They probably look just like the penguin b/c...well...penguins pretty much look alike. (it's a good thing you're going into robotics and not biology, eh? )

Ok, I've resisted as long as I can. Time to break out the theatre jokes!

The Theatre Pecking Order!

Producer:
Leaps Tall Buildings In A Single Bound
Is More Powerful Than A Locomotive
Is Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
Walks On Water
Gives Policy To God

Director:
Leaps Short Buildings In A Single Bound
Is More Powerful Than A Switch Engine
Is Just As Fast As A Speeding Bullet
Walks On Water If The Sea Is Calm
Talks With God

Playwright:
Leaps Short Buildings With A Running Start
Is Almost As Powerful As A Switch Engine
Is Faster Than A Speeding BB
Swims Well
Is Occasionally Addressed By God

Actor:
Makes High Marks On The Wall When Trying To Leap Buildings
Is Run Over By Locomotives
Can Sometimes Handle A Gun Without Inflicting Self-Injury
Dog Paddles
Talks To Animals

Technicians:
Runs Into Buildings
Recognizes Locomotives Two Out Of Three Times
Is Not Issued Ammunition
Can Stay Afloat With A Life Preserver
Talks To Walls

Chorus member:
Falls Over Doorsteps When Trying To Enter Buildings
Says, "Look At The Choo-Choo!"
Wets Self With A Water Pistol
Plays In Mud Puddles
Mumbles To Self

Stage Manager:
Lifts Buildings And Walks Under Them
Kicks Locomotives Off The Track
Catches Speeding Bullets In Teeth And Eats Them
Freezes Water With A Single Glance
IS God!


Theatre Terms

In is down, down is front
Out is up, up is back
Off is out, on is in,
And of course,
Right is left, left is right.
A drop shouldn't and a
Block and fall does neither.
A prop doesn't and
A cove has no water.
Tripping is OK.
A running crew rarely gets anywhere.
A purchase line will buy you nothing.
A trap will not catch anything.
A gridiron has nothing to do with football.
Strike is work. (In fact, lots of work)
And a green room, thank God, usually isn't.
Now that you're fully versed in theatrical terms,
Break a leg-but not really!


The inevitable light-bulb jokes:
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Complain to the director at notes.



Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix it!



Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Pull the technical director off of a set installation to deal with it.



Q: How many technical directors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Call the master electrician at home to fix it.



Q: How many master electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps. It's a props problem.



Q: How many props masters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp?



Q: How many theatre critics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: All of them - 1 to be highly critical of the design elements, 1 to express contempt for the glow of the lamp, 1 to lambast the interpretation of wattage used, 1 to critique the performance of the bulb itself, 1 to recall superb lightbulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep.



Q: How many theatre students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Erm, what's the deadline, cos I may need an extension.



Q: How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to do it, one child to cry and another to say, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB."



Q: How many interns does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It doesn't matter because you'll have to do it again anyway.



Q: How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 3...no, make that 4...on second thought 3... well, better make it 5 just to be safe.



Q: How many assistant directors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. But he/she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.



Q: How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Why do we need another lightbulb?



Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!!



Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Where's IATSE?



Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It's on my list...It's on my list...



Q: How many IATSE guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, once he puts down the donut and coffee.



Q: How many IATSE guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Twenty-five and a minimum of four hours, you got a @!%#&@ problem with that?



Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: LAMP! It's called a LAMP you idiot!



Q: How many lighting designers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Where's my assistant?



Q: How many technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, if they can find a lamp big enough and figure out how to get inside it.



Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Doesn't the stage manager do that?



Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They can never find their light.



Q: How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE! there isn't enough money in the budget.

The Experiment
A reknowned research institution undertakes to document the spatial-cognitive processes of intellectuals in various professions. They recruit an architect, a surgeon, and a props manager. They construct three isolation booths, completely sealed off from external interactions or stimuli. They place one guy in each booth, and give each one a set of three perfectly-matched steel balls, about three inches in diameter each. They seal the booths and return in one week.

The architect has constructed a geometrically-perfect pyramid with the balls, yielding insights into stress dynamics and materials tension. The surgeon has placed the balls in a formation that hints at the nature of the unexplored regions of the human genome, solving some fundamental questions involving genetics and DNA.

When the props manager's booth is opened, the interior is a shambles and there are no balls to be found. Upon inquiry, the props guy says, "Okay, okay. I admit I DID lose the first ball. But I SWEAR I don't know what happened to the second one, and besides, you only gave me two balls to begin with!"


OK, that's enough for now.

[Prometheus]

No, no, no... the chorus member loses arguments with self.

[Prometheus]

Okay, sing this song to the tune of IRONMAN!

I am stupid man, Nah nah nah nah nah nuh nuh neh neh
I have an IQ, OF negative 32
I took the first grade twice, I'm dumber than head lice
I've seen smarter rocks, I'm outwitted by my socks
I run into walls, I jumped off Niagra falls
I get hit by trains, I don't have any brains
I can't spell my name, I flush money down the drain
I like to eat paste, I think it has a great taste
I eat from the Trash, It tastes just like corn-beef hash!
I AM STUPID MAAAAANNNNNnnnnn

My friends and I wrote that at lunch.