The connection between hurt and anger.

[Rahab]

We find ourselves,at times, confronted by negative communications coming from folks we are close to. Often those occur in the midst of an argument, a dispute or a mutual moment of intense frustrations. Some of us have learned to become emotionaly immune to such "lashing out" episodes. Others still experience hurt which translates as anger.

How and why does being hurt become anger? Is it a way to rebel against words which have affected our sense of well being? Our sense of being cherished by a loved one suddenly being jeopardized by words conveying rejection and condemnation? Does anger provide a temporary safe harbor?

Usualy, we all invest different degrees of trust into our close relationships. Whether it be parents, children, spouses, relatives, close friends. Some of us have allowed themselves to be open books, transparent and placed no limits to present ourselves as we are. By doing so, though, we made ourselves quite vulnerable. Whomever may be the dominant person in any of those relational contexts may at any time pronounce words which can be emotionaly devastating to us. We feel abused. We feel betrayed as we considered our candor and openness as a gift to them. Anger kicks in to compensate for what we percieve as a misuse of that "gift" of ourselves.

Some believe that only the truth hurts. I disagree with such simplified perception. In many instances, it is because the cherished ones interpret our truths negatively that we react with anger. When they underestimate us. When they invalidate our capacity to do good. When they apply to us the worst intentions. When they have encouraged us to open up to them to later use those confidences and that intimacy as a verbal weapon.

IMO, the predominant trigger to anger as a translation of hurt is then the feeling of having been betrayed.

I am interested in how other folks process those difficult confrontations. I still have a difficult time myself with them even after half a century of life. I still find myself expressing hurt thru anger. My oldest struggle and a definite thorn in my flesh.

[spiritmech]

Possibly. Any time anyone threatens my basic instincts of life (self-esteem, security, personal relations) I can feel hurt.

Anger turns into resentment once I try to hold on to that initial feeling. (I choose to re-feel the re-sentment.)

I'll say more later, but I like the thread.
sm

[Rahab]

Possibly. Any time anyone threatens my basic instincts of life (self-esteem, security, personal relations) I can feel hurt.

Anger turns into resentment once I try to hold on to that initial feeling. (I choose to re-feel the re-sentment.)

I'll say more later, but I like the thread.
sm

Thanks for your reply, SM! You are right... anger will become resentment as we hold on to it.

I guess, the "trick" here is how we can separate hurt from anger and express that hurt without anger. If you agree with the "betrayal" sentiment I described earlier, I suppose we need to even go further and somehow find a way to retain a sense of safety instead of feeling "threatened".

[Soyeong]

I guess, the "trick" here is how we can separate hurt from anger and express that hurt without anger. If you agree with the "betrayal" sentiment I described earlier, I suppose we need to even go further and somehow find a way to retain a sense of safety instead of feeling "threatened".

I don't think hurt can be separated from anger because I think anger is the expression of hurt. There is nothing wrong with being angry; it is how we choose to express our hurt that matters. When we are hurt, we either need to bottle it up, express it, or release it. "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention to throw it at someone else; you are the only one that gets burned." That is a quote from the Buddha, but there is still a lot of truth in it. Holding on to anger only causes you to continue to relive the hurt and become resentful, which then causes your anger to be that much more harmful to everyone when it is eventually expressed.

When we do express anger, it is either so that someone will feel regret for being responsible for our hurt, sympathy to justify our desire for that regret, or empathy to help bear the burden of pain the hurt caused (misery loves company). The main problem with anger is when someone we feel should show regret does not or does not show what we feel is enough. This can cause us to feel that we need to take revenge in order to make them feel the regret that we feel is due them. The problem is that we often exact hurt that they feel was due, so they try to even it out, which only causes it to escalate.

The last option is to just release anger in the form of forgiveness. Forgiveness is accepting the hurt as done and giving up your right to ever express it again. If your spouse keeps digging up past grievances every time you argue, then they never really forgave you for them. Forgiveness is the hardest to do, especially when we feel they don't deserve it, but that is also when it is the easiest to remove the roots of resentment.

[Rahab]

I don't think hurt can be separated from anger because I think anger is the expression of hurt. There is nothing wrong with being angry; it is how we choose to express our hurt that matters. When we are hurt, we either need to bottle it up, express it, or release it. "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention to throw it at someone else; you are the only one that gets burned." That is a quote from the Buddha, but there is still a lot of truth in it. Holding on to anger only causes you to continue to relive the hurt and become resentful, which then causes your anger to be that much more harmful to everyone when it is eventually expressed.

Thanks for your reply, Soyeyong! Excellent quote. Anger does consume as well as distracts emotionaly from what should be most important.

When we do express anger, it is either so that someone will feel regret for being responsible for our hurt, sympathy to justify our desire for that regret, or empathy to help bear the burden of pain the hurt caused (misery loves company). The main problem with anger is when someone we feel should show regret does not or does not show what we feel is enough. This can cause us to feel that we need to take revenge in order to make them feel the regret that we feel is due them. The problem is that we often exact hurt that they feel was due, so they try to even it out, which only causes it to escalate.

Would you say then that it is our responsibility, when we deal with someone's anger, to not be provoked into anger ourselves and respond with empathy to where we acknowledge their feelings of hurt as authentic?

The last option is to just release anger in the form of forgiveness. Forgiveness is accepting the hurt as done and giving up your right to ever express it again. If your spouse keeps digging up past grievances every time you argue, then they never really forgave you for them. Forgiveness is the hardest to do, especially when we feel they don't deserve it, but that is also when it is the easiest to remove the roots of resentment.

And certainly, that acceptance communicated via forgiveness is quite accessible when and if the "offender" communicates regrets or empathy towards our feelings. We are usualy experiencing healing when someone reaches out with an expression of regrets for what they said or did which affected us negatively.

The mental process of forgiveness is what I'd like to comment on for now :
- does looking for excuses or justifications covering the other party's "offense" help?
- should we step out of our own hurt and walk in their shoes for an instant?
- should we refocus on all the positive affirmations we have recieved so far from the other party to diffuse that moment of "disconnection"?(that would address SM's mention of feeling "threatened")

I do not consider forgiveness to be a magic word or an instant decision we take. I regard it as a mental process which IMO we need to explore in details.

[Teallaura]

Anger is the offensive response. Think about it - hurt makes us retreat (the defensive response) - which is what pain is supposed to do (Ouch! Stove hot!). Anger, however, brings up the fight response - and allows us to self-defend. People who suppress or lack the anger response will retreat no matter whether or not it's in their best interest to do so (conversely, those who suppress hurt or have an inappropriate anger response will fight no matter how self-defeating it is).

The two work together - hopefully in harmony with functional brain cells - to allow for either fight or flight. Either alone will produce only one response - it takes both together to give the brain its full range of response options.

[Soyeong]

Would you say then that it is our responsibility, when we deal with someone's anger, to not be provoked into anger ourselves and respond with empathy to where we acknowledge their feelings of hurt as authentic?

I think goal of dealing with someone’s anger is helping them realize that it is better not to be angry and to help them release what is making them angry. Getting them to calm down changes how they are expressing their anger, but if that opportunity to deal with it is not taken, then they are likely to get angry about it again the next time a similar situation happens.

- does looking for excuses or justifications covering the other party's "offense" help?

Often times, people don’t know what is making them so angry about something. Showing sympathy justifies their anger and helps them to process it, plus it creates an emotional link that helps you help them deal with it. Unfortunately, dealing with anger causes them to relive the hurt, so it is rather unpleasant to the point where some people just don’t want to deal with it. This is where empathy can help you carry their burdens as it is easier to go through pain when someone else is right there beside you. However, the goal is still to get them to eventually release their burden since no burden is better than a shared one.

So responding with empathy is good, but things are different if you are part of the cause of that hurt. In that case, they will often lash out at you to make you feel regret for having been responsible for their hurt. Even if it is unpleasant, if it is their hurt you are trying to deal with, then I would say that yes, you do have a responsibility not to allow them to provoke you into an argument. Arguments are just no good for reducing anger - they might blow off steam, but they don’t stop the steam from building up again. Sometimes to win the goal, you need to lose the argument and admit to being wrong. Down the line, removing seeds of resentment and bitterness from a relationship is much more important than who won the silly argument.

- should we step out of our own hurt and walk in their shoes for an instant?

Yes, gaining perspective will help in almost every situation. Often times they don’t even realize what they did was making you angry. Or they may have legitimate reasons for their actions that you didn’t consider.

- should we refocus on all the positive affirmations we have recieved so far from the other party to diffuse that moment of "disconnection"?(that would address SM's mention of feeling "threatened")

If I understand this question correctly, then yes, reminding why you like them can help calm yourself down and think straight.

I do not consider forgiveness to be a magic word or an instant decision we take. I regard it as a mental process which IMO we need to explore in details.

I agree. Forgiveness is something that must both be given and accepted before it happens. The person who did the wrong has to realize they did wrong and want forgiveness and the person who was wronged needs to be willing to forgive. Being willing to do you half can remove the resentment, but it does not bring closure until they do their part.
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With all that said, hurt and anger are not necessarily bad things. If we didn’t feel hurt or pain from breaking an arm, we might continue to use it and cause irreparable damage to it. Hurt let’s us know what is wrong so we can fix it. Anger gives us motivation to fix it. When we are outraged about hearing about school shootings, we are driven to take up necessary precautions to prevent it from happening again. Anger can be powerful when it is focused properly, unfortunately it usually causes us to think irrationally and to become unpredictable, which is why we go through all of that effort to reduce it.

[Soyeong]

Anger is the offensive response. Think about it - hurt makes us retreat (the defensive response) - which is what pain is supposed to do (Ouch! Stove hot!). Anger, however, brings up the fight response - and allows us to self-defend. People who suppress or lack the anger response will retreat no matter whether or not it's in their best interest to do so (conversely, those who suppress hurt or have an inappropriate anger response will fight no matter how self-defeating it is).

The two work together - hopefully in harmony with functional brain cells - to allow for either fight or flight. Either alone will produce only one response - it takes both together to give the brain its full range of response options.

I think anger just motivates us to solve the problem in the quickest way possible. Unfortunately, that usually involves violence. Whether you pick fight or flight how angry you are about the situation doesn’t change until what is causing the hurt is solved. Flight just means you realized you would rather pick a slower solution than deal with the consequences of fight. Both are responses of anger and which option you choose depends on how clearly you can think straight when you are angry.

[Rahab]

I think goal of dealing with someone’s anger is helping them realize that it is better not to be angry and to help them release what is making them angry. Getting them to calm down changes how they are expressing their anger, but if that opportunity to deal with it is not taken, then they are likely to get angry about it again the next time a similar situation happens.

I am very pleased by all your helpful comments and the time and effort you have invested in providing your analysis. It is my hope that those will be helpful to anyone reading your posts.

Often times, people don’t know what is making them so angry about something. Showing sympathy justifies their anger and helps them to process it, plus it creates an emotional link that helps you help them deal with it. Unfortunately, dealing with anger causes them to relive the hurt, so it is rather unpleasant to the point where some people just don’t want to deal with it. This is where empathy can help you carry their burdens as it is easier to go through pain when someone else is right there beside you. However, the goal is still to get them to eventually release their burden since no burden is better than a shared one.

I agree.

So responding with empathy is good, but things are different if you are part of the cause of that hurt. In that case, they will often lash out at you to make you feel regret for having been responsible for their hurt. Even if it is unpleasant, if it is their hurt you are trying to deal with, then I would say that yes, you do have a responsibility not to allow them to provoke you into an argument. Arguments are just no good for reducing anger - they might blow off steam, but they don’t stop the steam from building up again. Sometimes to win the goal, you need to lose the argument and admit to being wrong. Down the line, removing seeds of resentment and bitterness from a relationship is much more important than who won the silly argument.

I guess it is what I meant when I stated that "anger distracts from what is most important". "What" being the relationship. I suppose the more we value such relationship, the more we are willing to compromise in the midst of an argument and come to that point of "admitting to being wrong".(even as we may not be wrong). Possibly, the quality of being a peacemaker comes from valuing relationships over our personal sense of being right.

Yes, gaining perspective will help in almost every situation. Often times they don’t even realize what they did was making you angry. Or they may have legitimate reasons for their actions that you didn’t consider.

IMO, the lack of consideration of their potentialy legitimate reasons may come from us, as recipients from their negative communication, suddenly feeling threatened and not cherished anylonger. The emotion takes over and leaves us void of the rational aspect of introspecting a bit and realizing that their communication was either unintentional or if intentional, was justified.

It takes a great mental effort, IMO, to undertake such consideration. That is where I personaly fail. The old childhood habit of recieving such communication as an intention to hurt me resurges. It is amazing that even after 50 years of existence, I am still somewhat conditionned by the patterns of my dysfunctional childhood.

If I understand this question correctly, then yes, reminding why you like them can help calm yourself down and think straight.

You got it correctly! Moreso, the helpful tool there was to remind ourselves of all the affirmative and positive thoughts, actions they have communicated to us. To diffuse any perception that their communication means to be hurtful or is a symptom of someone not caring about us.

Do you think that the type of communication we were exposed to as children can play an important role in the way we percieve as adults any type of negative communication coming from our loved ones? Let's say if you were raised in a home where negative communication prevailed and was not balanced with positive reinforcement such as "I love you"? Do we not as adults tend to interpret criticisms as meaning " I do not love you"?

I agree. Forgiveness is something that must both be given and accepted before it happens. The person who did the wrong has to realize they did wrong and want forgiveness and the person who was wronged needs to be willing to forgive. Being willing to do you half can remove the resentment, but it does not bring closure until they do their part.

Idealy, such compromise ought to prompt healing. However, there are some situations when the "offender" is not capable of realizing they did wrong. I faced such a situation with my mother. Her mental illness prevented her from discerning right from wrong. In that particular case, I had to learn to forgive for my own emotional sake in order to not be affected anylonger by her words and actions. It was a long process. One challenged one more and last time when she completed suicide. Ultimately, I had to start all over again. I had to place her needs above mine. Had to accept that her need to terminate an existence undermined by constant mental distress was greater than my need to keep her alive and somehow "fix" her lifelong hardship.
--

With all that said, hurt and anger are not necessarily bad things. If we didn’t feel hurt or pain from breaking an arm, we might continue to use it and cause irreparable damage to it. Hurt let’s us know what is wrong so we can fix it. Anger gives us motivation to fix it. When we are outraged about hearing about school shootings, we are driven to take up necessary precautions to prevent it from happening again. Anger can be powerful when it is focused properly, unfortunately it usually causes us to think irrationally and to become unpredictable, which is why we go through all of that effort to reduce it.

And that is precisely what my thread means to explore : how do we reduce it? How do we find the motivation to exploit anger as a propelling and positive rationaly centered element?

[Soyeong]

Do you think that the type of communication we were exposed to as children can play an important role in the way we percieve as adults any type of negative communication coming from our loved ones? Let's say if you were raised in a home where negative communication prevailed and was not balanced with positive reinforcement such as "I love you"? Do we not as adults tend to interpret criticisms as meaning " I do not love you"?

Hello Rahab, I am glad you found my comments helpful. I do agree that we all learn how to communicate differently. Someone who has been told, “I love you” a bunch of times by someone whose actions do not show it, is going interpret it differently from when someone else who means it says it. The same goes a teenager who goes out whenever they want versus one whose parents always grill them for details. When they get married, they might get angry that their spouse doesn’t care where they are going when they go out or that they are always nagging for details.

And that is precisely what my thread means to explore : how do we reduce it?

I’d say you reduce anger is to deal with it by finding the source of what is causing the hurt and either reducing it or preventing it from causing hurt again.

How do we find the motivation to exploit anger as a propelling and positive rationaly centered element?

I think a key to propelling the positive rationally centered element is to be aware enough to realize when you are getting angry so that you are able to stay calm. Calm people can be just as angry as someone who is furious, but they are just not letting their emotions cloud their judgment. I think we were made to get angry, but not made to stay angry. Anger drives us to get rid of what is making us angry, but if we aren’t able to deal with it, then it builds up and eats away at us. So some anger can be a useful tool for motivation, but can become harmful to the person when other people try to abuse or exploit it. That line is crossed when people are kept angry for long enough that their anger turns to hatred. While hatred alows a leader to manipulate people easier to their own agenda, it is harmful to the people.