This is about me, isn't it? Yes, yes it is.
So I'm a bit of a weird guy. I know what the responses to this will probably be: something like, "Welcome to Tweb!" or "Then you're in the right place." Well...not really.
Bottom line: I have never fit in, anywhere in my life. The only exception that I can really put forward to this is my own home right now, with my wife and my kids. Every single other environment I've ever been in I have felt like the odd one out. (Side note: this isn't a "poor me" thread--I'm going to try to make a point with all this.) I feel out of place even here at Tweb, on an anonymous internet forum. Even with my family (brothers and sisters), which I'm relatively quite comfortable with, I'm still the odd one out. It's inevitable. I feel out of place at work, at church, you name it.
Some examples:
1. A guy that I've worked with for years will give me some friendly ribbing, which doesn't really bother me. Something about my reaction, which is always awkward, communicates to him that I'm offended, when in reality I'm not in the least. I just don't communicate that, apparently. On the contrary, sometimes I will think that his joke was kind of dumb and not really worth commenting on. I'm invariably misunderstood.
2. This might sound like it contradicts the above, but it doesn't really. I'm not typically a guy who other people like to joke around with, precisely because of my awkwardness and the misunderstanding I described above. And I can't--and don't--fault them for this, because it has been so ubiquitous in my life that the problem must, frankly, lie with me. It's unfair to everyone I interact with, and unreasonable besides, to conclude that the problem is somehow with all of them.
3. I may ask a question on some topic. Somebody will take a superficial interpretation of this question and answer it accordingly, thus making me look like an idiot who just hasn't thought it through very well. In reality, I've actually thought through the question deeper than they might have, and (apparently) didn't phrase my question in such a way to make that clear. When this happens, I'll just give up and let them think that my question was simply stupid and I'm an idiot, because attempting to convince them otherwise is pointless. Also, and this is a real motivation for me, I've never liked pointing out flaws in other people. I would rather somebody else think I'm dumb than point out to them that my question was actually a lot more sophisticated than they assumed. Not sure why--something about pointing out that sort of thing just doesn't sit well with me. (Side note: I'm also not trying to say that I'm some misunderstood genius, or some such pretentious garbage.)
Consequently, I feel like any time I interact with people, it serves only as encouragement not to do it again, because I'm so incredibly bad at it and people just don't get me at all. Nor I them.
Basically, I've always been super awkward and socially inept, but my recent attempts to rectify this and get better at socializing feel like utter failures. It has never gotten easier for me, and shows no signs of improving. Sometimes I'm amazed that I managed to get married, given how hard of a person I am to get to know.
So there's no doubt that the fault for all this lies with me. With my personality, specifically. And as far as I can tell from my attempts, there's nothing I can do to change it. Am I doomed to be a person with few real friends, a guy who's easy for everyone to ignore because I'm just too hard to interact with otherwise? Does the above make sense? I don't want to make this sound like I'm having some sort of personal crisis, because I'm not. So don't worry about me. But for some reason these thoughts have been on my mind a bit lately, and I kind of wanted to put them out there and see what people think.
So I'm a bit of a weird guy. I know what the responses to this will probably be: something like, "Welcome to Tweb!" or "Then you're in the right place." Well...not really.
Bottom line: I have never fit in, anywhere in my life. The only exception that I can really put forward to this is my own home right now, with my wife and my kids. Every single other environment I've ever been in I have felt like the odd one out. (Side note: this isn't a "poor me" thread--I'm going to try to make a point with all this.) I feel out of place even here at Tweb, on an anonymous internet forum. Even with my family (brothers and sisters), which I'm relatively quite comfortable with, I'm still the odd one out. It's inevitable. I feel out of place at work, at church, you name it.
Some examples:
1. A guy that I've worked with for years will give me some friendly ribbing, which doesn't really bother me. Something about my reaction, which is always awkward, communicates to him that I'm offended, when in reality I'm not in the least. I just don't communicate that, apparently. On the contrary, sometimes I will think that his joke was kind of dumb and not really worth commenting on. I'm invariably misunderstood.
2. This might sound like it contradicts the above, but it doesn't really. I'm not typically a guy who other people like to joke around with, precisely because of my awkwardness and the misunderstanding I described above. And I can't--and don't--fault them for this, because it has been so ubiquitous in my life that the problem must, frankly, lie with me. It's unfair to everyone I interact with, and unreasonable besides, to conclude that the problem is somehow with all of them.
3. I may ask a question on some topic. Somebody will take a superficial interpretation of this question and answer it accordingly, thus making me look like an idiot who just hasn't thought it through very well. In reality, I've actually thought through the question deeper than they might have, and (apparently) didn't phrase my question in such a way to make that clear. When this happens, I'll just give up and let them think that my question was simply stupid and I'm an idiot, because attempting to convince them otherwise is pointless. Also, and this is a real motivation for me, I've never liked pointing out flaws in other people. I would rather somebody else think I'm dumb than point out to them that my question was actually a lot more sophisticated than they assumed. Not sure why--something about pointing out that sort of thing just doesn't sit well with me. (Side note: I'm also not trying to say that I'm some misunderstood genius, or some such pretentious garbage.)
Consequently, I feel like any time I interact with people, it serves only as encouragement not to do it again, because I'm so incredibly bad at it and people just don't get me at all. Nor I them.
Basically, I've always been super awkward and socially inept, but my recent attempts to rectify this and get better at socializing feel like utter failures. It has never gotten easier for me, and shows no signs of improving. Sometimes I'm amazed that I managed to get married, given how hard of a person I am to get to know.
So there's no doubt that the fault for all this lies with me. With my personality, specifically. And as far as I can tell from my attempts, there's nothing I can do to change it. Am I doomed to be a person with few real friends, a guy who's easy for everyone to ignore because I'm just too hard to interact with otherwise? Does the above make sense? I don't want to make this sound like I'm having some sort of personal crisis, because I'm not. So don't worry about me. But for some reason these thoughts have been on my mind a bit lately, and I kind of wanted to put them out there and see what people think.
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