The Benny Hinn Police!

[yxboom]

Holy man arrested after failing to prove his powers
Ananova (http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_752179.html?menu=news.weirdworld.strangecrime)
Immediately after the holy man had attempted his "sight therapy", doctors checked the patient's temperature and found that the mercury had actually climbed up a few notches.'

[bar Jonah]

It's heartwarming to see Hinn's cousins being exposed like this.

[Sozo]

Hello... my name is Benny Hinn!

I'm not a real evangelist, but I do play one on TV

[Joe Corleone]

Here at the beautiful magnificent perfectly marvelous Benny Hinn headquarters in Orlando we are doing the Lord's work in ways that you bunch of unevolved web-footed theology cynics never imagined. For example, using cloning and other amazing techniques we here in our creation science genetic engineering labs have recreated a woman (we named her Kathryn after KK) who when she reaches the age of 16 or 17 will be able to give birth out of her side just like women did thousands and thousands of years ago before the fall of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden right there in the Iraqi heartland.

And next week the top echelon from the NRA is coming to our place to get a firsthand look at mine and Paul's Holy Ghost Machine Gun emplacement...there are so many wonderful things happening here in Orlando and at our crusades around the world. It hurts me when you guys make fun like this.

[Xmansmommy]

Joe, LTNS! Where you been hiding? Great to see ya again. :xmm: Hey have you posted a pic in the self pics thread yet?!?!?!? :poke: :tongue:

[dizzle]

:rofl:

[Joe Corleone]

No X rated mama, I have not been hiding out honest Injun. I am here in Orlando with Benny Bob learning how to bring on the annointing and do the catcher thing as well. I wanna be able to do annointing and learn to do my own catching too. Cheaper that way.

[Joe Corleone]

Why you ask? Well, cause I'd have to spend some money and become an official dues paying member, and what does that mean? I'll tell you what it means, X, it means I would be contributing to the moderator regime who runs this place, and what pray tell would they do with my donation? It's only costing them like $19.95 per month to keep this site going, right? So what do you think they are gonna do with all the leftover cash? I'll tell you....streeeeeeeeeeeeeetch Limos, bighair hair pieces, big pooled houses in Palm Springs, plush carpet, perks, trips to Cancun, t=you name it sister and they'll buy it our money....

[Joe Corleone]

I have a state of the art digicam and one of those handy image uploading thingies, and on top of that, I just took a bath and got a new haircut last week, so I'm looking pretty dogone spiffy about now if I do say so myself, but lotsa good that does me huh?What difference does it make what I look like anyway? I see that sneaky freaky Dee Dee woman is still prowling around reading over everybody's shoulder and spreading her preterian gobbledegook.

[Joe Corleone]

This is better'n summer camp in the Poconos, X, and it ain't too terrible expen$ive neither. Gah! Thing is, when you need something, all you gotta do is say it and presto-Modesto, there she glows! I come off with no toothpaste and no floss and when I got back here to the Goldust Benny Guest House, I was running around looking for toiletries when my roomate said for me to "get my own from God!" So I went back into my room and said "God, I demand Crest regular toothpaste and 50 yards of 25 MM mint floss, and guess what I got instead? When I opened that huge tube of toothpaste that appeared out of the blue (it was as big as a cedar fence post I kid you not) and squeezed some out onto my toothbrush...it was pure D 24 karat sticky gooey g-o-l-d! The floss? I kid you not..it was thin solid silver wire, and I got floss streaks in between my teeth to prove it, X. I been selected to give a brief but emotional talk about my little dental hygeine miracle at tonight's assembly. Ain't that special? Guess who's coming to dinner? Yep, Jan C. I am sooooooooooo excited. Later sis.

[Ric]

Today @ 11:31 AM post located here (http://www.theologyweb.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=78484#post78484)
Joe Corleone:

Here at the beautiful magnificent perfectly marvelous Benny Hinn headquarters in Orlando we are doing the Lord's work in ways that you bunch of unevolved web-footed theology cynics never imagined. For example, using cloning and other amazing techniques we here in our creation science genetic engineering labs have recreated a woman (we named her Kathryn after KK) who when she reaches the age of 16 or 17 will be able to give birth out of her side just like women did thousands and thousands of years ago before the fall of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden right there in the Iraqi heartland.

And next week the top echelon from the NRA is coming to our place to get a firsthand look at mine and Paul's Holy Ghost Machine Gun emplacement...there are so many wonderful things happening here in Orlando and at our crusades around the world. It hurts me when you guys make fun like this.

Down here in "The City Beautiful" (Orlando, Florida), we were able to run Benny Hinn off to California! Needless to say the city of Orlando is much better off now!

(Now if we can run off the TBN folks too, that would be even more better for our home!)

[Joe Corleone]

But they left the annointing blowing catching prophesying glossalalian seminarian underground training camp intact. After we complete our basic training and preparation for the ministry, we ship out to California to spend a few luxurious fun-filled days with BH in his new homeland. Orlando was never really the Gucci garden spot that so many people have claimed it was. California has much much more potential for us WF'ers than a backwards second rate podunky theme park cultural wasteland like Orlando.

In spite of all the meganegativity, WF power evangelism ministry life here at BHUU (Benny Hinn Underground Univ.) has blossomed. This morning we all went down to one of the local funeral homes and collected the bodies of several indigents who had been scheduled for cremation. We took them back home to our dorm and propped them up in front of the TV just as TBN came on the air with the real possibility that they would immediately be resurrected when Bro. BB's show aired. So far, an hour or so into the broadcast, the dead have shown no sign of springing back to life. Not to worry though, we here are content to wait until the right power and miracle time ( tho I must confess I personally am beginning to tire of this particular phase of BHUU ministerial training )

What I really am getting into tho is this blowing people down and slaying with the spirit thing...Oh baby! So far I have not received enough power to slay people from a distance like he does...I mean, with little or no effort, BB (Benny Bob) can bowl over the entire choir from 50 yards away! Amazing! I like it when he takes off his custom-tailored jacket and rubs it on his body to impregnate it with the annointing power, and then he starts swinging it back and forth wildly and bam! bam! thank you ma'm, people start hitting the floor so quik that the catchers can't keep up, and sometimes he zaps the catcher and then you have a situation where the catcher ends up catching the catcher. People are falling down in the aisles and babbling incoherently....It's really a wondeful sight to behold. The other part I like is taking up the collection with all those five gallon plastic buckets full of money, honey. We call ourselves the bucket brigade, and we get buckets of cash Flash.

The best part tho has to be when I learned I was a little mangod. Man! was that ever a cool thing to know. Huh...I'm just like Zeus and Thor and Baal and alll them guys. Ain't that special, X Mama? You can be a mangod too, cept in your case I guess it'd be a ladygod instead. You might wanna change your name too. X Mama don't sound very godlike or ladylike neither.

Well, I gotta run. Prophesy class is about to begin, and this is kinda my major emphasis. I always wanted to be a prophet since I was in the seventh grade. I'll keep you posted on stuff.

[Joe Corleone]

Now...some of these are still in the developmental stages and may be a tad fuzzy around the edges, but never-the- less they are or soon will be relevant to our day and age....

(1) Sometime in the latter part of 2003 Fidel Castro will choke on a smuggled Jewish matzo ball and when his bodyguard tries to give him the Heimlich, he has a major heart attack and dies which sends the country into chaos and there is an immediate counter-revolution whereby the island nation is taken over by a band of Haitian Nazi Voodoo Ninjas who were secretly offloaded from a WWII German submarine which contained the frozen body of Adolf Hitler. The HNVN's set up their own government, and using Cuban scientists and French medical equipment, they bring Hitler back to life and make him the new Cuban leader. The U.S. will be powerless and President Bush will call on Benny Hinn to help Don Rumsfeld and the Pentagon fight this new member of the Evil Empire.

(2) After intense lobbying from Newt Gingrich and his American Intercourse Institute, Paul and Jan Crouch will be called upon to replace Colin Powell as Secretary of State. P&J will immediately declare the State Dept. null and void and declare the Holy Ghost Machine Gun as being a weapon of mass deception and make it available to the Dept. of Defense for use in the upcoming Middle Eastern wars which will be code-named Schlock and Flaw. TBN will create an army of imbedded reporters to cover the Battle of Armageddon which is just around the corner as we all know.

[Alden]

Haitian Nazi Voodoo Ninjas

An excellent name for a punk band, I might add!:thumb:

[Pilgrim]

Joe, please refreain from spamming the thread!

[Ric]

Yesterday @ 12:30 PM post located here (http://www.theologyweb.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=79428#post79428)
Joe Corleone:

But they left the annointing blowing catching prophesying glossalalian seminarian underground training camp intact. After we complete our basic training and preparation for the ministry, we ship out to California to spend a few luxurious fun-filled days with BH in his new homeland. Orlando was never really the Gucci garden spot that so many people have claimed it was. California has much much more potential for us WF'ers than a backwards second rate podunky theme park cultural wasteland like Orlando.

In spite of all the meganegativity, WF power evangelism ministry life here at BHUU (Benny Hinn Underground Univ.) has blossomed. This morning we all went down to one of the local funeral homes and collected the bodies of several indigents who had been scheduled for cremation. We took them back home to our dorm and propped them up in front of the TV just as TBN came on the air with the real possibility that they would immediately be resurrected when Bro. BB's show aired. So far, an hour or so into the broadcast, the dead have shown no sign of springing back to life. Not to worry though, we here are content to wait until the right power and miracle time ( tho I must confess I personally am beginning to tire of this particular phase of BHUU ministerial training )

What I really am getting into tho is this blowing people down and slaying with the spirit thing...Oh baby! So far I have not received enough power to slay people from a distance like he does...I mean, with little or no effort, BB (Benny Bob) can bowl over the entire choir from 50 yards away! Amazing! I like it when he takes off his custom-tailored jacket and rubs it on his body to impregnate it with the annointing power, and then he starts swinging it back and forth wildly and bam! bam! thank you ma'm, people start hitting the floor so quik that the catchers can't keep up, and sometimes he zaps the catcher and then you have a situation where the catcher ends up catching the catcher. People are falling down in the aisles and babbling incoherently....It's really a wondeful sight to behold. The other part I like is taking up the collection with all those five gallon plastic buckets full of money, honey. We call ourselves the bucket brigade, and we get buckets of cash Flash.

The best part tho has to be when I learned I was a little mangod. Man! was that ever a cool thing to know. Huh...I'm just like Zeus and Thor and Baal and alll them guys. Ain't that special, X Mama? You can be a mangod too, cept in your case I guess it'd be a ladygod instead. You might wanna change your name too. X Mama don't sound very godlike or ladylike neither.

Well, I gotta run. Prophesy class is about to begin, and this is kinda my major emphasis. I always wanted to be a prophet since I was in the seventh grade. I'll keep you posted on stuff.

I just wonder why? http://www.theologyweb.com/forum/images/smilies/huh.gif

[Joe Corleone]

I was just trying to add a little humor to this place. That's the main reason I come here instead of hanging out over at that TO Billy Bob dump. People here have a sense of humor unlike the TO'ers. I don't see how anybody could have a serious discussion about Benny Hinn though. I'll just mosey on to someplace where they ain't so particular about rotgut TV preachers.

[Jin-Roh]

That rocks. Hehe Loser.

[Jin-Roh]

And by that I mean the swarmi, not you Joe.

[quetzalphoenix]

Yesterday @ 07:49 AM post located here (http://www.theologyweb.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=80687#post80687)
Joe Corleone:

I was just trying to add a little humor to this place. That's the main reason I come here instead of hanging out over at that TO Billy Bob dump. People here have a sense of humor unlike the TO'ers. I don't see how anybody could have a serious discussion about Benny Hinn though. I'll just mosey on to someplace where they ain't so particular about rotgut TV preachers.

What is TO? I've seen a few posts mentioning it. Thanks.

Oh, and I think that the mere fact that Benny Hinn can't perform a miracle on his hair is evidence enough that he's a fraud. If you can't fix male pattern balding without resorting to a comb-over...

[michael]

Matthew 7: 1-5

Everything I have read here, and on many other of the world wide webs SO called Christian dicscussion boards regarding Benny Hinn, Charismatics, Pentecostals, and TBN is exactly what I hate and despise about these So called Christian discussion boards.

I say so called, because IF you are truly, and sincerely properly functioning, in a true, and sincere Christ Like manner, as true, and sincere Christians ought to, you would not do as you have done here.

Yes, Benbny Hinn MAY have done wrong, but have any of you?

What about your own denominations leaders, Pastors, and elders, are they given salaries to recompense them for the work they perform?

What kind of cars do they drive, how expensiver are their homes?

The kind of car they drive, and Price of the home they live in does not matter at all, but, if you're going to condemn others for the money they have, the cars they drive, and the homes they liver in, you ought to alsoe just as equaklkly condemn your opwn denominations leaders fro the money they have, the cars they drive, and the homes they live in.

If it's a sin to take up offerings in meetings, and crusades, then your own churhces had better repent, and stop taking up offerings in your churches meetings

If it's a sin to pray for the sick, and get them healed, then Jesus lied, (Mark 16:15-20) so we all better stop believing anything he ever said.

Whether Benny Hinn, or any other man, woman, boy, or girl, has sinned or not, is not up to you, or me to say, and even if they have, regardless of the severity of that sin, we have not been appointed by God to be their judge, or their executioner, which is exactly what many in these world wide web so called Christian sites have appointed themselves to be.

I know I'll get slammed severely for this post, but I really don't care in the least what any of you say.....

[markporter]

What is TO?

dunno, but it could be TheologyOnline