I think I'm a bad person.

[Meh_Gerbil]

I've decided that I hate my dog.

About 4 months ago we adopted a 88lb Golden Retriever. My wife was sorta against it, I was okay with it, and my kids treated it with the sort of enthusiasm I'd treat winning the lottery. My wife is now crazy for the dog, the kids still love it, and I loathe the mutt.

For one thing, the thing likes to sleep in my room. It insists on licking it's chops at 3am and so I'm lying there in bed listening to 'slhlop, shlop, shlop'. The whole time I'm screaming in my head "WOULD YOU STOP LICKING YOUR OWN FACE, OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE LICKING FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD". He usually stops about the time that I'm so worked up that I might as well get up and mow the lawn for all the sleep I'm gonna get.

So I park the dog outside the bedroom and shut the door and instead of sleeping in the kids room he sleeps right outside my door. Nothing like getting up for the 2am potty break only to trip repeatedly over dum-dum who changes his position every night. You'd think after getting a toe in the eye every night for a week he'd move --- but dogs ain't that bright.

The dog is like having a co-dependent girl friend who is so attached to you that you end up wearing her like jewelery. You know the type --- watch everything you do and just hang around you without ever doing anything but looking into your eyes as if the secrets of love and the universe could be found in their crystal depths. I cannot open a loaf of bread, inspect an apple, or go the the refrigerator without tripping over stupid or stupid sticking his nose into the matter.

It is getting so bad I've begun to mutter profanity under my breath. I now walk around the house, dog in tow, muttering horrible condemnations and curses upon the mutt. "Would you get the $%$#@! away from me you stupid #$%@!".

I'm a private person and this little taste of celebrity has been enough for me never, EVER pursue fame or fortune. Not if it means you'd have an entire entourage of people following you around like stupid dogs.

Sheesh.

[Solly]

:lmbo:

Sorry, but that is just so funny.

slly

[luv1another]

aww Gerbil (((((( Gerbil )))))))) Im sorry you feel like that about your dog... the dog loves you. Heck I bet if someone tried to attack you the dog would have a go at them.
he probably thinks of you as the pack leader dogs are pack animals... Im sure there is probably a remedy but Im not an expert and have no idea what it is :teeth:

and by the way Im with solly it is kind of funny when you look at it from the other side :teeth:

[Meh_Gerbil]

The adoration makes it even worse....

How can I loathe something that unconditionally loves me like that?

Loathe that which loves you = bad person.

:b_evil:

That is one evil banana for me.

[mossrose]

Shoulda gotta cat.

:nanner:

[Jade]

:lol: I can't say I didn't think it.

[Tobias Reiper]

Shoulda gotta cat.

:nanner:

Cats can be the same way. I had a cat that would ride my shoulder any time I went outside. She was the best cat I ever owned, but she did ruin one halloween when I was outside dressed as a monster waiting to charge at trick or treaters.

[Lunatrek]

I know the feeling. I have three cats, and I feel very differently about each of them. One I adore, the other one I love but only because she's the prettiest and I've had her the longest, and the third I couldn't give two poops about. Actually, I'd prefer her to be out of my life. Alas, hubby doesn't see it this way.

What you described about the licking thing... my cats choose the perfect time to clean themselves, and that is always when we are sleeping, and they are sleeping on my feet. Talk about a swift kick!

I'm becoming less and less of a "pet person" every day. Sigh... I feel your pain.

[Meh_Gerbil]

Luna:

I love your sig text.
I've been saying for a long time now that I want to hit my coffin so hard it blows the back outta it.

*WUMP*

:eek:

[A-Man]

Thats too funny! :rofl:
Solution to nightime noise: Soft Foam Earplugs.

[Em7add11]

My best friend's dog has the worst breath imaginable.

She also likes to sit in people's laps and breath right into your face.

The dog, not my friend.

[Ghettochild]

... em7 how do you know my dog "hrm"

[brother vinny]

Thats too funny! :rofl:
Solution to nightime noise: Soft Foam Earplugs.

Or a gunshot to stupid's head.

[Ghettochild]

Argh!!! brother vinny, are you a hot chick (your avatar) or do you like hot chicks?

[Jade]

:nc: :lmbo:

[brother vinny]

Argh!!! brother vinny, are you a hot chick (your avatar) or do you like hot chicks?

I'm a guy. My avatar is a Serra Angel from Magic the Gathering.

Just another reason you should be a theist. :wink:

image removed BroV a bit too revealing okay?

[Ghettochild]

I have gone over this...

[Ghettochild]

but I instinctively see her and think that you are a woman but then i see your gender icon and get completely confused.

[brother vinny]

:hijacked:

[Ghettochild]

:hijacked: No, its mine!

[nomad7674]

There is an old saying that seems appropriate here:

"A dog thinks: They feed me, love me and take care of me: they must be gods!
A cat thinks: They feed me, love me and take care of me: I must be a god!"
- Unknown

[Meh_Gerbil]

Or a gunshot to stupid's head.
Apparently my father is posting on this site under the name of Vinny....

[Ishmael]

Mad Gerbi- I empathize for I too cannot stand nonHumans in my home. I currently have cats which I despise for their noise and foul smell. I am thinking of having them detongued. They are also brainless. Good for these cats that my wife and daughter love them because if not they would be gone.

[Meh_Gerbil]

I forgot to tell you the WORST part: The dog is a bread thief.

If you leave a loaf of bread, a tin of crossiants, a freakin' Saltine that dog will steal it right off the counter. I JUST got home 10 minutes ago and there is ANOTHER EMPTY bread bag on the floor.

So I scream at the dog which is his cue to drop to the floor and look away from me but I dragged him over to the bread bag, beat his behind and asked him "WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS? YOU DO THIS?"

He'll not look at me at this point, totally limp there on the floor with me holding his neck by the collar.

In the past two weeks he's EATEN 3 LOAVES OF BREAD and a package of CHEESE CRACKERS. Well, IF I was eating like that all day I'd be UP at 3AM licking my chops as well! I swear if he eats ONE MORE LOAF of bread I'm gonna crack him over the head with --- WHAT AM I SUpposed to feed my kids? Now I gotta cook because the FRIDAY NIGHT PB&J sandwhichs are outta the picture! I hope he doesn't throw that up, I swear I'll skin that mutt.

STUPID BREAD THIEF, I cannot get a CAT because the ONLY CAT we had threw a gallon of paint down the basement stairs which was that animals last day at our house. (NEVER DID GET ALL THE DECK STAIN CLEANED UP, WE HAD TO MOVE TO GET AWAY FROM IT) WHERE is the DOMESTIC in these animals anymore? Which is why I keep gerbils because they DON'T DO THIS STUFF.

[Xmansmommy]

All I got to say is....... :lmbo:

[India]

Cats do all the same things too. I've lay awake several times listening to our cats play with Styrofoam pellets they've retrieved from the basement...or chew on the spring doorstops so that they make a very loud DOOONNNGGG sound...or on one occasion, set off the burglar alarm by knocking over a plant. One cat is a Siamese who appears whenever I'm in the kitchen and howls, loudly and pathetically, for attention - no matter how much attention he's had in the previous 5 minutes. He also persists in attempting to lay on me, even when it isn't feasible or convenient.

As for eating things, when I was growing up we had a cat who loved to play with toilet paper, so you'd enter the bathroom and the toilet paper roll would have a huge chunk torn out of the middle, rendering it virtually unusable. :rofl:

Then there's our kitten, who likes to "help" with computer activities by planting herself in front of the monitor and trying to catch or bite the mouse pointer (hey, it is a mouse, and she is a cat... :smile:) and with sink activities by trying to catch the running water or playing with the toothbrush, paper cup or whatever else is nearby. But then, I'm a cat person, so I love them both anyway.

[mossrose]

And cats somehow tend to really like pregnant people. At least that is my experience.

We have shut our cats into the basement for the past 16 years. They have the litter box, food and water, and the entire basement to play in. We sleep at night, they do whatever they do, and everyone is happy.

:smug:

[Alien]

We have three dogs, two miniature poodles and the one you see in my avatar picture. The poodles sleep on our bed, one constantly trying to get her nose in someones face ... she is the only dog I have ever known that enjoys having someone blow in her face. The other poodle loves to lick any part of our bodies that may be available. Willow (above) has the same talent for being constantly in the way that Gerbil describes. She continually tries to be as close to me as she can.

I quite simply revel in all of this. I would do anything for these dogs, they are on my short list of favorite people. If there are no dogs in heaven I don't want to go.

Gerbil, you are either a dog person or you are not. I am, you are not, though there may be hope for you. As a survival technique, I would suggest dog training classes. Dogs, unlike cats, can be trained to be good citizens. They basically want to please you, you just have to learn how to make them understand what you want. For example, your dog can be trained to go to a particular place, like his dog bed, on command, which will solve your nighttime woes. The command "move", once learned, will get him to move away from you if you find yourself tripping over him. Do you take him for walks? There is no better companion, but make sure he knows "come" before you let him off the leash. Training him to walk on the leash without pulling your arm out of the socket will make it a more pleasant experience also.

Unfortunately, most people don't really understand dogs. They are pack animals, and when placed in a group of other dogs (or people) they will immediately try to establish who is in charge. If you don't act like the pack leader, they will attempt to assume that role. Being in charge means not taking a lot of crap from the dog (note, what I describe in the first paragraph happens because I consciously allow it, they obey when it matters to me) but not correcting the dog in a way that he doesn't understand, like yelling at him hours after he has eaten the bread; he hasn't a clue what you are mad at, but will cower submissively on general principles. When a dog does something wrong, you have about 5 seconds to correct him, after that he doesn't know what you are mad about.

I could go on, but hopefully you get the picture. Don't get mad, get training!

[India]

And cats somehow tend to really like pregnant people. At least that is my experience.

That seems to be the case - several times when I've been in bed, one or the other of them has lain across my abdomen and purred loudly. :smile:

[Meh_Gerbil]

Got home from the book store today and there WAS AN ENTIRE TUB of soup ALL OVER THE KITCHEN FLOOR!

I'M GONNA KILL THE DOG NOW.

[Meh_Gerbil]

I love the dancing anti-depressent.

"SURVEY SAYS" is funny too.

I love this stuff.

[VirtuousWmn]

The adoration makes it even worse....

How can I loathe something that unconditionally loves me like that?

Loathe that which loves you = bad person.

:b_evil:

That is one evil banana for me.
I see it as an opportunity to learn the lesson of "unconditional love". Notice how it doesn't require you to love back. It loves regardless of how you feel or what you do. Isn't it amazing how we can learn things from something as simple as a pet?

[Rubia Warren]

My dog makes that shlopping noise at night, too. Only he isn't licking his face when he's doing that. :nc:
At least once a night, I scream, "Puerco. Stop licking yourself!!!"

:eww: