Should dating be a lead up to marrage?

[DaBootsanegga]

I'm interested to see what the folks of TWeb think... Should dating be a lead up to marrage?

Please vote and then explain your thoughts.

[Zarathustra]

I'm interested to see what the folks of TWeb think... Should dating be a lead up to marrage?

Please vote and then explain your thoughts.

Dating to me is about spending time alone with in my case a woman I fancy. One makes the decisions based on how the dates go, as to whether it is worth pursuing a long term relationship. It would be counter productive to start dating with a view that it will become long term, what if she turns out to be a :troll:. You set yourself up for disappointment.

P.s, Is your avatar an Xaos fractal?

[anthrogirl]

It depends. At some times in one's life, dating can be for fun (or exploration). For most folks, dating becomes more serious at other times in life. It just depends--I can't choose an appropriate answer based on your poll.

ag

[DaBootsanegga]

It depends. At some times in one's life, dating can be for fun (or exploration). For most folks, dating becomes more serious at other times in life. It just depends--I can't choose an appropriate answer based on your poll.

ag


Thats cool, to be honest I'm more interested in peoples thoughts than the results of the poll...

thanks anthrogirl

[Sheepdog]

perhaps it's just me, but i can't imagine enjoying dating "just for fun."

[Pilgrim]

You didn't have enough choices. Mine would have been : Dating CAN be a lead up to marriage.

And Sheep, it's not just you. It's the same for a lot of people, in particular Christians.

The issue is, I think, primarily a sexual one. Christian guys get so ramped up with hormones and you can't do anything about that 'till you're married so better go out and get married as quick as possible so every interaction with a woman becomes a prelude to sex/marriage.

If guys could reign it in a bit they'd see that women have more value than as simply an object of wish fulfiment.

[Jnthn]

None of the above.

Speaking personally, I'm at the stage where I want to find a wife, so it wouldn't be fair to start a relationship where marriage wasn't a possibility.

I'm not advocating grilling your date for intentions when you head off for your first meal together, but I wouldn't continue a relationship if the prospect wasn't there.

Probably a biological clock thing :teeth:

J

[Ryokan]

You didn't have enough choices. Mine would have been : Dating CAN be a lead up to marriage.

And Sheep, it's not just you. It's the same for a lot of people, in particular Christians.

The issue is, I think, primarily a sexual one. Christian guys get so ramped up with hormones and you can't do anything about that 'till you're married so better go out and get married as quick as possible so every interaction with a woman becomes a prelude to sex/marriage.

If guys could reign it in a bit they'd see that women have more value than as simply an object of wish fulfiment.:stupid:

In all seriousness, though, I agree with Pilgrim, as I have expressed before. You should be open to the possibility of dating leading to marriage, I think, but your expectation should be fun. If you don't have fun dating, your not gonna like being married, and you probably shouldn't get married at this time. If you don't want to go see a movie, or a baseball game, or go out drinking with a woman, even if you knew you could never have sex with her, you should not marry her. Marriage needs to be about compatibility, love, and friendship, not sex.

[Teallaura]

Um, but wasn't the question concerning what the purpose, not the quality, was? If the purpose is to find a marriage partner, then one should avoid dating someone whose only goal is to have fun. If one dates as recreation then it would be inappropriate to date someone you knew was dating for the purpose of exploring potential mates.

Why you can't have fun in that latter process is beyond me. Those dating purposefully don't expect that every given date must lead to marriage; they simply use dating as one means toward that end. No reason not to have a good time - and show your date a good time - in the process, even if it turns out you aren't that interested in one another (as the majority will).

Myself, I find dating purely as a recreational activity pointless at best, but more often destructive. People are rarely so open intially that a more serious person can easily avoid such dates. Single events might be of little significance, but we all know that couple where she's serious and he's not (or vice versa) resulting from a continuation of dating when the non-serious partner knew better, but didn't make it clear. That's not going to end well, no matter how it ends.

Barflies (date hoppers) are flat out annoying - if you aren't actually interested in me, don't waste my time. There's a big difference between finding that we don't 'click' - or have that kind of interest in one another - on that first date; that's perfectly fair. But finding out you were simply the gameball for that day is not pleasant even for people with strong self-confidence/esteem.

People, it seems to me, often forget that as well as being fun, dating has the real potential for doing harm. It takes care and honesty to avoid the darker side of dating.

[Ryokan]

Um, but wasn't the question concerning what the purpose, not the quality, was? If the purpose is to find a marriage partner, then one should avoid dating someone whose only goal is to have fun. If one dates as recreation then it would be inappropriate to date someone you knew was dating for the purpose of exploring potential mates. I agree wityh that. I just think being mate focused puts the focus on the wrong thing at a date, and is an ineffective way of finding a happy marriage.

Why you can't have fun in that latter process is beyond me. Those dating purposefully don't expect that every given date must lead to marriage; they simply use dating as one means toward that end. No reason not to have a good time - and show your date a good time - in the process, even if it turns out you aren't that interested in one another (as the majority will). It doesn't have to, but it often seems to, in my experience. It puts the emphasis on the status and goal of a relationship, rather than centered on the relationship itself.
Myself, I find dating purely as a recreational activity pointless at best, but more often destructive. People are rarely so open intially that a more serious person can easily avoid such dates. Single events might be of little significance, but we all know that couple where she's serious and he's not (or vice versa) resulting from a continuation of dating when the non-serious partner knew better, but didn't make it clear. That's not going to end well, no matter how it ends.[/QUOTE] Dishonesty, regardless of the type of dating, is always destructive. But dishonesty can happen in any sort of dating situation. That is why it is always important to have the "where is this going" talk early on. It promotes honesty. And me and Pilgrim both said that it is a good idea to be open to whatever happens, happening, ya know? But that doesn't mean dating for the purpose of finding a mate. Just being happy if you are dating and incidentally find a mate.

Barflies (date hoppers) are flat out annoying - if you aren't actually interested in me, don't waste my time. There's a big difference between finding that we don't 'click' - or have that kind of interest in one another - on that first date; that's perfectly fair. But finding out you were simply the gameball for that day is not pleasant even for people with strong self-confidence/esteem. Well, I have enjoyed being a game ball before. When you live alone, you need stuff to fill up your time. Aside from which, you don't always marry who you date. i married my best friend from High School.

People, it seems to me, often forget that as well as being fun, dating has the real potential for doing harm. It takes care and honesty to avoid the darker side of dating.I completely agree. Honesty is the most important part of dating.

[Jaltus]

I always say that every date is a potential mate.

That does not mean one should date only looking for the mate, but be careful who you date since you could end up married to the person for various reasons.

[DaBootsanegga]

Thanks all for your thoughts so far...

to give you some background on who I'm dating, I'm going out with a girl who's 3 years younger than me, I'm her first boyfriend and from what I know her relationship with her dad wasn't very good. I'm currently studying at uni (college) in a town away from where I grew up and I will finish my degree in 2 years, after that I will probably get a job in a completely different town and have to move. At the moment my plans are to be with my girl for the 2 years that i'm still in the same town as her, but when I get a job offer, I'm not going to limit the places I can work because of her. at the same time I don't expect her to follow me to where ever it is that I get a job.

One of my concerns at the moment (we've been going out nearly a month) is that because I'm the first guy that's ever given her any form of affection that she'll throw herself at me and want to marry me... I haven't had the "where is this going" talk with her yet and I know it is still the early stages of the relationship, but I'm just trying to work out if it is wrong for me to continue the relationship for the two years if I have no intention of continuing it past that point??

[Conductor42]

"Love is like oxygen, love is a many splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!" --Moulin Rouge


Dating, in and of itself?

Not neccessarily. I don't expect my 14 year old sister to marry her latest and greatest boyfriend - God forbid!

However, SERIOUS Dating should *absolutely* lead to marriage. I mean, if you've loved (or at least, thought you were in love) with a person for months, and have steadily built a meaningful relationship with them why NOT get married?

The longer you avoid the question (i.e. will you marry me?), the higher chance you have of them considering other people. And if you're anything like me, that'd be a nightmare!

Love is oxygen, and marriage is your O² tank.

[Brandalf85]

I think if you're gonna date someone, keep in mind that you may marry that person. So, is that person you're dating a type of person you want to or SHOULD marry? If not then its wise to stay away.

And to lighten things up, from a certain Jedi master: "Dating leads to engagement, engagement leads to marriage and marriage.....leads to suffering!" I'm kidding of course, marriage rocks woot. ( i dont even have a g/f sigh)

[anthrogirl]

Thanks all for your thoughts so far...

to give you some background on who I'm dating, I'm going out with a girl who's 3 years younger than me, I'm her first boyfriend and from what I know her relationship with her dad wasn't very good. I'm currently studying at uni (college) in a town away from where I grew up and I will finish my degree in 2 years, after that I will probably get a job in a completely different town and have to move. At the moment my plans are to be with my girl for the 2 years that i'm still in the same town as her, but when I get a job offer, I'm not going to limit the places I can work because of her. at the same time I don't expect her to follow me to where ever it is that I get a job.

One of my concerns at the moment (we've been going out nearly a month) is that because I'm the first guy that's ever given her any form of affection that she'll throw herself at me and want to marry me... I haven't had the "where is this going" talk with her yet and I know it is still the early stages of the relationship, but I'm just trying to work out if it is wrong for me to continue the relationship for the two years if I have no intention of continuing it past that point??

(emphasis mine). Take a deep breath. You've been dating for a matter of weeks. You can't possibly make a decision about "two years from now" at this point. Just relax :smile: --get to know the girl first...figure out if you even like each other...and then decide what your future holds. :wink:

ag

[DaBootsanegga]

(emphasis mine). Take a deep breath. You've been dating for a matter of weeks. You can't possibly make a decision about "two years from now" at this point. Just relax :smile: --get to know the girl first...figure out if you even like each other...and then decide what your future holds. :wink:

ag


Well I've known her for a little over a year now and this is actually the second time that I've gone out with her... The first was a little over 10 months ago (at the same time that I was born again :smile:) and up until about a week before we started going out again, I was in the mindset that we would just be good friends and that we wouldn't go out again. She obviously had other idea!!!

When we started going out again this time, i was talking with Kaz (luv) about it and she was trying to work out why i would want to go out with this girl if i didn't want to marry her...

[Sheepdog]

You didn't have enough choices. Mine would have been : Dating CAN be a lead up to marriage.

And Sheep, it's not just you. It's the same for a lot of people, in particular Christians.

The issue is, I think, primarily a sexual one. Christian guys get so ramped up with hormones and you can't do anything about that 'till you're married so better go out and get married as quick as possible so every interaction with a woman becomes a prelude to sex/marriage.

If guys could reign it in a bit they'd see that women have more value than as simply an object of wish fulfiment.


for me it goes beyond that. though i decline from going into specifics since i don't like the implied accusation of my own motivations in dating.

you can hang out or chat without being on a date, after all.

[Sheepdog]

Thanks all for your thoughts so far...

to give you some background on who I'm dating, I'm going out with a girl who's 3 years younger than me, I'm her first boyfriend and from what I know her relationship with her dad wasn't very good. I'm currently studying at uni (college) in a town away from where I grew up and I will finish my degree in 2 years, after that I will probably get a job in a completely different town and have to move. At the moment my plans are to be with my girl for the 2 years that i'm still in the same town as her, but when I get a job offer, I'm not going to limit the places I can work because of her. at the same time I don't expect her to follow me to where ever it is that I get a job.

One of my concerns at the moment (we've been going out nearly a month) is that because I'm the first guy that's ever given her any form of affection that she'll throw herself at me and want to marry me... I haven't had the "where is this going" talk with her yet and I know it is still the early stages of the relationship, but I'm just trying to work out if it is wrong for me to continue the relationship for the two years if I have no intention of continuing it past that point??

this is what i call a disaster waiting to happen.


don't by into the myth that "whatever you live through only makes you stronger." if this is (or will be) a serious relationship for her, breaking up after 2 years will rob a bit of her soul (figuratively speaking).

you should have that little talk. maybe not right away, but definitly soon.

[DaBootsanegga]

yeah i've kinda got the problem that at the moment i'm about 300km away from her and then when i go home from work i'm about 700km away from her, so i won't really be able to have that talk for a while...

[{Tim}]

yeah i've kinda got the problem that at the moment i'm about 300km away from her and then when i go home from work i'm about 700km away from her, so i won't really be able to have that talk for a while...
Er... in what sense can you said to be "going out", then? :huh: Am I understanding you right, that you're actually not going to see her for quite a while?

Well. :shrug: My advice was going to be similar, you should have a talk with her about your future some time soon, when it's possible. It's important that she knows you probably won't be there for more than two years... Anthrogirl was right about needing more than a month together, too, but I think it's sensible of you to be thinking about where it can go in the future, too -- if you came to the conclusion that it couldn't work (for example), it would be better to say something sooner than later...

I also suggest you pray about it. It tends to help. :wink:

Anyway, in answer to the OP, it depends what you mean by "dating". I think you can hang out, or even go do stuff with, someone you don't intend to ever marry, but I wouldn't personally tell people that I was "going out with" someone, until the point where we were at least considering the possibility that it might get serious. :shrug: Maybe it's just a terminology difference. (Actually come to think of it, I do say that I "went out with" someone, about a specific time, but not that I'm "going out" just because we did something together sometimes. :ahem: Bah! This is all too confusing... :hehe: )

[A Cup of No]

I really like this girl.

Back to the point of the thread.

[DaBootsanegga]

i wont see her between now and the end of feb, but after that i'll be back in the same town as her for the next 9 months of something, so it's a bit of a tough one...

sadly i almost feel as though being in this relationship has allmost put a barrier between me and God, although it's probably me just looking at it from a negative angle...


As i get more replys to the OP it is starting to seem like the poll was a bad idea... but that's life... as i think i said early, i'm more interested in peoples thoughts than the results of the poll

[InTheEnd]

DaBoots I know what this whole thread is about cause I've met the girl personelly.
Here are 4 good reasons to break up.

1 You know in your heart you shouldn't be going out with her. That is why you are so concerned about everyones opinion cause you know it's wrong
2 You are asking mononoke totally inapropriate questions which shows that you are dealing with an issue (U know what) so listen to your conscience and deal with it!
3You become like the people you date and you know and I know that you don't want to become like her
3 If this is not going to end in marriage you will get your heart broken and ask anyone who has had their heart broken, IT'S NOT WORTH IT!
4 You are more likelly to fall into temptation if you entertain it so don't! Your treading a thin line!
Break up fast before this becomes anymore than it already is and you hurt her too!

[Gideon Brown]

Holy cow, KazSpawn is really smart. :cool:

(And I agree w/all of her points, FWIW)

[Sheepdog]

all five of them? :hehe:

[Sheepdog]

for me it goes beyond that. though i decline from going into specifics since i don't like the implied accusation of my own motivations in dating.

i think i was out of line and unjustified in saying this.

my apologies, Pilgrim.

[Pilgrim]

No problems. I didn't take it as an insult or anything.

[Jimmy Higgins]

don't by into the myth that "whatever you live through only makes you stronger." if this is (or will be) a serious relationship for her, breaking up after 2 years will rob a bit of her soul (figuratively speaking).
It's called growing up. You don't have to live in a cave, waiting to date the girl you will marry. I doubt everyone knew the person they met was the one so quickly. Sometimes you are the better for it. I know my relationship with my first girlfriend was immensely important to my development as a person. Sure that didn't end anyway I would have prefered, but I most certainly was the better for it, being a much better person with a much better awareness now.

you should have that little talk. maybe not right away, but definitly soon.I think that "little talk" is a bit early for the OP. Of course, from my perspective, the situation isn't probably good anyway for such a relationship. My gut is telling me the OP relatoinship isn't going to work.

[Sheepdog]

it could be that we need to have a more settled definition of a "date." i tend to take a more "formal" view of dating, so you can get a cup of coffee with a girl without it being a date.

i definitely wouldn't fail to advocate "hanging out" or otherwise being with girls in an informal setting. i chat with girls pretty often myself.

[Jimmy Higgins]

it could be that we need to have a more settled definition of a "date." i tend to take a more "formal" view of dating, so you can get a cup of coffee with a girl without it being a date.

i definitely wouldn't fail to advocate "hanging out" or otherwise being with girls in an informal setting. i chat with girls pretty often myself.I'm talking about being with someone in a relationship, not just an occasional outing to get coffee.

Marriage is about a total union of two people. How in the world can you know that this guy or that girl is the one you'll be able to live with for the rest of your life after some simple outings? Granted, you could be lucky and figure it out quickly, however, that certainly couldn't be the majority of cases. Sometimes it may take years for the differences to be noticed, something that would seem absolutely obvious through hindsight but much murkier in plain sight.

Besides, if one can't wait to marry someone for a couple of years, is this truly the person you should get married to?

[Champagne]

Look at Danny Bonaduce. He and his wife got married on the night they met in Vegas. Still married 10 or so years later :)

But yeah, as a general rule, if you want a real relationship of equality and partnership with someone, you need to get to know them first. What type of person is this person in all situations? Anyone can put on a front for a few months.

In the old days, when marriage was less of a partnership, there wasn't really any need for a man to get to know the woman first. In the really old days, the marriage was mostly an arrangement between families. It would not be uncommon to not even see your wife until the ceremony.

But times have changed. We aren't in that culture in the West. Here, we have the option to get married or not. We can take our time to make sure it's the right thing to do, the right person to be with. Or not. B/c there's easy divorce now too :)

But, if you take it seriously, you'll want to take a good long time to make sure it's the right thing to do. It's a legal vow and supposed to last for the rest of your life.

If there's any more serious of a contract to get into, I don't know what it would be.

[Little Shepherd]

I fall somewhere in the middle, but ultimately had to fall on the side of "no."

While I understand that dating usually leads to marriage eventually, I believe that finding someone to marry should never be your top priority for dating. Dating should be about getting to know the other person, getting to know yourself better, and having some relaxed fun.

You throw expectations of marriage into the mix, and it just kills the relaxed atmosphere. The pressure makes it harder to just be yourself. If you happen to find someone you want to marry during the dating process, that's great. I just don't think you should project that expectation on someone going into the relationship.

And if someone's the kind of person who'd say "This didn't lead to marriage. Hanging out with you was such a waste of time," I wouldn't even want to be friends with her, much less marry her. What a jerk.

[Sheepdog]

for the record, i wouldn't suggest that a few dates would be sufficient to prepare for marriage either. i think i agree, Jimmy.